Good Old Fashioned Lover Boys
by HellAgain
Summary: It all begins with a very early morning, a mess, and a intimidatingly attractive stranger. A Bakery AU in which Remus is frequently exasperated and Sirius is often a mess.
1. Of All The Days To Be Productive

"This was NOT what I had in mind when I decided I wanted to open a bakery!" Remus exclaimed in despair as he walked in to the shop at three AM on a Tuesday morning only to find pastries all over the floor. "What happened? Why are you all here so early? You're never here this early? James, was this you? Because you're absolutely never this early, you're never even early for your own shift!" he was tired, confused and all around unsettled. He'd planned for a nice, productive morning, baking before everyone else got there and then they could start the day prepared. But, apparently not.

"Sorry Moony, mate. I had no idea you were going to be here this early," James replied, grimacing in apology, wincing a little under Remus's stare.

"It'll be fine," Remus sighed, giving into whatever the situation was. "But what happened? Were those —" he gestured to the mess on the floor, " — meant for today?" he asked, half knowing the answer already.

"Uh, yes, yes they were," came Peter, his voice high pitched and nervous.

Remus groaned and tilted his head back, eyes to the ceiling, half thinking of what to do, half wishing he had just come at 4:30 like he did most mornings. But no, of course this was the morning that he decided to be productive. He looked from side to side, surveying the mess that was the bakery's floor, and, and was that batter on the wall? "Alright, for the third time, what the hell happened here?" he knew he sounded exhausted now, but he wasn't going to do anything about that, there was too much more to even consider fixing his tone. "Dorcas? James? Peter? And why's Lily here? And, and who's that?" he asked desperately, motioning to the man standing quietly in the corner.

"Well, you see, it's almost Dorcas's birthday —"

"Oh shit, you're telling me you came to prepare for Dorcas's birthday?" he wanted to cry, "Dorcas, I love you, but _WHY?"_

"Well yeah, we wanted to prepare for Dorcas's birthday, then we didn't actually know if she had any real plans, so we got a little excited and called her, she wasn't too happy to be woken up so early. Then she realised that we were here and told us that we'd be bound to break something if it was just Pete and I. I tried to tell her Lily was here, but I guess we've told her that one too many times, so she came in a rush, all flustered and stuff. And then she knocked some bottles of water over while she came running in. Pete heard the crash and came running out to make sure everything was okay, and slipped over, dropping the pastries he was holding and pulling down the tray behind him, which I landed in when I followed him at a slower pace," James explained, finishing with a rather dramatic breath.

"Right then. Can I ask, were those the Christmas order pastries for that Gala?" he really was fighting to keep his voice under control now. He wanted to laugh, but he certainly couldn't do that and let them get away with it all. But he also wanted to cry a little bit, and he most definitely was not going to do that.

"Um —"

"Stop, just stop Peter. I'll take your um as a yes and great, that's just great. Who are you?" he spun around on his heel, eyes fierce as he remembered the man in the corner.

"Sorry darlings, I'll just be going then," the man said, his voice confident and somewhat, what was the word? Pompous? Posh? Or rather, none of those, but only a little bit Freddie Mercury.

"Really? Will you? Nope, I don't think so. Were you involved in this mess? Because if you were then you're going to stay and help clean it up. I don't care if you've been a customer. It's —" he looked down to check his watch, "twenty-seven past three in the morning and _the customer is always right_ does not apply!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in despair as he realised that he'd almost yelled at a strange, exceedingly attractive man, and absolutely needed to get on with making double the amount of pastries he had planned on.

"Sorry, sorry dear" the man began, his voice a hundred times more hesitant after Remus's outbreak, "I, um, I don't think I was part of the mess? I was actually just, um, walking through the streets and saw lights and thought "awesome, there's a bakery open at three in the morning, that sounds brilliant" and so I went in. I walked in a little before you, and I've just been watching this scene unfold. There's been a lot of "Rem's going to kill us". I assume you're Rem?"

"Ah, okay. Well, sorry about the disappointment, the curtains really should've been closed if the lights were going to be on." He turned slightly to the group of guilty looking people behind him, "Yes, I'm Rem, well really, I'm Remus, but seeing as you've only just met me and have already seen me frustrated then I guess you can call me whatever the fuck you want to. I guess you probably want to leave now. But why were you wandering these streets at three in the morning? You don't look particularly wasted, and you definitely don't look homeless."

"Well, whatever the fuck you want to, I'm Sirius, and I honestly am the most amused I've been in a long time so I'm fairly happy here. But, I'll leave you to your baking. As for your question, no, I've not been drinking at all, though I sincerely wish I had been. As for homelessness, well, I think you'll be surprised. Because as of right now, it does appear that I'm homeless."

"Right, well, the morning has already had all it's plans thrown out the window so you're very welcome to stay. Otherwise we'll be open at 8:00, which is remarkably early for a bakery, which is why I got here early to prepare because it's _Christmas_ and there are a lot of _very large_ orders that come in around this time. If you do stay, I know that James has stashed alcohol around here somewhere —"

"Hey!"

"Don't lie to me James, I know you've got it here somewhere. So, Sirius, if you want a drink, alcoholic or otherwise, and a place to stay for a few hours, free of charge, then you're welcome. It might be quite loud though," he offered, trying to keep calm as he sorted through everything he would have to do. And trying to keep his gaze not quite on Sirius because that man was far, far, far too attractive for it to be healthy.

"Alright then, staying would be lovely. Also, this is rather personal, but I've been trying to work it out since you got here. How old are you?"

"Blunt, aren't you? Okay. I'm nineteen. Yeah, it's young to own a bakery, and I'd tell you, but it's a long story."

"Fair enough then. If you give me a broom, mop and cloth maybe? I can clean up this mess so you guys can get ready for the day."

"No, no, don't do that. It'll be fine."

"Moony, shut up. Let the man clean, I'll help him, as it was my fault. The rest of you need to bake, go on," Peter told him, already handing a broom to Sirius.

"Fine, alright then."

"Awesome, thanks Pete. Come on Rem, we didn't lose all of the pastries for the order. I'll handle the day to day things, James is best at icing, so he can do that. You can handle the order?" Dorcas suggested, walking over to her bench that she claimed when the bakery first opened.

"Yeah, alright Meadowes, sounds good," Remus agreed walking over to his own, grabbing stuff as he needed it, half watching as James did the same. "Lily? Are you staying or leaving?"

"I'll stay and help clean. They messed up the walls even. It'll make it easier later, if I clean the kitchen now, while they clean the actual bakery."

"Thanks flower," James called out. Remus only rolled his eyes and got to work.

This was absolutely not what he had planned for the morning. He had wanted something relaxing, methodic, calming, something to combat the huge amounts of pain he was in, but clearly that wasn't going to happen. It was going okay now though. Things were fitting into place. James's icing really was beautiful, and it was going well. Dorcas's memory was insanely good, and there were already rows and rows of identical, stunning pastries, buns, breads and more. Pete and Lily were basically finished with cleaning, and Sirius was still distractedly good looking, but surprisingly powering through the cleaning really well. It wasn't exactly relaxing, he certainly didn't get the quiet he had hoped for. Lily and James going between exchanging insults to having the most lovey dove conversations, Dorcas talking to Peter, slipping in slight insults that took him just a little too long to grasp, but it was all friendly. Sirius was jumping half comfortably into everyone's conversations, he had a surprisingly deep voice, one that Remus thought would be good for singing, but he wasn't going to ask a complete stranger if he sung. For the most part, he just kept to himself, doing his best to breathe through the pain and make the pastries to a Gala standard.

It was 7:00 by the time the last tray of pastries for the order was in the oven and Remus was unbelievably relieved. James had finished his finished his icing maybe an hour and a half earlier and had set to work making the bread which would be put in the oven in another few minutes, making whoever came into the bakery early happy with perfectly fresh bread for their morning coffee. Dorcas was just finished up a few last things, but soon she'd be putting the cakes in the oven, the cheesecakes for the afternoon in the fridge, and the biscuits in jars to go on the front counter. Lily had gone home a couple of hours earlier, with the promise that she'd be back later. Peter had been baking and icing and preparing things like crazy, it was the most energetic Remus had ever seen him, maybe it was to make up for the morning, he wasn't sure. And Sirius, well, at some point, he had wandered over to Remus's section of the kitchen and began a conversation that had led on to many, many others. He was easy to talk to, which only frustrated Remus more, there couldn't be a man who was so elegant, so attractive, so well spoken, so kind AND good at conversation. That wasn't fair at all. But he wasn't very well just going to turn him away, so he replied, and was somewhere between enjoying the conversation and resenting Sirius for it.

"Alright!" James exclaimed, pumping his fist into the air, "It's seven oh seven and I've finished all the icing!"

"Awesome James!" Dorcas and Peter shouted together, half impressed, half laughing.

"Good job," Remus agreed, shaking his head a little at James who was practically bouncing up and down.

"CONGRATULATIONS!" Sirius shouted, bounding over to James and grabbing him by the waist, swinging him around like someone would have done with a child.

"Wow, okay, that was something," James said when Sirius put him down, stumbling around dizzily.

"Oh, I wish Lily had been here to see that," Dorcas said, laughing so much she had to grab hold of the table.

"My god Sirius!" Remus had exclaimed, looking at the man in shock, grinning all the while. Peter had just stood there, struck dumb it seemed, before he burst out into loud laughter. It was crazy. All of this was crazy, Remus had decided. Maybe it was just a weird dream. He'd walked into the bakery expecting some quiet time, only to find a mess and an insanely attractive man, they'd all proceeded to do the most work they'd ever done as quickly as possible, then the insanely attractive man had literally picked up the man who Remus had known his entire life and spun him around. Everything and everyone had gone completely crazy.

"Well, that was, uh, unexpected," James muttered, looking at Sirius in shock. "You don't look like you'd be able to lift me at all. You're shorter than me, and basically a stick!" James exclaimed, and Remus agreed. Sirius was shorter than James, though the boots he was wearing made it look as if he was around the same height, and he certainly didn't look like he worked out as much as James did, though he must have done some sort of exercise because he was _fit_, which was utterly unfair, this man couldn't have everything could he? He was brought back to attention by laughter that he could only assume was Sirius's.

"Well, you know, hidden strengths and all that?" Sirius said, grinning at James who was spluttering out questions and making all sorts of noises as he looked up and down Sirius, trying to find how he could've done it. All in all, Remus found it very amusing. So he just leant back against his counter and watched as James continued his protestations, and Sirius kept up with his vague, but amusing answers. Dorcas was checking something in the oven, but even she wasn't pretending that she wasn't watching the two of them exchange whatever you could call what they were doing.

At some point in James's protests, Lily had come back in. Remus had only just realised, and he wondered how long she'd been standing there in the doorway, looking on oh so casually, biting her lip. To keep her from laughing, he knew. She'd done it ever since he'd met her, and clearly it hadn't changed. He just hoped that Sirius would do it again so Lily could see, because it really was something that everyone who knew James should see. Really, everyone in the world should see it, but Remus suspected that James would object to it being put up on the internet somewhere. The internet would probably love it thought.

"Fine, fine, don't tell me how. I'm impressed, in the weirdest way possible though," James conceded, scrunching his eyebrows together in confusion.

Sirius only laughed as a reply and patted James on the back before walking back over to Remus. "So no one's picked him up in a long time, I take it?" he asked, leaning into Remus's ear.

"You'd be right," Remus whispered back, tilting his head in the direction of Lily with another whispered, "I think you need to reenact it."

"Right you are," he replied, grinning cheekily. Remus had never thought that grinning cheekily was something people did once they were an adult, but clearly not.

"This is for the beautiful flower in the room," Sirius announced, still grinning, and before James knew what was going on, once again he bounded over to James, picked him up and spun him around. The only difference was, this time when he set James down, he took his hand and began to dance with him, which only lasted until James regained control of his legs and pushed the other man away, but Lily's applause lasted long after that. She was bent over in laughter, but still her applause continued. Eventually, Dorcas, Peter and Remus joined in with the applause. Completely crazy, absolutely and completely crazy, Remus muttered under his breath, everything and everyone had gone mad. That was the only reasoning for all of this, they'd all gone insane, they were probably in an asylum somewhere and he was hallucinating. Everything was insane.

"Sirius!" James shouted at the same time Lily yelled, "That was brilliant!"

To which Sirius stepped to the side and took a bow, winking at Remus. _Unfair_, winking so unfair, but Remus had to admit even if this was all a hallucination, he didn't really mind because it was amazing.

"Sirius, if you do that one more time, I may just have to murder you," James announced, sitting on the floor and looking pleadingly at Lily.

"Sirius, if you do that again, I will absolutely take a video," Lily said, staring James in the eye, still shaking from the laughter.

"Sirius, that's incredible," Dorcas added, clinging onto Peter who was still laughing helplessly. "I wish Lene had been here to see that."

"Oh stop with all the Sirius's," Sirius said, shaking his head before pointing at Remus, "if Remus hadn't suggested it, I wouldn't have done it again."

"I felt bad that Lily missed out on seeing it the first time," Remus replied, avoiding James's eyes which were absolutely staring at him.

"Oh, I'm so glad that you told him to do it again!" Lily exclaiming, running over to hug him.

Ah, they were all mad, all so, so mad. And maybe this wasn't how the plan went, but it was oh so much better. So, so much better. They would all have to get back to work soon. It hadn't even been half an hour, but pastries were delicate and they couldn't over bake them or that would be another tray ruined and they couldn't really afford that.

"Sorry guys, but work?"

"Yeah Moony, you're right," Peter agreed, trying to keep his laughter under control while he walked over to his set of ovens. James did the same, and Dorcas went over to the fridge, checking all the cheesecakes. Remus took his own pastries out of the oven and set them up to cool. It was almost time to start packing the order.

One of them would need to go deliver it at some point this morning. Hopefully James, because he was the only one with a car. They used to use Peter's, but his had been run into a couple of weeks ago and he still hadn't gotten it fixed. Occasionally Dorcas could use Marlene's car, but she was away, or at least he thought she was. He most certainly did not have a car, and probably would not have one for quite some time, if ever. But they would sort that out when it came to it. James's car was almost always available, so that shouldn't be much of a problem. Worst comes to worst, they take a few extra people and take the train, he'd done that before, it wasn't too hard.

Right now though, the clock was ticking closer and to 8:00 and everyone was finishing up and beginning to set everything out for the day. Everything was clean, the cutlery, the tables, the benches, the glass over the counter and case. The breads were in the baskets, biscuits in jars, Cheesecakes still in the fridge, but even they would be taken out soon. They were all ready for the opening of the shop in five minutes. The curtains were opened again, hands were cleaned and neater aprons were put on. Everything looked rather professional. Except for Lily, who would stay as they opened for her morning coffee and danish.

And of course, Sirius, who would, well, Remus wasn't really sure what he'd do. He could stay of course, but if he was going to stay and not buy anything, he'd have to stay in the kitchen, which probably wouldn't be all that exciting. It'd be extraordinarily distracting as well. That's where Remus spent most of the day, and it really wouldn't help to have this insane, attractive stranger in there with him, but that would be alright. If he needed to stay, Remus would let him, but it wouldn't be particularly helpful. It would be fine though. Absolutely fine.

The shop opened and James was just making Lily's coffee, Peter was behind the counter and Dorcas and Remus were still in the kitchen, preparing the last few things. Remus for the order and Dorcas for the cheesecakes. There were a few customers in there already, Remus could hear, it was going to be a good morning. "Do you know if we can take James's car for the delivery?" Remus asked Dorcas, she always seemed to know random things like that.  
"We can't, his mum has it, I think. I don't know, he was vague about it, but kind of upset. You know how he loves that car."

"Oh yes, I know how he loves that car."

"Train then?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Marl's away, yeah?"

"Yeah, she is. Sorry mate."

"No problem, the train isn't that hard."

"I've got a bike if you want that?" Sirius offered, glancing between Remus and Dorcas.

"Hm, I don't think it'll all fit."

"A motorbike, I mean. I'll drive and we can both carry the boxes and we can put some in the sidecar?" he suggested.

"That would actually be really awesome, Sirius. Are you sure?"

"No problem at all."

"Thank you so much. Would you mind very much if we went now?"

"Not at all. Come on, let's go. She's brilliant."

"She?"

"Absolutely."

"Alright. Don't go too fast."

"I can't guarantee that."


	2. Almost Okay

They were both loaded with boxes, and Remus with anxiety. He'd never actually been on a motorbike before, despite wanting to when he was younger. He'd always thought there was something incredibly rebellious about them, they were loud, you couldn't carry a family in them, they were almost looked down upon. But really, it was just another way of transportation. And they were both carrying boxes of pastries, how dangerous could it be? They probably shouldn't have been carrying as many boxes as they were, but that was okay. What was a couple extra boxes? It would be fine. He didn't even want to ask Sirius what the laws on carrying things on motorbikes were. No, it was better to stay unaware. It wasn't like making deliveries on Sirius's bike was going to become a usual thing, so it was okay, just for one trip. He knew he was desperately trying to reassure himself. He knew that he probably didn't need to be worried at all. But there he was, worrying.

"Are you alright, Remus?" Sirius asked, trying to turn back to Remus, but instead getting caught on boxes.

"Don't turn around, you'll knock my pastries. Don't knock the pastries," Remus scolded in reply, truthfully, he didn't care if Sirius turned around, none of the pastries were particularly fragile, but he'd rather the other man not see him as he worked through the idea of being on a motorbike. They hadn't even started driving yet, but the vibration underneath him was weird, and it was even weirder being so close to Sirius. Even with the boxes between them, it felt weird. But the rest of the morning had been weird so it only made sense that this would be too. Might as well keep the theme going, he supposed.

"Ready?" Sirius asked, bringing his hand to come rest behind him on Remus's knee.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ready," Remus stuttered out his reply, increasingly glad that you need two hands to ride a motorbike because if Sirius had kept his hand there, Remus may have imploded. And not for any other reason than, it was weird to have a stranger just touch you, it was just awkward and uncomfortable, or at least it felt that way for him. Just, no.

"Alright then, let's go deliver some pastries!" Sirius exclaimed, squeezing Remus's knee slightly before letting go and then they were on their way.

It was nowhere near as bad Remus thought it was going to be. Actually, it was quite amazing, it was exhilarating and exciting and everything that he avoided. It was one of the strangest sensations that he'd ever felt, but it wasn't bad. No, none of it was bad. Quite dangerous for his pastries, yes. But bad? No, no definitely not. Maybe instead of buying a car like everyone urged him to, he should buy a motorcycle instead. He almost laughed at that thought, that would never happen. But he was going to enjoy this, right now.

"So, how'd you like it?" Sirius asked, his face was flushed and he looked a little like an excited puppy, all bright eyes and expectancy.

"Hm, it was awful, really," Remus replied, the sarcasm almost physically manifesting. "What do you think? I loved it," he said, this time dropping the sarcasm and replacing it with a grin. This time, and it was the only time he hadn't heard Sirius reply, either sincerely or with some amusing comment, this time, Sirius just grinned back and motioned towards the hall they were meant to be delivering to.

"Right, the actual delivery, not the bike," Remus said, biting his bottom lip, wishing slightly that he had something more interesting to say. The man had kept Remus company for hours, bringing up all sorts of intriguing topics, they'd had conversations about pop-punk and punk-rock, which had somehow turned into a conversation about crystals and tarot cards, Remus honestly wasn't sure how they got there. They'd had conversations about animals, about food, about weird advertising schemes, and now Remus could barely think of anything at all, only hoping that he hadn't bored Sirius half to death that morning.

Walking into the hall, piled high with boxes, Remus couldn't really see where he was going, clumsy at the best of times, he inevitably slipped and landed flat on his back. "I saved the pastries," he muttered, slightly glad that at least he knew how to protect things from being crushed by now. There'd been far too many incidents before he'd perfected the technique of I'm-going-to-fall-so-let-me-not-destroy-all-my-work-too.

"Are you okay?"

There was a girl standing above him, looking mildly concerned though he didn't know if it was directed at the box or him.

"Yes, I'm fine, thanks," he replied, standing up as quick as he could, box firmly in his hands.

"I assume you're from The Final Waltz?" she asked, looking between Sirius and him like she couldn't quite place whether they were just two random boys with boxes, or if they were actually from the bakery. To be fair, Remus did agree that they didn't look particularly baker-like, of course Sirius didn't, he wasn't even a baker.

"Yes, he is," Sirius said, smiling at her. Remus noticed he had a particular charm that he used with people he didn't know, it seemed to be distant, but also demanding attention, he didn't know who Sirius was, really, but he guessed that he was particularly good with people.

"Good. Thank you. You didn't crush any of them?" she asked, turning toward Remus, eyeing the boxes that he'd been carrying.

"I'm certain I didn't, but you're more than welcome to check if you'd like." He was more than certain that he didn't, but he understood her doubt, she hadn't seen the fall after all, only him lying on the ground.

"No, no, it's fine. Thank you. Have they already paid?"

"No, they haven't, but they've got the bank details, if they don't pay within a week I'll contact you."

"Alright then. Thank you…" she trailed off, looking curiously at Sirius, in fact she seemed to be directing most of her questions and comments toward Sirius, clearly he was a more intriguing person or something.

"Sirius," he said, "this is Remus. And you are?"

"Good to meet you Sirius," she smiled, taking the boxes out of their arms, "and you Remus. I'm Anna. Thank you for the pastries."

"No problem Anna, I hope the Gala goes well," Remus said, waving an awkward goodbye before turning to leave.

"Goodbye Anna!" Sirius called, turning to walk with Remus, quietly grasping Remus's hand and letting it fall between them as they walked out.

"Why? What? I don't know —"

"You alright?" Sirius asked Remus, cutting him off, though it wouldn't have made a difference because he was currently unable to talk. Why was Sirius holding his hand? He didn't know. He was a pretty tactile person, but he probably wouldn't have even have held James's hand, who he was undoubtedly closest too, and certainly closer to than this person who he hadn't even known for twelve hours!

"Hand?" he managed to stutter out, and still he hadn't removed his hand, it wasn't like he didn't like it, but what was Sirius doing?

"Oh, sorry darling. Not a touchy-feely person, then?" And with that he slipped his hand away again, leaving Remus's much colder than before.

"No, I, uh, just surprised. I definitely am," he chuckled a little at that, all the times James had told him that he was crazy for just snuggling into him, "Ask James or Peter, they'll tell you."

"Oh, well great then," Sirius said, flinging an arm around Remus's shoulders. "Now, what do you say we go for a walk before you go back?" he asked, somewhat nervously, Remus thought, there was something different in his tone.

"I can't, I'm sorry. I really do have to get back, it's almost Christmas and we really do have too many orders to skip a day."

"I thought you might say that. What do you say if I ask Dorcas if it'll matter?" Sirius suggested, his eyebrows raised.

"Sorry Sirius, but no. I can't. She'll say yes, but then we'll end up behind. We can't end up behind now. Maybe some other time?" he suggested, though he immediately wished he hadn't said anything because how was he to know if they were going to see each other again? Sirius might just leave and look back on it as a memory of *wow, that was incredibly weird and strange. A bakery full of slightly insane people*.

"Alright then, maybe some other time," Sirius agreed, grinning slightly as he nodded. "Well, if we're not going for a walk, best we get back then?"

"Sure."

And once again, Remus was surprised by just how much he enjoyed the ride. This time though, it was even stranger, because he was now pressed right up against Sirius, no boxes to separate them, but instead Remus with his arms wrapped around Sirius's waist and the urge to lean against him. The ride was just as exhilarating and exciting as it was before. It was everything, everything that Remus generally stayed away from, it was everything that he'd never really craved before, but now, now maybe he would. He could imagine wanting the feeling again, wanting to feel the same excitement, the breathtaking thrill. Maybe he was making too much of it, he thought as they sped down the road, but there was something that was so very, very amazing about it all.

They got back to the bakery, Remus handing the helmet back to Sirius with the biggest grin he'd had for months. "So, you really do love it then?" Sirius asked, laughing a little.

"It's one of the best things I've ever done."

"Good to hear, good to hear. It's my favourite thing to do. At first I only got it because my parents wanted me to get a car, and I just wanted to get away from their expectations. So I bought a motorcycle. She's my favourite thing in the world pretty much," he said, taking off his own helmet.

"They had a lot of expectations?"

"Yeah, yeah," he replied, no indication of whether he was going to talk about it more or not.

"They're not your favourite thing in the world, I'm guessing?" Remus asked, it didn't sound like they were, judging by the boy's tone. Sirius only laughed in response, a quick shake of his head being all that Remus got as a reply.

Remus smiled at Sirius's lack of reply, guessing what it meant and then wove through the customers to the door that separated the kitchen from the shop. "Coming?"

"Of course." They'd only just stepped into the room when James came walking towards Remus, completely ignoring Sirius who had gone over to look at a tray of cupcakes. Remus didn't know what was going on, but it can't have been anything good, maybe something happened with Lily? He wasn't sure, only sure that no one could miss the hurt in James's eyes.

"Remus! Did you need the painkillers?" James asked, his voice low and deep, but not low enough for Remus to be comfortable, as he made known with a hurried, "shhh". "Oh fuck it, I'm not shushing right now. You can't keep doing this, Remus! Did you need the painkillers, because there was a bottle on your bench, and you don't normally leave them out unless you've taken them. Did you?"

"James, please, just wait." Turning to Sirius, he bit his lip, "can you just go into the shop for a minute? Dorcas is out there, as is Pete, they'll give you a cake and some tea or coffee or something, just go."

"Alright Remus, I need to leave properly soon anyway."

"Of course, yeah. Then ask them to pack something up for you. They'll give you some stuff. Take care, Sirius."

"Okay Remus. You too."

Both James and Remus watched as Sirius left the room, Remus hurriedly walking over to lock the door. There was a time when he would have walked out, or stood by the door, waiting for a chance to escape, but there was no point now. He knew that James would find him some way or another, and he'd be forced to talk all the same.

"Did you take them? Rem, Moony, you're great and you're amazing, but you can't keep doing this. I know you put off taking them until you absolutely have to, so when you do, you need to go home. Did you take them?"

"James, it do—"

"No, Lupin! It does matter, okay? It matters quite a lot. In fact, it matters so fucking much that I'm going to explode if you keep doing this. Did you take them? Or were you going to? You need to tell me. So enough with the protests, enough with the avoiding questions. Enough, enough. Just enough of all of it!" James said in a furious whisper. He always was the mother hen of the group, Remus knew. People expected it to be Peter, friendly, funny Peter, but they couldn't be more wrong. Some people thought it could be Dorcas or Marlene, but that must have just been because they were girls, Remus thought, because that absolutely wasn't right either. No, it was definitely James. It always had been, and it always would be.

"Don't call me Lupin, okay? Thanks. Yes, I took them. Yes, I'm in so much pain that I wish it were something else so I could just go to the hospital and they could do something. But it's not, and they can't, so what's the point of telling anyone because no one can do anything about it! Come on James, what am I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to let me know, Rem. Mate, I love you, I honestly, honestly do and I know you hate telling me this stuff, but can you please? For me? Just give it a shot, Rem. Please."

"It won't make any difference, and I hate bothering you. Honestly, there's nothing you can do, so why do you want to know?"

"Because I want to know how you are. I want to know you. You're my best friend, come on, just try."  
"Fine, fine. I don't care, James. Just next time don't go talking about it in front of other people. Please? It's not something anyone else needs to know. Too many people know already. Okay?"

"Alright Rem, if that's the deal then I'll take it."  
"I don't know if I should thank you or walk out," he said, sitting down on the ground, his head falling forwards into his hands.

"Neither. But I've got to unlock the door now, so you can stay there if you want, or you can stand up, 'kay?" James replied, walking over to the door and Remus heard the familiar click of the lock unlocking. He'd decided to stay on the floor, not really able to summon the energy to do anything else.

"Why'd you lock the door?"

"Everything okay?"

Remus could hear everyone asking James questions, and probably him too, but it took far too much out of him to even think coherently, let alone lift his head and talk to them properly. The room seemed to be spinning out of control and his breath wasn't really there as much as he'd have liked it to be. He knew he was shaking, and he knew that in just a second or two, he wanted to scream because his anxiety would be eating him from the inside out. And he didn't need anything else destroying him, the illness was doing that well enough on its own. He could hear everyone, he could hear everyone clearly, but he couldn't answer. He couldn't even move. It was like something was compressing him together, not allowing him to move or breathe or even think out of the little box he was confined to. *What if. What if. What if* just running through his head, over and over and over again. He felt like he was going to throw up, he felt like he wanted to get out, he felt like he wanted to break out of his own skin, he felt like he wanted to scream, to cry. He felt so much, and yet he couldn't do anything. So he sat and waited. It was the only thing that ever ended up working.

Eventually the loudness stopped, eventually he could move and speak and remember his own body and mind. But things were never quite right after a panic attack, his brain was slow, not reacting quick enough or going the opposite way and reacting too much. He was always a mess afterwards. He hated it, he hated it, he hated it. Slowly, slowly he stood up and managed a weak smile before walking over to his bench and pulling out the ingredients to make bread. They needed more, and it was a comforting thing to make, nothing difficult about it, only memory and repetition. "No Rem, come on mate, I think it's time you go home."

"Peter, I appreciate it, but no."

"No Remus, he's right, you can't just go back to work as a way to ignore it. You have to take time for yourself. Go home, have a shower. We'll be fine. We'll be fine."

"Dorcas, come on. We have Christmas orders. It's only, what? Half past eleven? I can't leave now. What on earth would I do?"

"Go home Remus," Peter repeated, placing a hand on Remus's shoulder, only to have it shaken off again.

"Fine, if that's what you want me to do. I can see none of you are going to stop with this, so fine," he agreed, but not happily. He all but tore his apron off, hanging it up more aggressively than anyone had probably seen him since they were in school. He was walking, no, striding over to the door when it was opened by none other than Sirius. "Oh fantastic. I thought you left?"

"Darling, what are you saying?" Sirius replied, somewhat dangerously and for the first time, Remus noticed his eyes.

"*Darling*, I'm not saying anything other than the words that left my mouth. Do you need food to take with you?" Remus asked, keeping his tone even and firm as was a specialty of his.

"Yes, you are. But clearly, something has happened, something big because it looks as if you're leaving. Dorcas and Peter have kindly already given me food, so I came to say goodbye and thank you. However, if you're leaving, do you need a lift?"

"No, I do not," Remus replied as James said, "yes, he does."

"Which is it then? I'm going to go with yes, because it seems James is in a better frame of mind than you are, so off we go then?"

"Fine."

"So, at the beginning of the morning, you said that I could call you whatever the fuck I wanted to because I'd seen you frustrated. Are you telling me that it's uncommon to see you frustrated?" Sirius asked as the two of them pulled on helmets and swung themselves onto the bike.

"Apparently not anymore."

"Apparently not? Well, I'll be asking James of his opinion."

"Don't tell me you've got James's number?"

"I've got everyone's number except yours."  
"Well, it's staying like that."

"I know. Now, let's go," Sirius said. Three seconds later they were down the road and again Remus was feeling the reckless exhilaration that he'd only ever felt today, and yet, it was the third time today that he'd felt it, but this time the exhilaration was strewn with panic rather than joy, and his previous strange-but-comfortable feeling of his arms around Sirius had vanished and it was all just strange now. It was all just so strange. All so strange.

"Remus, I don't actually know your address," Sirius stated as they were stopped in front of a red light.

"Oh god, of course you don't. Can you do me a favour though?"

"Depends. What is it?"

"Drop me at the bus stop that's on the corner of the next road. Please?" Remus asked, his voice was surprisingly under control, he was impressed. He needed the bus trip, he needed to be alone, just for a little while, so he could get his head together. He hated being trapped at home when he was so anxious, it was best to take the bus trip and try breathe it out before he was stuck in the one place.

"You'll be safe?" Sirius asked, turning around slightly, his eyes seeking out Remus's.

"Why wouldn't I be safe? Yes, I'll be safe," Remus promised, not quite sure why Sirius was worried about his safety, but that was a question for another time, and definitely not for when the lights were just about to turn green.

With a nod, Sirius started driving again, and Remus enjoyed the last minute of being on the bike before Sirius pulled over. Swinging himself off the bike, he unclipped the helmet, and handed it over to Sirius with a grateful smile. "See you, Remus. It's be a morning I'll not forget," Sirius said, his long fingers — they were perfect for playing piano — tapping along his knee.

"Mhm, it's definitely been interesting. Thanks for the ride."

"No problem. See you around."

As Sirius drove off, Remus offered a small wave, one quickly returned by Sirius before he was down the road and Remus was alone and hoping the bus would be there soon.

It wasn't unusual for James and Remus to have arguments. It definitely wasn't unusual for them to fight about Remus not telling him when Things with a capital T were bad. But every single time, Remus felt shit afterwards. He hated telling James, or anyone, when Things were bad, but he wasn't too keen fighting either. He never could decide what the better option was. It was a cycle they followed every so often, one that neither of them really liked, Remus knew, but even that didn't make it any easier to tell him. He knew that it'd all need to change at some point, but he was nineteen, he'd been diagnosed just over a year ago now. And it wasn't getting any easier.

It was getting colder, and it was probably going to rain soon, he noted, shuffling further under the bus shelter, running his hand through the light brown mess of hair. He needed a haircut, but honestly, he couldn't be bothered. It was just hair after all, how much did it matter? Probably a lot, but it wasn't like as a baker, he saw a huge amount of people. Generally he was just behind the scenes, he wasn't usually the one to be at the till, or go around serving people. So how much did hair really matter?

Sure enough, the bus came late, as this particular bus was bound to do, and sure enough, as soon as he jumped aboard, the rain started pouring down. Hopefully, his apartment would stay together, or at least the leaks stay to one spot. However worrying that was, the rhythm of the bus soon had his head lost somewhere in space, ignoring the day, avoiding the pain, dismissing the leaks. Earphones in and listening to Green Day — his guilty pleasure — he was determined to ignore everything he was determined to do. And the bus trip home was almost okay.


	3. If I'm The One Dealing The Blow

The doorknob was cold and so was the air as Remus walked into his apartment. Shivering slightly, he watched his breath float through the air and looked longingly over at the heater before rolling his eyes and walking over to flick it on and wait for things to warm up even slightly. Tugging off his scarf, he groaned at the pile of course work that was sitting on the kitchen bench. Come home to recover, only to have more work. It wasn't unusual, and it wasn't unwanted. Only, the exhaustion was threatening to take over. Heavy eyelids and slumped shoulders, he made his way over to the fridge. The list of things he was meant to buy was still pinned under the magnet that he used for everything. It wasn't likely that anything had been checked off, but it was still good to make sure. It also wasn't likely that he was going to go out to buy anything, the couch was begging him to come over, he could feel it.

Sure enough, the list was still complete, completely unchecked off, that is. Lists were great, they were helpful and handy for when Remus's brain was scattered 'round the world, but they were also just more and more depressing. He looked around the room and there were lists pinned everywhere. Along the doors, there was one on the table. There was even one on the fucking bookshelf. So many lists and not enough energy.

Even so, Remus was determined to get through the course work. He would, he would, he had to. His back and head were pounding with pain, but they were part of another list. One that didn't need completing, one that was more of a checklist, a list of symptoms that is. And unfortunately, he knew that there was nothing that was going to help except for a shit ton of painkillers and he wasn't quite ready for that. Semi angrily, he yanked a chair out of its normal spot at the table and slid in, readying a fine liner and opening a textbook.

—

The sun had set, the heater had finally kicked in, a list was almost complete and Remus's head would explode if he didn't get away from the fucking light RIGHT NOW. Groaning and using his hands to help, he managed to stand and stumble over to his room, for once relieved that his apartment was so tiny. Closing the door as quietly as possible behind him, he shut the curtains and struggled through the action of taking his shoes and jacket off before collapsing on his bed. Desperately trying to think of something to distract him.

Dorcas's birthday, yes, yes that was a good thought. He'd bake a cake. They'd have a party. Marlene would be back soon and he'd talk to her about it. What else? What else? It was more difficult than he used to believe, distracting oneself, far too difficult in his opinion. Thinking of James, Peter, pastries, all good distractions, but the pain was fitting back just as fiercely. Sirius, Sirius kept jumping into his thoughts as well. Sirius with his strange answers to questions, never quite giving any straight answers. Sirius with his Freddie Mercury persona that every once and awhile faded just a little. Sirius with his grey eyes and long hair. Sirius with that damned motorbike that Remus ached to go on again, though the mere thought of it sent his head throbbing even more aggressively.

Sirius being so distracting didn't make a whole lot of sense, generally Remus went through the plot of a book, or re-thought the day, but perhaps it was just because he was a strange new person. He didn't often have conversations with strangers, not proper ones anyway, only the brief exchanges from worker to customer. Sirius probably had millions of conversations with strangers. Calling them all darling and dear and honey, wishing them well, turning up the charm and laughing quietly as everyone gravitates towards him. But Remus wasn't like that. He was the person who stood to the side, who reserved nicknames for those he knew best and he was the person to come across as rude or cold or as a couple of people had asked — mute.

He wasn't all too fussed about not being like Sirius, or so he told himself. And mostly, he wasn't too fussed with anything but getting rid of the blasted pain. Reaching over blindly for his water bottle and the paracetamol, thoughts of "maybe your making it out to be worse than it is" running through his head, he took two and wished he could take more without it making everything worse. But he'd tried that before - the hospital had been blinding white and the noise had been the worst thing he'd ever heard. It was better to deal with the pain two tablets at a time, than to end up like that again.

The blaring noise of a phone ringing sounded only a few minutes after. Just when his head was finally in a spot that didn't make the pain worse. He shouldn't be surprised really, he told himself. The ringtone was all too familiar. James. Sitting up, almost as if he were a rusty robot of some kind, he picked up the phone and held it slightly away from his ear, hoping that James wasn't going to yell into the phone.

"Moony?"

"Yeah?" He replied blearily, thanking whatever god was out there that James hadn't screamed.

"Are you alright? You weren't good at all when you were at the bakery."

"Yeah, I know I wasn't. And no, not really okay if you want the truth. Just taken more painkillers. The headache's easing a little, but not enough."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"No, no."

"It's no problem, really. Pete's out and anyone else who wants to come over knows where the key is."

"I still can't believe that you just let anyone you know crash at yours. But anyway, no. No, have a good night or whatever. I'm just lying in a dark room. I'll be fine. Thank you though."

"Anytime Rem. Take care. Wait four hours before taking anything else, okay?"

"Okay, James, okay."

"Awesome. See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," Remus agreed, his expressing becoming significantly lighter at James's words. He'd be back at work tomorrow. He just had to make it through tonight. Tomorrow wasn't all that far away, truly. He just had to get through a little while longer. It wasn't that long at all, was it?

The next day would dawn bright, and well, not early at all, but he'd be there early, and he'd be baking again. The flour would hopefully stay to the designated areas, rather than the floor. Chances were that he wouldn't walk into a mess. And more likely than not, James would be there again, attempting to wipe the obvious worry from his face. Remus would smile and nod, before heading over to his bench and working on whatever project he had planned for the day. The exchange had been going for too long now, and the chances of stopping weren't in sight, so Remus just resigned himself to it. He didn't need the extra struggle of doing anything but resigning himself to facts.

The night took a long time to fade, the darkness growing and growing. Remus pulling the blankets closer and closer and slipping further into sleep as his headache felt less like people were waging World War III behind his eyes. He sighed in relief as he turned the pillow over and sunk his head into it, the pain finally easing into nothing but a dull ache and his sleep finally became something that could almost be described as restful.

The dream started with nothing more than a street. It appeared to be a sunny day, a strange thing in London's winter, but Dream-Remus seemed to be okay with it, tilting his head back and brushing the hair out of his eyes. He must need a haircut if it was too long, even in his dreams. Dream-Remus was walking down the street, it seemed vaguely familiar, but the shop names weren't recognisable. The further he walked, the more noise he heard. It started with cheerful chattering, sounding almost like the bakery, but that didn't last long. Soon, the noise was like he was at a live concert, rather strange for a seemingly peaceful London street, but then Dream-Remus turned a corner and there were what looked like hundreds of people, though they didn't exactly look like they were on their way to a concert. It looked more like a riot and Dream-Remus shied away from it, making to turn back to his peaceful street.

Suddenly he was encircled and fear flashed through his mind. James was there, his face nothing like it so often was, instead of a mischievous, but motherly, he looked as if he were going to war. Peter's kind, amusement filled expression had turned to fury. Dorcas looked downright menacing and Marlene, standing by her side looked ready to kill. Lily was standing tall and by herself, eyes flashing and Dream-Remus could have sworn her eyes flashed as red as her hair. And then there was Sirius, Sirius was there too and for a moment Dream-Remus was taken aback, Sirius didn't look angry or furious, but cold and more dangerous than anyone else there. More dangerous than the lines and lines of people behind his friends, more dangerous than the many weapons that everyone carried and more dangerous than the fact that Dream-Remus was surrounded. And it was then that Dream-Remus broken into a run. Where was he running? He didn't know. Zig zagging across the place, pushing through people, praying that this was all a dream. There were trees, there were fires, he didn't know what else until he fell, and until he snapped awake.

Breathing far too heavily, he heard the brash noise of his alarm going off and leant over to turn it off. Still shaken by his dream, he scanned the bedroom carefully before throwing the covers off and bringing his head to his hands, closing his amber eyes for just one more minute. And one minute it was, after that he was swinging his legs off the bed, stumbling his way over to the shower, fiddling with the taps and waiting until the water was finally warm enough to bear. Tossing his clothes to the floor, he stepped under the water and leant back against the wall, enjoying his five minutes of semi-relaxation before his morning really begun.

Ten minutes later, Remus was dressed, his teeth and hair had been brushed and he was making his bed. Hospital corners were a necessity and the sheets were pulled tight across the mattress. The painkillers were slipped into his bag and in another ten minutes he would be on the bus. One of the bonuses of working at a bakery meant there was no need for a rushed breakfast at home when he could simply enjoy the meal when he got there. Pulling a jumper on, followed by a jacket, over the top of the three other layers he had on — he had always run cold, making it a pain to go outside in winter — he was shoving a red beanie on, and a grey scarf, as well as grey gloves. Likely, he'd still be cold, but he knew from experience that if he wore anything more, he'd end up looking like a multicoloured marshmallow, and though he didn't care overly about his appearance, it did make it rather awkward to move.

Dressed and ready to go, he grabbed his keys and stepped outside, locking all three of the locks behind him. Checking them once, twice, three times. Slowly, he made his was down the stairs. Top floor apartment sounded cool when he found it, but soon enough, he realised that in a building that didn't have a working elevator, being four stories up wasn't exactly the most enjoyable thing at three forty-five in the morning. But that was okay.

Stepping outside into the cold, he shivered and picked up the pace, walking to the bus stop. The bus was meant to come at ten to four, but it was almost always late. The driver probably left late for his first stop. Treasuring the last few moments in bed and then taking his time to sip his morning coffee. He looked like a coffee-drinking sort of man to Remus. Then, he probably decided that he didn't need to leave straight away, he probably thought that no one would make it to the bus stop on time, it was so early, who wanted to? Remus hoped that he enjoyed whatever he did in the morning, because Remus himself never failed to get there at ten to four, and he always found himself wondering what exactly it was that the driver did to make him late every single morning.

Sure enough, the bus was there at 3:55 and Remus's nose and cheeks had gone red, his eyes watering a little from the sharp wind that seemed to be blowing even harder on this particular morning. Though, that was probably just because they were getting further and further into winter. Stepping onto the bus with a "good morning," and a tap of his Oyster, he walked down the bus and slid into his regular seat. The woman who sat in the row in front of him smiled, and he returned the smile with his own, he'd never found out her name, but she was there almost every day, as was he, and they often exchanged smiles. She seemed nice, though she often looked stressed. Her headphones were big and black and she was usually reading a book, or typing something into her phone. She was definitely a tea person, Remus had decided a couple of weeks ago. She sometimes carried a keep cup, but it was purple, so he couldn't tell what was in it, but he was sure that it was tea. She just seemed like a tea person.

Four-thirty and Remus was twenty steps away from the bakery. Yes, he counted. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven…

The curtains were shut over the front of the bakery, but there was light peeking out from underneath. It would have to be James, he was the only other one with a key regularly. Often they switched around, but it always ended back up with James. Pete was bound to lose it, putting it in a "safe place" and promising that he'd be more careful. Dorcas was fine with the key, but not so good with early mornings, so she did her very best to avoid opening up.

Curious to see who was there, Remus didn't stop to check if everything was okay before walking into the kitchen. And there was James, standing in all his glory. Accessorised with a pink apron, flour in his hair and icing on his nose by the looks of it. So absorbed in icing the cake he was working on, he didn't appear to notice Remus at all, even as he closed the door behind him. "Morning, James."

"Remus! Hey!"

"What are you icing? Is it an order?" Remus asked, racking his brain for what needed to have such complex decoration for that day. He couldn't remember anything that would need so much of James's time.

"It's not an order, no. It's a practice for Dorcas's cake."  
"Oh wow, that's really impressive. We're having a party, I assume?"

"Yes, of course. I spoke to Marlene last night, apparently Dorcas is actually excited about her birthday, but doesn't want to make a fuss over it, so naturally, we're all going to make the biggest fuss over it."

"What sort of friends would we be if we didn't?" Remus grinned, stepping closer to look at James's intricate design. "So, what are we going to do with this cake? If it's going to be a surprise, we can't let Dorcas see it. And I know she's only getting here this afternoon, but I don't think that you, Wormtail and I can eat an entire cake."

"Ah, that's a good question. Maybe we can give it to someone? You know, one of our regular customers as a thank you sort of thing?"

"Why not, honestly, why not?"

"Great. Well, that's that sorted. When is Wormy getting here anyway?"

"I mean, he said he'd be here for the morning. He was going to make a bunch of cupcakes, it's Wednesday after all. You know, he always make the cupcakes on Wednesday, it seems."

"I think it's the one time he actually makes a plan."

"You could very well be right. Hopefully he does come, because I'm making croissants and danishes today."

"Orders?"

"Just the biscuit one, but I think Dorcas cut them all out yesterday and I'll just put them in the oven later."  
"Awesome. Well, I'll be making cakes and brownies. Dorcas will come and make bread, I assume?"

"I've not a clue what she'll be doing, but she'll sort it out. She's good like that."

"That's true. Well, I've got to continue this. I guess you've got to get on with your pastries?"

"Mhm, I do," Remus replied, nodding slightly, taking one last glance at the cake, "thank you for organising the cake, by the way."

"Of course."

It wasn't long before Remus was wholly absorbed in creating the pastries to perfection. Peter's entrance and his "hi guys" was met only with a "hey" and a short nod before Remus turned back to the bench and continued his careful crafting. Each fold and roll, each little thing placed precisely. Biting his lip, he carried them over to the oven, making sure none of them slid even the tiniest bit. As soon as they were in the oven, he got to work creating the delicate pastries that needed to be baked in the lowest of heats. They would go in the oven just after everything else had come out, and the oven was still warm. Often he could almost turn the oven off completely, making sure they were at the perfect temperature. All his energy went into this, the morning pastry making, making sure everything was exact. He did the easier things after that was finished. Making cakes, biscuits and whatever else needed preparing for the next day, or for James's icing. That came after his early morning pastry making.

It was exactly 8:00 when the last pastries were finished, when Peter's cupcakes were iced, when James's last brownies were cut. In some sort of procession, they walked out of the kitchen, carrying trays and racks ready to be put on display. Cupcakes went on the top shelf, carefully placed in line with the hand made calligraphic names. Underneath them were the pastries and underneath them, went the cakes. On top of the counter there were biscuits. In baskets behind the till and hanging on the wall it was bread. The cheesecakes, both big and small, had their own little case to the side. It was all rather organised, or at least, they attempted to keep it that way. There had been occasions when they'd over catered and things got a little messy, with them trying to squeeze as much food in as physically possible.

8:05 and the first customer had arrived. It was Kingsley, as usual. And as usual, Peter was at the coffee machine, making Kingsley's coffee and James was serving up the blueberry danish that Kingsley came in to eat at least three times a week. It was a comfortable routine they all settled into. Pete at the coffee machine for the next few hours, James and Remus taking turns serving and going behind the scenes to bake some more. Customers came in often. People Remus had never seen, people Remus had seen a month or more ago and people that came every week, or even every day. They all mixed in together. The talk was gentle and generous, just background chattering. Every so often there was someone in tears, or someone who looked a little as if they might explode. If Remus could find the time, he liked to slip them an extra little thing with their order, hoping that it could cheer them up a little.

It was 12:00 and Remus was taking his first break of the day. He'd asked James if he could handle it and received a cocky "of course" in return. So with a grin, he'd slipped into the kitchen and propped himself against his counter, opening the window which had been the reason he'd claimed this particular bench. Closing his eyes, he relaxed, just for a moment, and he took a minute to just assess exactly how bad he felt. Head - okay

Chest - a little achy

Back - not bad

Hips - pretty good

Overall aching - moderate

Weakness in legs - eh

Overall, he was impressed. It was a good outcome, especially after the day before. He smiled to himself a little, he was going to take all the good days he could, even if they were only moderately good.

"Remus? Have you eaten? There's someone who wants to see you, can I send them in?" came Dorcas's voice from the doorway. Remus's eyes were still closed, but he didn't exactly feel the need to open them, not when it was Dorcas, she wouldn't care.

"Hey Dorcas, how are you? No, I haven't eaten. Uh, I suppose?"

"I'm good. Eat something then, you dork. Awesome."

"Glad to hear. How does not eating make me a dork? Should I be scared?" he asked, but she'd already left it seemed, because there was no reply. Opening his eyes, only because there was someone who was going to come in, he was surprised to be met with the face of Sirius, rather than Lily or someone wanting an order or something.

"Oh, hello."

"I see you're glad I'm here," Sirius said, or rather, drawled, that was the only way Remus could describe it.

"Just surprised. I didn't think I'd see you again, especially not today and definitely not in the kitchen."

"You're a funny man, Remus. Why would you not see me? I've tasted the food that comes from this bakery, nothing could keep me away now," Sirius announced, amusement splayed across his face. "And you know, there was a man I met here that I rather liked. Though, I'm not entirely sure if he liked me, or just my bike,"

Remus was speechless for a second. He wasn't particularly surprised about the food, he knew that Sirius had taken some cake, and Dorcas's cake combined with James's icing was particularly heavenly, so that wasn't particularly shocking. But the rest of it, well, he couldn't quite work out if Sirius was being, well, serious about it. Was he joking? Was he flirting? Was he simply making friendly banter? Remus had no idea.

"Oh, he only liked the bike, most definitely. He told me so last night. In fact, he barely even mentioned you, but the bike, well that was spoken about almost continuously," Remus replied, smirking down at Sirius. He hadn't realised just how much taller than Sirius he was, but he certainly did now.

"Ah well, liking the bike is better than liking nothing at all, I suppose," Sirius sighed, with a regretful flourish of his hands. "Perhaps I'll invite him for another ride, though it's possible that he wouldn't want to spend anymore time with me than he absolutely had to."

"Hm, that's a difficult one to discern —"

"Oh my god, you use the word discern in casual conversation?" Sirius half asked, half exclaimed.

"Yeah? You're the fancy, posh sounding one. What's wrong with discern?"

"Nothing, but oh my god. You're amazing."  
"I'm glad you think I'm amazing. I'm not sure I'm inclined to say the same about you," Remus said, eyebrows raising, still looking confused.

"I'm wounded," Sirius clutched his heart with one hand, bringing the other up to his forehead, "I may just be dying from that awful attack."

"Oh dear, whatever shall I do?"

"Take me to the hospital you jerk!"

"Well, if I was the one dealing the blow, what makes you think I want to save you?"

"Cruel, heartless, monster!" Sirius exclaimed, crumpling to the floor in a dramatic pile. Remus wasn't exactly sure what to do with that except laugh, and so that's all he did.

"Rude," Sirius proclaimed, standing up, hands on his hips, which Remus was trying not to pay too much attention to. How did one have such slim hips? How was Sirius so slim as it was? Or rather, it wasn't the slimness that blew Remus away, but the sheer beauty of the man, there, he'd admitted it. Sirius was a beautiful man, and he had no business being that attractive, honestly.

"Not rude, not rude at all. Now, what do you want?"

"Now, that was rude. I just liked the bakery, and I liked your company. There are few people who I genuinely enjoy the company of. So, basically I came to bother you. I spent the morning trying to find a place to live and considering job options, so I thought I'd come here now that that was all finished."

"I see. Did you find somewhere to live?"

"Nope. But I'll work it out."

"Okay then. Well, shop closes at 4:00, so I can't really give you a whole lot of company, because I'll just be working."

"Do you work all day every day?"

"Yes, he does," James answered, entering the room and waving a hello to Sirius. "Hey Sirius. I didn't know you were here. Rem, Wormtail is, uh, not good. Is it okay if he goes home tomorrow?"

"Like, home-home?" Remus asked, eyebrows scrunched together.

"Yeah, home-home. Something's happened. He didn't want to mess up the shifts for anyone, but he sounds pretty distressed."

"Of course he can go home. We'll work something out. I'm here all day anyway."

"You shouldn't be. You know, you should take an afternoon off once a week or something. But, yeah I told him that we'd work it all out."

"I'll come out and tell him he's being an idiot. If he needs to go home, then of course he should. And no, James, I shouldn't take any time off. I've got evenings, that's fine."

"Sirius, tell him that he's being stupid?"

"No problem. Remus, that's a stupid reason. You're going to work yourself half to death," Sirius said, shaking his head at Remus.

"Sirius!" Remus was torn between laughing at Sirius, or swearing at him.

"What? James asked me to. But he's right, you know. Take an afternoon off sometime."  
"Really? Anyway, Sirius, you're more than welcome to come around after we close today so you can get some actual company, but otherwise, I'm working. James, you can tell Peter that he can go whenever he needs, just to let us know when he'll be back."

"You come over to my place on Friday if you like? We have a, well, a book slash movie night. It depends what we feel like. And it generally ends up with us turning on a movie, but ending up just talking," James offered, shooting a sly grin over at Remus, "and yeah, I'll tell Peter. He'll be relieved."

"That sounds nice. But I don't want to intrude," Sirius replied, offering a smile.

"If James had offered, he's not going to let up on it. That's basically how he wrangled Marlene, who you haven't met, into being our friend," Remus said, grinning back at James before softening his expression into a smile that matched Sirius's.

"Well, it'd be an honour, then."

"Well! I'll see you then. I'll send you the address and stuff," James said, before bounding out of the room.

"Yes, he's always that energetic. No, I don't mind you coming on Friday. No, you can't stay here any longer. Yes, you can come after, or I'll see you Friday," Remus said, attempting to answer all Sirius's questions before he could ask them, he could just see Sirius overfilling with questions, he wasn't entirely sure how he knew, but no matter.

"Wow. Thanks. Alright. I'll come Friday, I've got stuff on this evening, sorry. Last couple of questions. Do you want me to pick you up on Friday? Is it really just the bike?"

"Sure, James won't be here, so it'll just be me closing up. Ah, that's a good question," Remus replied, grinning.

"Answer?"

"You'll never know."


	4. A Distraction

"Ready James?" Remus asked, grinning at the other boy.

"All set, Remus. I think we'll make it," James replied, returning the grin and running a hand through his already messy hair.

"I sure hope you're right."  
And with that they both broke into a sprint, sliding around the benches and carrying bags and boxes between them. Skidding out the door with a whoop, James yelled, "Ha ha! I won!"

"Only just!" Remus protested, watching James with his bright eyes and even brighter grin. This was their game. They were his favourite afternoons, when the two of them closed together. Not that he didn't love Dorcas and her bubbly exiting, excited for her afternoon. And Peter's quiet inspection of everything before leaving. And of course, he liked his own way of closing. But there was something about sprinting after James that made him grin wider than he almost ever did. It was only a little thing, but they shared it, and that was enough for Remus.

"So, plans for the afternoon?" James asked, locking the door once he was done celebrating his win. It was always a lucky thing, to win. Remus was taller, with long, lanky legs that let him take bigger steps, but James had always been the sporty one, training as hard and as often as he could, so he had a lot more power, though Remus was surprisingly strong.

"None. Not really. Talk to Peter about his leave. I've got to rearrange the shifts," Remus replied, leading the way down the steps, tilting his head to indicate the same question directed at James.

"I've got none. Lily's not going to be home until late tonight, she's studying so much and tells me I'm a distraction! Can you believe that?" James sounded incredulous, exclaiming over Lily as he matched his step with Remus's, the two walking down the street.

"You? A distraction? Gosh, no, really?"

"Ha. Ha. You're so funny."

"I'm betting Lily would think so," Remus retorted, eyebrows raised, smirk playing on his lips.

"Well, I disagree completely," James replied, sticking his tongue out at the other boy. "Park?" The suggestion hung in the air, Remus biting his lip, eyes raised to the sky, consider the options.

"Yeah, why not," he agreed finally.

Walking together, Remus flinging an arm around James's shoulders, it was easy. It was easy walking with him like this. There'd been a time when all Remus had done was stress that James was going to leave, that James was just going to get tired of him and say goodbye and mean it. But it hadn't happened yet, and they'd know each other for twelve years now. Their mothers had been friends or acquaintances of a sort and as was the habit of mothers with fairly young children, the two of them had been introduced, though never friends until school when they happened to be placed in the same dorm room. And now, after too many years, Remus had realised that there were few things that James would shy away from, and some physical affection wasn't one of them. To be honest, Remus probably could probably hold James's hand and he would snicker, but allow even that. So they walked down the street, crossing roads, and generally making their way to the park without Remus removing his arm from James's shoulders, however awkward it became. Their conversations and the comfort more than making up for the slight awkwardness.

"So, Dorcas's birthday," Remus began, they'd been in the park for a few minutes. Idly conversing about birds and whether or not it was okay to feed them bread.

"Yes, that. Well, you saw the cake. I mean, it'd be hard to miss it. I didn't actually manage to give it away, so it's in my fridge. But other than that, what should we do?"

"I mean, her birthday is a Sunday, the twenty-ninth, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, why don't we do a thing on Saturday, and then the group of us can stay at someone's house the night after all the other guests have gone?"  
"That's a good idea. Also, I was thinking, as far as presents go, she's always wanted to dye her hair. I was talking to Lils about it, and she said dark blue would look nice with the darkness of her skin tone? I've got no clue what the hell any of that means, to be honest, but maybe someone could buy her hair dye?" James suggested, his face scrunching up in confusion as he attempted to remember what exactly it was that Lily had said.

"Why doesn't Lily get it? Considering she's the most likely to know what she needs to get."

"Apparently she's already got everything planned and doesn't want to mess it up."

"Right, okay. Well, I can buy it, if you want, though it was your idea. And I'll obviously do something else as well," Remus replied, rolling his eyes at James. James with his fantastic ideas, but limitations on how they would actually work.

"Awesome!"

"I'm glad you think so. Marlene's back tomorrow, isn't she?"  
"Yeah, she is. Maybe she can take some of Peter's shifts? Maybe you can take a day off?"

"That could be a good idea, to have Marlene, we can probably make it so her and Dorcas's schedules line up. Are you okay for a bit of change in your schedule?" Remus asked, absentmindedly scratching at his neck as his mind filled with possible solutions. So lost in the thinking process he was, James had to clap his hands to get his attention back.

"Sorry James. Just trying to think everything through," Remus said, smiling apologetically at the boy.

"I know. And it's better if you do your thinking now instead of when you're meant to be sleeping. Which seems to happen quite a lot, if you ask me."

"Luckily, no one is asking you. But yes, it is better than that," the snark was real, Remus's tone the perfect embodiment of sarcasm.

"Ah, I love birthdays," James sighed suddenly, a vague look drifting across his face.

"You do?" Remus asked, laughing a little, he knew that James did like birthdays, but what was the sudden sigh for?

"I do, I really do. You get to celebrate the fact that someone else exists! I really like Dorcas, I'm glad she exists."

"Me too, me too."

"And I'm glad that we get to celebrate the fact that she exists," James followed up, still looking pleasantly vague. If they lived in a magical word, Remus would have said that James was enchanted or something. In this world, he'd normally have said that James was drunk, but he'd been with him all day, there'd been no alcohol involved from what he knew, and definitely none recently. So was he really that enraptured with birthdays?

"It's Lily's birthday after Dorcas's. Then it's good old Arthur's. Then it's yours and mine, Moony!" James announced, clearly happy with the amount of birthdays coming up ahead because he positively beamed at Remus, who was struggling to control his laughter.

"Good old Arthur's?" Remus asked, curious as to how James even knew what Arthur's birthday was. Were there plans to celebrate? Remus didn't even know how old he would be, only that it was certainly older than Dorcas and Lily. But if James wanted to go around celebrating everyone's birthday, then Remus wasn't going to stop him.

"Well, maybe not old. But definitely good! Yeah, his birthday is on the ninth of February, I think. Something like that," James replied, still overly excited.

James had always done this, Remus supposed. Memories of sullen nights in the dorm room that had changed to...interesting in the time it took to click his fingers, all because James had thought of something that had made him excited. Peter was always quick to join in, usually procuring something that was similar to whatever James was excited about. Whether it was planning a new prank, or something about Lily. Something about class or just some abstract question that had resulted in far too few hours of sleep. Still, it was a little strange to see, but that didn't stop it being amusing at the very least.

"So, do we need to start planning Lily's birthday as well, then?" Remus asked, a curious smile playing at his lips, his slightly curly, dark brown hair glinting slightly gold in the sunlight.

"Probably, but I need to think about that. She's turning twenty you know, it's got to be special. Maybe she's planning something?"  
"You know, other than Arthur, we're all turning twenty next year, except for Dorcas who is turning twenty this year," Remus pointed out, patting James on the shoulder as if sympathetic.

"Well yeeees," James whined, as if Remus was missing some drastically important point, "But, you know!"  
"What do I know, James? Enlighten me, please."

"It's Lily!"  
"Ah, alright then. Well, yes if you're going to do something because "you know, it's Lily!" then of course you need to think long and hard about that," Remus replied, grinning at the other boy, almost wanting to shake his head. He really was absolutely enraptured by Lily, luckily for him, and everyone else that had to be around him, Lily seemed to be pretty enraptured with him as well. Which made it far easier for the two of them, and spared Remus many a headache. The nights that James had spent keeping Remus up until dawn, talking and talking and talking about Lily were uncountable and Remus fully intended to do the same if he ever fell for someone. Though of course, James had been younger, but that didn't really mean anything, did it?

After a stream of protests from James, met with only sarcastic responses from Remus about Lily, the two had drifted off into companionable silence. Remus had finally let go of the other boy's shoulder and his hands were currently shoved inside his jacket pockets, blissfully glad that he didn't have to suffer the awful pockets of women's clothing. It was a nice day, despite it being freezing. The sky was clear, though the sun had practically set with it being something like half four already. In fact, it was probably after that. Time usually passed rather quickly when Remus was with James, like Lily, he thought of James as quite a distracting person.

Walking through Remus's favourite part of the park, he stopped, just to tilt his head back and look up at the trees. They were bare, with it being winter and all, but they somehow managed to thrive so many so close together that they were so very close to intertwining their branches and with a little bit of imagination, he could almost see them helping each other, not quite touching, but only inches away, supporting each other. And of course, that's not how trees worked, he knew that, but still it was where his mind went every time he looked up at these particular trees. And really, what did it matter that he let his imagination get the best of him sometimes?

"Earth to Moony?"

"I'm here, I'm here. Just look at how amazing these trees are though."

"Pretty amazing, I suppose?"

"More than amazing. Have you ever really looked at them? Have you seen them in the spring? When they've got bright leaves and flowers?"

"I mean, I suppose so. But I don't really remember what exactly they look like."

"In spring, you have to come here and you have to look up and see them properly."

"Alright, I suppose I can do that. We can have a picnic, I guess?"

"They're the best part of the park. But yeah, we should have picnics in the spring. Maybe my birthday, since you're so excited about those at the moment."

"Well, I wouldn't say that being this excited over trees is really much better. At least it's people that I'm excited about."

"Hey! I'm not that excited, I just think you need to see them properly."  
"Alright, alright. If you say so."

"I do."

"Clearly," James replied, laughing. He'd never been one for sarcasm, only jokes and laughter on his end, so naturally, there was no sarcasm to the conversation, only James sounding perplexed and laughing, almost giggling really, at his interpretation of Remus's insanity.

—

"Time to head home?" James asked, looking at his watch.

"Yeah, I'd say so. What's the time?" Remus questioned as a reply. The two had been walking and talking for far longer than he'd expected when they began the walk. It wasn't a bad thing, though Remus had planned to finally go grocery shopping, but that was alright. That could all wait until tomorrow. It wasn't like he was ever going to pass up a chance like this.

"Half five," James replied, grinning at the other boy.

"Half five!" Remus exclaimed. They'd spent some time under the trees, yes, but neither of them were particularly slow walkers, he couldn't conceive how they'd spent so much time just walking. Of course, they'd been talking near continuously, so perhaps that was it? James was looking at him with similar incredulation. How could this have happened? With matching sets of shrugs, they both grinned.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow. You're not coming until afternoon, yeah? Who's opening up?"

"I mean, I wasn't going to, but I think Peter was going to come open with you and of course he'll not be there. Dorcas might be able to, I think she was coming in the morning anyway," James suggested, running his hands through his hair.

"Right, so I really need to get these schedules under control. Yeah, she was coming in the morning, she doesn't like getting there any earlier than she has to though," Remus said, fiddling with the edge of his sleeve.

"Don't stress, it's fine Moony, mate. And she hasn't opened up in weeks and weeks now, you may as well ask. Otherwise, I know you can handle it on your own, but I can come if you want."

"Fine, I'll ask. As for you, you need to enjoy your morning off, so absolutely no coming in. Stick with your habit of turning up just in time."

"Oh you think you're so hilarious."

"No, no, I really don't."

"I wish you did."

"No, no, no, none of this. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, James. Enjoy thinking about birthdays."

"See you, Rem. Enjoy the trees."

—

"Hey Peter, give me a call back when you get this, yeah? Just wanted to make sure everything's as okay as it can be, and yeah, we need to talk about you coming back, no rush, take as much time as you need."

Remus left the message, wishing for once that Peter had picked up the phone. Generally, the mere idea of talking on the phone sent shivers down his spine, but Peter had never been one to convey tone through a text message. It was all too difficult to work out what he was trying to say through writing, so Remus usually called him instead. It was a solution that had taken Remus awhile to work out, but it did work a whole lot better than trying to guess what Peter was trying to say, while attempting to make his own meanings as clear as possible.

_Hello Dorcas, I know you hate this, but would it be possible for you to come open with me tomorrow? Because it was Peter's shift, but clearly, he's not gonna be there. If you can't, don't worry._

He sent the message, biting his lip and tugging at the elastic band around his wrist. He shouldn't have felt guilty, it was a question, it was only a question. But he was getting so fidgety that when he walked over to grab his textbooks, he immediately dropped them. Which was of course followed by Remus's usual stream of swearing that really was quite impressive. Impressive in the most unimpressive way of course. Taking a few deep breaths, he bent down to pick up the books again and picked up his laptop on his way back to his spot on the couch. Opening a textbook, notebook and his laptop, he settled down for a long few hours of studying. His water bottle was next to him and it wasn't likely that he'd move for some time now.

_**Hey Remus! Sorry, I can't actually open with you tomorrow, I promised Marlene that I'd come with her to do some weird sunrise thing-o before I went to work. I'm happy to do any shifts next week, opening, closing, whatever, I'm free all week. Again, sorry mate, I wish I'd thought of that before agreeing. **_

Remus had only been ten minutes into his work and finally getting a rhythm into it, when Dorcas's message came. He grinned a little, wondering what "sunrise thing-o" Marlene had found for the two of them to do. Probably something that she wouldn't approve of Dorcas calling a "thing-o", but that was half the fun, Remus supposed.

_No problem Meadowes. Thanks for letting me know about next week. I'll see you tomorrow._

It would be a peaceful morning then. No one there with him, like he'd planned for Tuesday almost, though he prayed to whatever gods existed, that it wouldn't be quite that much of a mess when he got there. Though anything was a possibility, he supposed. Ah well, that was a matter for tomorrow.


	5. Don't Mess Up The Croissants

Once again, Remus alarm blared. He really needed to change that to something that was a little nicer to wake up to than a continuous blaring, beeping noise. It served its purpose though, not once had it failed to wake Remus up and he was more than glad for that. Being late put him in a state of distress that almost nothing else did, well, you know, except for the random anxiety, but that wasn't something he could remedy with a louder alarm, or being prepared half and hour earlier.

Struggling somewhat to get his limbs out of the tangled mess of sheets and blankets, he contemplated what it would be like to not make his bed for once. A thought that was promptly followed by a shudder and a renewed effort to get up and make the bed. The rest of his room might not have been the most tidy thing ever, but he had decided that as long as he could walk around and find close to everything, then it was fine. But his bed, his bed was one thing that he just couldn't have be a mess, no, no, absolutely not. And in moments, it was made to perfection, his clothes picked up off the floor and he was on his way to a shower.

It was easy to fall back into his routine. It was easy to make sure that everything glided along as smoothly as possible. It was easy to just let his body take over and lead him through the motions of the morning. It was easy, it was easy to not think, to just let it go and follow. But what wasn't easy, was to remind himself that the ease — which it was — wasn't just him dissociating. He knew, he knew that it wasn't, and he knew that it made things easier when he _was_ dissociating, but still, he found himself stopping and taking a minute to breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe. That was all he had to do, just for a moment, just breathe. "You're here," he whispered, running his hands across the counter.

"You're here," he whispered, feeling the knitted fabric of his jumper.

"You're here," he whispered, reaching out for the chair.

And he was okay. He was here and okay.

It only took minutes, but still, he wished that he didn't have to do it. It wasn't every morning, and for that, he was glad. But it was often, and he wished that it wasn't. It was okay though, it was okay, he told himself. It was just something he'd have to work on when he had the time. When things settled down, when he worked out how to balance the bakery a little more, when he worked out how to manage the pain a little better, then he could take the time and work out what he was going to do with this damned anxiety, but for now he'd just have to remember to breathe. Just remember to breathe. That was all, that was all.

And once again, he was out the door and walking to the bus stop in time to be there for ten to four. And once again, he knew that there was no chance of the bus getting there on time, but that was alright. It was all alright. It would be a quiet morning and he could get to work with no distractions, only the bakery and the lists of what to make. Maybe this time it would go a little smoother, and while he didn't have any massive orders like last time, there was always plenty to do.

The bus came and he walked on, exchanging his regular smile with the tea lady in front of him. She was holding her purple keep cup again and Remus wondered what she'd do if he asked what was in it. Probably look at him as if had gone insane. Truly though, if Remus ever did that, it couldn't be far from the truth. Little more than smiles were ever given from him on public transport. Other than "good morning" "thank you," "sorry" and the occasional "excuse me, sorry", he tried to limit his talking as much as possible. So yes, he probably had gone mad if he ever asked Tea Lady what was in her cup.

Ten steps away from the bakery and it didn't look as if anyone was in there, much to Remus's relief. Not that he didn't love having people open with him, but no one had planned to come in and he really didn't feel like dealing with another day like Tuesday in the same week. As he stepped to unlock the door, he was greeted with the most unexpected turn of events he possibly could have thought of. Well, maybe he wouldn't go so far as to say that, but it was fairly close.

There was no mess, but there were three parcels sitting at the door. But what was more concerning, and possibly less intriguing, was the fact that Sirius was standing there. Leaning ever so casually against the door, cigarette in hand, in all his glory, Sirius was standing in the doorway of the bakery. A few seconds of simply staring between the man and the parcels passed before Remus just shook his head and pushed past both things with a muttered sorry, and unlocked the door. Quickly he reached down to pick up the packages before holding the door open for Sirius, a sharp movement of the head making it known that he should come in. He was eyeing the cigarette in Sirius's hand, but whether it was because he wanted one of his own or for Sirius to put his out, he didn't quite know.

"Come for the food?" he asked, looking curiously at the rather bright, rather sparkly, very yellow feather boa that Sirius had wrapped around his neck.

"Only for you, Remus dearest," Sirius replied, smirking all the while.

"Still not found a place to stay?"

"Oh no, that's taken care of. Don't you worry your beanie clad head about that."

"What are you here for, then?" Remus asked, rolling his eyes at the man, really not sure if he should be as amused as he was. He barely knew anything about this man, and yet he seemed to be seeing and awful lot of him recently.

"Well, you seemed to be in a bit of a state yesterd—"

"Oh lord no, come on Sirius."

"Come on Sirius? Darling, just wait 'til I finish, alright?"  
"Alright, sorry," he apologised, he was genuinely sorry, but if Sirius was turning up at the bakery at 4:30 in the morning just because Remus had been "in a state" yesterday, then this was going too far.

"Of course you're sorry. Anyway, Dorcas messaged me. She was wondering what my plans were for today, and if I still needed a job for a while or not."

"Did she now? And what how did you end up here then?"

"You seem like a smart lad, Remus."

"I'm always quick to decline that, so why don't you continue?" still far too amused, but now curious, he'd known that Sirius needed a job. He'd even considered asking him if he wanted to work at the bakery, but he didn't really look as if he were someone with a whole lot of experience on the baking side of things, or really, on the whole working side of things.

"I told her I had nothing planned, and no, not desperately at least. I've found a job at a local bookstore starting next week. I'm pretty sure they were just so desperate that they didn't care that I've pitifully never worked properly before. And so she asked if perhaps I could come here because you'd be all alone until about 8:00. To which I replied with, "of course!" Can't have you alone here for three and a half hours, can I?"

"Oh you definitely could have. I would not have minded one bit."

"Well, too bad."

"I can see that."

Rapidly this morning was going further and further down a path that Remus didn't know what to do with. At least when it was everyone else here early, making a mess, he knew them, but really he didn't know anything about Sirius. He didn't even know the other man's surname.

"Well, come on then. If you're going to stay, do you know how to bake?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised, hoping the answer was yes, fully expected a no.

"To some extent, yes," Sirius replied, absentmindedly playing with the ends of the boa.

"You do? Anything in particular?" Remus was a little shocked, Sirius couldn't have been much older than him and unless he was incredibly wrong, he didn't really look like someone who had been required to learn how to cook from a young age, maybe his parents were actually invested in teaching him the essentials to survive, but somehow, Remus had noticed that there were a lot of parents who didn't think to teach their children how to cook, let alone bake. And often, people wouldn't think of boys learning how, not when they had mothers around.

"French?"

"French? You know how to bake French pastries? Or French food?"

"Both, I suppose. Not as good as you, but I know enough that I'd be quick to learn," Sirius replied, seemingly certain in his ability to learn.  
"Right, well, right —" Remus clasped and unclasped his hands a few times, momentarily unsure how to continue from there, " —well, that's great. You can definitely help then."

"I'm glad."

Still in shock, but glad nonetheless, Remus unlocked and opened the doors to the kitchen, turning on the lights as he walked inside. The benches were clean, as were all the utensils and trays. Everything ready for another morning of work, one that had admittedly been put behind a little by the arrival of Sirius, but really, nothing had changed. Everything was ready to go. There was batter that had been refrigerated and there was pastry in the freezer, ready to take out and thaw for them to bake the pastries fresh. It was a way of keeping the bakery that Remus had had to search for, and it had taken some time to work out how to make sure everything was baked fresh without them all being there all night every night. Luckily, they'd worked it out after countless meetings and now although they were still there early, they got some sleep at least.

"Don't you need more people working here?" Sirius asked, watching as Remus began bringing bowls and trays and all sorts of containers out of the fridges and freezers, followed by fruits, flours, eggs, and all sorts of other things.

"Not really. Sometimes I think it might be easier, but then again we all know how each person works and so there's little to no drama about who's doing what, or who needs what space and what days off," Remus replied, leaning back against the wall, smiling over at Sirius, who despite his certainty that he could learn, looked very out of place in all his leather and feathers.

"I suppose that makes sense. Do you bake everything fresh each day?"

"Pretty much. We prepare the batter, dough and pastry sheets beforehand, but everything is baked fresh. Leftover food is either taken home or we give it to homeless shelters. Sometimes we'll take it 'round the parks and the stations and give it out," Remus explained, taking off his many extra layers, the bakery got warm very quickly when the ovens were in use.

"That's pretty amazing. And you're here everyday from crazy hours to crazy hours?"

"No, not at all really. We close at 4:00, I generally get here at 4:30 in the morning. It's not even twelve hours. I've heard of people working eighteen hour days at their bakeries. I mean, I probably would, but I think James might murder me if I tried."

"Fuck, Remus, I'd help him."  
"I'm sure he'd appreciate that," Remus replied, smiling at Sirius. James would be happy to know that someone else thought the same of such a long day. He'd mentioned it in passing to Dorcas, who'd said maybe once in awhile it could be alright, Peter had only laughed, Remus hadn't known quite how to respond to that.

Minutes passed in silence, Remus cutting and slicing fruit, chopping and dicing vegetables. When people thought of bakeries, they thought sweet, and for the most part they were right, but The Marauders, or rather everyone who worked there, but Peter, had decided that they needed savoury as well. So just on the other side of the counter, there was a smaller glass case, identical to the one on the other side in all but size, filled with savoury pastries, pies and sandwiches. It was a good decision for the most part, but Remus knew that Peter always smiled that little bit more when every fortnight, they checked the sales and saw that sweet sold better than savoury, even if only by a little.

"So, do you want help?" Sirius asked, sounding more hesitant than Remus had heard since Tuesday morning when he had snapped.

"I'm so sorry for just leaving you in silence. I didn't, um, forget you were there I just, uh, I just got caught up in the work I guess. Sorry, sorry."

"It's okay. Is there anything I can help with though?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. You'll need…" he drifted off, looking at Sirius's current attire, feather boa and all. "You'll need to take the boa off, and your jacket too, we've got aprons. Roll your sleeves up, wash your hands. You'll need to tie your hair back as well. There should be spare hair ties underneath the sink, Dorcas won't mind."

"You mean you don't want yellow feathers in everything? Don't worry, they're fake. Also, I'm not touching meat, just so you know."

"It could be a new special, you think? Meat? What meat would we have? Did you read the signs out the front? It's all vegetarian here, James has been vegetarian all his life with his parents being very religious Hindus. But I've been a vegetarian since I was a teenager, and Dorcas's girlfriend is vegan. So we offer a large amount of vegan and gluten free options as well."

"Oh, that's great! No, I didn't read any signs, not even the day I came in during actual hours. Nice to meet fellow vegetarians though."

"Well, you should learn something about the actual bakery then. Not from me though. I've got work to do. And you say you can bake French. Have you made croissants before?"

"Not from you? That's unfortunate."  
"I'm sure," Remus replied dryly. "If you haven't made croissants, you can start on baking some muffins and cupcakes, but I thought you might like something a little more interesting.

"I've made croissants. Chocolate ones too," Sirius confirmed, grinning over at Remus as he washed his hands.

"Great. Well, you can make both then. You'll need about twenty of each, but you'll need to put them in the oven separately, because although there are four ovens, there's a lot to bake. The pastry here, next to me. This is Dorcas's bench, I think she'll mind the least if you mess it up a little."

"Alright. Sounds good."

The time passed in companionable silence, or at least for the most part. Every so often one of them would make a comment over something. Usually they'd laugh, though sometimes it prompted a conversation. That was how Remus found out that Sirius spoke French as well as baked it, and that he painted. He also found out that Sirius had a different laugh when he laughed at something he wasn't expecting to. He also seemed to be particularly adept at multitasking, talking fluently to Remus all the while he was rolling and folding croissants. In a similar way, Remus supposed Sirius now knew more about him. He knew that Remus had always wanted to learn another language, but instead settled with studying English lit, and that he sketched, rather than wrote, though perhaps he'd like to write as well. Nothing very important, nothing major was shared, but it was nice all the same.

"I knew you'd answer me when I offered you something boring instead," Remus said, once the last of the danishes and donuts were made, smirking slightly.

"I don't think that's fair. Look, I'm not making croissants now," Sirius protested, motioning toward the pies that he was currently filling.

"That's true, but I also see that you conveniently waited until I'd filled the muffin and cupcake tins. Though we won't put the muffins in yet, the cupcakes are practically done," Remus retorted, laughing a little.

"No, no, I was paying very careful attention so I wouldn't mess up the croissants," Sirius replied, but he was grinning now too.

"Uh huh, I'm sure, I'm sure."

"Be quiet, you."

—

It was almost 8:00 and Remus was surprisingly pleased with how everything had gone. Biscuits and bread were already out in the bakery. Pastries and cakes would come next, followed by the savoury stuff and then finally the cheesecakes that were luckily able to stay in the fridge for a day, because it meant that they were made by Dorcas rather than Remus, and while he was good with pastries, well, they'd all decided it was best to leave the cheesecakes up to her.

"Ready to bring your prized croissants out then?"

"Sure am."

"That was the least posh thing I've heard you say. But go on then, I'll follow with the cupcakes that you neglected."

"Hey!"

"Just get on with it," Remus laughed, shaking his head at the man who'd sure enough turned around to stick his tongue out at Remus and almost run into the door.

"Don't crush those croissants!"

"Yes, sir!" Was the all too sarcastic reply that followed.

It had been good, working with Sirius. He wasn't quite as delicate with the pastries as Remus would have liked, but he made a fair croissant and he could certainly fill pies and pasties. And he whipped up sandwiches neatly and quickly. Remus had almost taught him how to make Choux à la Crème, and that in itself was a surprise. Remus didn't often make them, but he tried to have a two different things rotating each week. So this week he'd had them for half and mixed berry scones for the other half, of course they regularly had scones, but more often they were plain rather than fruit filled. But even if you didn't add into account the Choux à la Crème, Sirius had still been helpful, and he'd still been nice to spend time with. He found himself almost wishing that Sirius _had _needed a job, as they walked in and out of the kitchen, setting everything up, making everything sit perfectly for the day to come.

"Thank you for helping, Sirius," Remus said once they'd both set everything out and Remus had opened the curtains. Everything ready for another day.

"No problem, Remus. It was fun," Sirius replied, grinning at Remus from his position leaning against the kitchen door.

"Really though, thank you. I don't know if Dorcas said anything about paying you? But you just worked basically an entire shift. So, if you hold on a minute, I can get you some money."

"Remus, it's all good, I don't need it. I honestly don't. I know you're going to protest, but you should know that my uncle recently left me some money, more than some, a large sum, one could even say. So it's fine. I just wanted a job so I could have a steady income of sorts. And I'm sure you've worked it out, I don't really like planning things, so I haven't worked out where I want to rent or buy or anything which is why I'm with my cousin at the moment."

"Sirius, it's not fair if you don't get paid, you just did a whole heap of work."

"You can't afford any more employees, can you?" Sirius asked, twisting his hands around his hair.

"Sirius," Remus warned. He hated the subject of money, he always had. His parents had struggled with it, which meant that Remus with all his illnesses and then them finding out just how not-straight he was, only made things more difficult.

"Keep your money, I'll take some food instead, alright? One of your famed danishes, Kingsley seems fond of them, we went to school together, he always seemed to be clever."

"He's in school to be a lawyer, so I'd assume so," Remus replied, his voice still more guarded than usual, he wasn't angry, but he wished that it could be an easier topic for him, and for the bakery. It didn't help that clearly Sirius had come from a well-off family, probably one like James's.

"Well, I'll take one of those when I leave, alright?"

"Fine. But you'll take two, or I'm paying you."

"Deal."

—

"Hello Remus! Sirius! Has anyone been in yet? I wouldn't be surprised, it's freezing out there, as in, actually freezing. It's zero degrees," Dorcas announced as she walked in, already stripping off her scarf and gloves, heading towards the kitchen.

"Hey Dorcas, I hope we do get some customers soon. We even had the help of Sirius today, which I've been told you were involved with?"  
"Uh, yes, yes , I suppose I was a little involved."

"A little! You asked me!" Sirius exclaimed, looking accusingly at Dorcas, "she asked me," he repeated, looking towards Remus.

"Well, you were quick to jump to it, weren't you? But yes, I asked you, so no need to look at me as if I've betrayed you," Dorcas replied, eyebrows raised as she pushed open the kitchen doors.

Remus and Sirius only watched the kitchen door as she disappeared, not entirely certain on what to do.

"Dorcas! She did come in here, didn't she?"

"Marlene? Why are you here? Why didn't you come in with Dorcas?" Remus asked, looking between the blonde girl and the kitchen before putting his head in his hands which was met with a laugh from both Marlene and Sirius.

"She sped off without me, I think she was a little cold. But hello Remus, how are you?" she asked as she walked over and wrapped her arms around Remus, pulling him in for a tight hug.

"Oh, you must be Sirius, yes?"

"Indeed. And you are Dorcas's girlfriend."

"Indeed," she laughed, leaning over to hug Sirius as well.

"Why did you come in though?" Remus asked, curiosity still burning in his mind.

"Oh, didn't Dorcas tell you? We went out together this morning and so I decided I'd drop her off before going into work," she replied, looking fondly over at the kitchen, as if she could somehow see Dorcas through it.

"She did tell me, sorry I forgot. Do you want anything before you go?"

"I'll grab a muffin and then I'll find Dorcas before leaving, thanks Remus," she replied, fishing a handful of coins out of her coat pocket. "£2.30, right?"

"Yeah. Thanks," Remus replied, placing the muffin in a paper bag and holding it out to Marlene, accepting the money with a smile.

"No problem. Well, I'll just find Dorcas, then I'll be off. See you."  
"Bye Marl."

"See you Marlene, it was good to meet you!" Sirius called out, grinning at the other girl's wave.

It wasn't long before customers started to flow in, in fact, Marlene hadn't even left before the first came. Soon enough, Remus had whisked Sirius back into the kitchen and was handling orders as quickly as he possibly could. Making coffees quick, but precise, attempting to imitate Peter's perfect skill. He was certain that he hadn't done it as well, but hopefully it would be up to some sort of standard at least. Pastries were being bought quickly, along with warm drinks. Some people stayed and sat at one of the tables, talking quietly with their partner or friend, some people left, smiles on their lips that didn't always meet their eyes, stuffing pastries into bags roughly enough that Remus winced, but clutching their morning coffee so carefully that Remus almost forgave them. Few children came in, those who did were in uniforms either looking bright and ready for the morning, backpacks larger than them, coats almost longer or they looked tired as if they'd do anything not to go, bags under their eyes, shoulders slumped forwards and a visible fidgeting that children never should have to deal with. Teenagers came in occasionally, some laughing loudly with friends, almost making Remus flinch away with their brash voices and careless gestures, who knew what they were thinking, a previously quiet bakery with a man at the counter who was both nervous and heavily scarred. Some of the teens that came in were fine though, they came with quieter groups of friends, or sometimes they came alone, they smiled and said thank you, some slipping the money on the counter with ease, others fumbling and shaking as they handed it over.

Mornings were a busy time and Remus never quite knew what to expect. Some mornings, things would be quiet and The Marauders would only get customers that were regulars, other mornings, mornings like this one, things were packed. There were so many people that Remus was in a giddy thrill with it all, or at least, he called it a thrill, hoping that it didn't turn to panic. He liked it when it was quiet and the atmosphere was there, when he could play music and he could pop into the kitchen every so often. Marlene had left now, but Dorcas was at the coffee machine and he was serving the pastries, or putting them in bags for people to take away. For these first few hours there wasn't enough time to even think about baking more.

—

It was getting later, perhaps about 1:30, late enough that things were calm, yet not late enough that everyone was rushing here after school, or before the school pickup. Lunch wasn't a particularly busy time, just busy enough that it was important to have everything stocked. A few people came for lunch, more came to buy things for the afternoon. Of course there were the occasional kids who probably skipped school and decided they wanted to come in, but then again, maybe they were allowed to. James never had been a good influence, so more often than not, it would be them that had skipped school just for food, or for something equally ridiculous. It was around this time when the most crying customers usually came in, Remus supposed that it was because things were quiet around here at the time, a bakery with nice music and good food, that sounded like a safe place, right?

James had arrive hours ago, and Sirius had left shortly after. Remus was in the kitchen now, preparing a set of pastries for an order that he'd give to Dorcas to take with her, since Marlene was able to pick her up and it was on their way anyway. James was out in the shop, probably accidentally flirting with all the customers, women and men alike, except no one but Remus and Dorcas knew that the only person he'd ever really wanted to flirt with was Lily. James probably would have been horrified if he knew what the other customers thought, what a few of them had come up to Remus to tell him about James. Remus had thought that possibly it would be better to keep that quiet. He could only imagine what it'd be like if Sirius did work there. He'd already seen at least five people watching him as he walked in from the kitchen to come to talk to Remus, Remus had of course, quickly answered his question before sending him back to the kitchen or out he door with a hurried, "sorry, sorry, I'm so, so sorry." To be honest, Remus didn't know why Sirius had stayed so long, he'd expected him to leave as soon as Dorcas arrived, or at least much before 11:00 which is when Sirius did leave. Remus still maintained his initial analysis, it was nice working with Sirius, it was really, really easy actually, and that was surprising. That was the reason that Remus couldn't seem to get the morning out of his head, it wasn't because Sirius had forgotten his yellow boa and Remus remembered in far too much detail exactly where it draped across his shoulders, no, it was definitely because them working together was smoother than Remus had anticipated. That was all.

—

"Hallo Remus, what are you doing this afternoon?" Lily asked as she waltzed into the shop, clearly looking for James.

"He's in the kitchen, cleaning up some spilt batter. Dorcas has already gone. I'm just cleaning up here because we just closed," he replied, bringing his hand up as a half wave, half salute as greeting, "Obviously," he added, realising that of course Lily knew what time they closed, she'd been dating James for the better part of the bakery being open. And it really was the best part because before she'd said yes, there'd been many tears on James's part about "maybe I've ruined my chances forever, Rem. What will I do then? What will I do then?" And Remus was rather glad that the two of them had sorted things out.

"Obviously. But what are you doing this afternoon, Rem?"

"Coursework, I would say. Hopefully I can do all the stuff that I'd normally do on the weekend today so I'm not in such a rush to get home on Saturday," he replied, smiling at the woman, she'd always been so kind, she really had.

"Your man's coming, isn't he? Tomorrow night?"

"My man?"  
"Sirius?"

"Lily!"

"What?"

"He's not mine. Alright?" he managed to say, though his tone was a little harsher than he meant it to be, _it was just a surprise, it was just a surprise, _"Sorry. He's not my anything though. But yes, Sirius is coming."

"I'm glad, he'll be right fun to have, I'm sure."  
"Oh, I'm sure he will be," Remus confirmed, half afraid of what havoc Sirius was going to bring and he was just glad that it wasn't going to be at his house.

"Mhm. Well, I think you should go home now, I'll help James with the rest, you look exhausted."

"I'm not ex—"

"Remus, it's all done in there. Ready to go? And take this, this feathery thing with you. I assume it's Sirius's?" James said from the doorway of the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Yes, it's Sirius's, yes, I'll take it home. See you tomorrow, guys," he replied, taking the boa from James and waving a goodbye to the two of them. It was only a bus trip and some coursework to do before he could relax. That was alright. It had been an alright day. No, it had been a good day, the pain wasn't too bad, he'd managed not to take any painkillers. That was a start. It was all a start.


	6. Come To Take You Away On My Noble Steed

Authors Notes: Just want to say thank you to Luna White for being the first person to review! Also, sorry for not updating at all, really. I've been spending a lot of time writing though, and you're about to have a whole bunch of chapters thrown at you.

* * *

The pain was getting worse and worse in his right shoulder, but Remus knew there was nothing he could do about it. The only thing to do was to take painkillers and he really, really hated doing that. So he just attempted to write the essay he had been putting off since last week. He really did need to get a move on with it, it was due next Monday after all. He'd started at the very least. He had some form of an outline, some form of planning in place. He always told people that the planning was what made it, that the rest would just write itself. And for the most part, he was right, but right now, it seemed that he was very, very wrong.

Maybe it was the throbbing in his shoulder, maybe it was the fact that he was almost falling asleep as he wrote, or maybe it was just that he couldn't get it to work. He honestly wasn't sure. He honestly didn't care. He just wanted it to work so he could go to bed. That's all he wanted, just to go to bed. There wasn't anything else he needed except to get this essay finished. Then everything except the reading would be finished and he could relax for the weekend. He wasn't going to be home tomorrow, he had to get this finished. He had to get this finished.

He groaned and leant back in his chair, tipping it so he was balancing on the back two legs. Safe, yes of course. Because it'd be a great idea to be injured on top of the near consistent pain he was in. Yes, yes, that sounded like a great idea. At least it'd be less mentally painful. Maybe. He was good at making things mentally painful, or so he was told.

No, no, he would focus on the essay. He would not get caught up thinking about anything else, anything at all. Just essay. Only essay. Must complete the essay.

—

The essay was finally close to being complete, only about two more pages to go and he'd finish that on Sunday when he could look over the essay and make sure he covered everything he needed to in the conclusion. Now, now he could finally sleep and eat and breathe properly. It was amazing how much lighter he felt after writing that, but despite the lightness, it had only added to the exhaustion. So there he was, exhausted, but light. It made so much sense, so, so much sense.

He only hoped that he made more sense than that in the essay or he'd end up sounding like when James wrote an essay a couple of years ago, he had been sleep deprived and mentally exhausted. There had been a lot going on in his life and it didn't help that he despised the topic, but that was no excuse for how badly written the essay was. Remus had had to restrain himself from personally rewriting the entire thing it was so bad. Normally Remus had attempted to prolong the time between when James asked if he could help — also called giving him all the notes, letting him cheat, or rewriting some of his work — and the time when Remus gave in and said yes, but when James had shown him that particular essay and asked for help Remus had almost jumped at the chance to help.

But that had been a one time thing and he was so, so very glad that it had never happened again. And he was sure his essay was better than that one, but it would be so very nice if as soon as submitted it, he could snap his fingers and there would be his grade. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to work like that so instead he got busy making himself a peanut butter sandwich because it turned out that despite having a bakery full of food, all there was in his apartment was bread, peanut butter, potatoes, apples, orange juice, soy milk and tea. Oh, and chocolate, there was always chocolate. It probably wasn't the best lot of food to have, but he'd made worse work before. There'd been many weeks before where he'd lived off the bakery items that were going stale that he brought home and tea. So at least he had food other than bread, pastries and cakes. That was always a bonus.

Taking his sandwich with him, he climbed into bed, having long ago changed out of the pants he wore to work and into pajamas. He'd just spent hours on an essay, he'd wanted to be comfortable, never mind that it was only 5:00. But now it was eight and he really didn't see much of a reason to be awake other than to eat his peanut butter sandwich and read, so that's exactly what he did.

He refused to do the course reading after writing an essay so instead turned to To Kill A Mockingbird as he so often did. Not exactly an _easy_ read, but a common one and as such, it was comfortable to go back and reread. He had a small pile of books like that, or rather two. Books that were so ingrained in his memory that he could reread them comfortably when he needed to read easily. There were maybe, eight, ten, books in the piles, all loved and brought with him wherever he moved. Some, like To Kill A Mockingbird, he'd had for years and years now, since he was a child. Then there were books like They Both Die At The End which had only been written a year or so ago, and that was nothing like To Kill A Mockingbird, and it was an easy read, it was just another YA book that had caught his eye, mostly because he'd seen a review for it on a LGBTQ website and while he hadn't actively been searching it out, it sounded interesting and so when he did see it, he was at the counter and paying for it. Some of the books had joined the pile almost immediately after he'd read them for the first time, some he'd waited until he'd read them three or four times. He wasn't exactly sure when he'd decided to make the pile, yes, it really was a pile, not a shelf. For two reasons. One, he had no bookshelf space left. And two, when you desperately needed something comforting to read, a pile next to your bed and a pile next to the couch was so much easier.

So he drifted back into the story, slowly forgetting about the stress that had been all consuming a little while ago. He knew he'd fall asleep soon, but that was the best way to fall asleep, wasn't it? To fall asleep while reading, there was something nice about it. You never had to worry about missing something or forgetting something like he so often did when he randomly fell asleep places, because you could wake up and see exactly what you were doing.

Eventually, he did fall asleep, his arms falling onto his chest, hands still holding the book. His golden-brown hair fell across his face and he didn't notice when the front door was unlocked and someone came in, knocking things over in their effort to be quiet, no, he was asleep now and nothing would wake him until his alarm in the morning.

Not even the dream that he wished he could wake up from. He'd been walking down the street in his dream when suddenly, there was everyone he was ever friends with, everyone he'd ever cared for, everyone he'd ever loved, whether platonically or romantically, they were all there. The people he loved now, the people he had loved. Dream Remus waved and called out, but not one person returned the wave or responded with words. He was either ignored or met with cold stares. Nothing, nothing showing any signs that maybe they ever loved him, maybe they didn't, but surely even if they didn't, they would be so cold? Dream Remus was confused and a little hurt, why weren't they hearing him. He walked over to someone, maybe they just didn't hear him. "Hello," he said, but they just ignored him, reading their book. He tried with someone else, but they only continued their conversation. Everything was so colourful, it seemed so alive, so incredible, but Dream Remus wasn't. He wasn't colourful, maybe he wasn't even alive. He looked down at his hands for a minute and if this had been anything other than a dream, he would've been confused. He was grey, and not in a sick way. In an old movie way. As were his clothes. He was grey. He was in black and white. Black and white amongst all these bright, colourful people. How did that happen?

—

The alarm went off long after Remus was awake. He'd been up for hours, though still hours after his dream. At least it wasn't a nightmare, he told himself, grimacing at his reflection in the mirror and pulling on a coat over his jumper and shirts. If he was up now, he may as well go to the bakery. The apartment was freezing, Remus hadn't even been into the living room/kitchen yet and that was where the heater was, and so nothing was warm. That was the thing about having such a small apartment, there was only one heater which was meant to warm the whole place up. Unfortunately, it was a rather shitty heater and so it barely made the air around it warm, but it took the chill off the place once Remus actually turned it on. But he hadn't turned it on because he had decided to take advantage over the fact that he had so much time and so had a shower that was at least ten minutes longer than usual. It was going to mean awful things for his bills, but it was one thing, and he clearly wasn't buying a whole heap of food so he'd manage.

It was 3:00 and he'd decided to catch the earlier bus rather than the one he usually did. Perhaps this bus driver would be on time and get to the bus stop at 3:10 like the timetable said, but who knew. Perhaps the bus that Remus usually caught was the 3:10 bus and he was even later than he'd thought, but he doubted that. Surely, surely he would get fired for that. He supposed he didn't really know, he didn't really know how the whole working as a bus driver thing went and he was rather glad about that. He didn't much fancy that as a job, though he had been considering getting another job, Sirius hadn't been wrong, he couldn't afford to pay another employee. It was one of the few secrets he had kept from James, obviously he'd kept it from Peter and Dorcas too, paying them enough, occassionally more than enough, but it wasn't rare that he put his own money back towards the bakery, it was his business after all, he did have to keep it running.

Lily kept offering to do the bookkeeping and the accounting, but he didn't want to put the pressure on her to keep the secret from James, and again, they couldn't really afford to hire her. He wanted to though, he hadn't all the accounting stuff, he absolutely despised it and it took up far more of his time than he would've liked, but that was the only thing he could do for now. Hopefully it would be sooner rather than later that he could accept her offer, but he couldn't now, he just couldn't.

The bus trip to the bakery was much the same at 3:10 as is was at 3:55, except for the fact that it was on time and there was no Tea Lady. Actually, there wasn't anyone except a drunk girl with another girl who was most definitely sober and smelt of coffee. There was the possibility that they were girlfriends, though they could also just be very touchy-feely, as Sirius would say. Other than them, the bus was empty and for the most part there was no one at the bus stops, the people who were there waved the bus on, clearly waiting for a different bus, though Remus didn't know how they could stand it, it was freezing.

Remus's guess about the two girls being girlfriends was proven correct when the sober one placed a small kiss on the drunk girl's lips as her girlfriend lay down on her lap. It was all quite sweet really, and it reminded Remus quite a lot of Dorcas and Marlene, though he couldn't quite make up his mind who would be which girl. He supposed it depended on the situation. He'd seen them both drunk, separately and together, he just hoped they weren't on too many buses at 3:20 in the morning while drunk. It wasn't generally advised.

—

It was dark. It was really, really fucking dark in the bakery without lights on. Of course it would be dark, it was 3:45AM and even in summer it wouldn't be light at that time, though it'd certainly be lighter than this pitch black room. It wasn't as if Remus didn't like the dark, it was just something to be aware of. Surely everyone was just that little bit more alert when it was dark because who knew what you could bump into, or who you could find. It was a bit of a mystery, but not in a good way, though not necessarily bad either. Either way, he needed to turn the lights on.

He made certain that he wasn't going to run into anything on the way to the light switch. When he did make it, he flicked the switch and squinted for a couple of minutes while he adjusted to the light again. He grinned once he finally did adjust to the light, there was going to be some actual time for him to get to work alone today. It seemed that his working alone time kept being interrupted. And while Sirius was surprisingly adept at baking and willing to learn which was always a helpful thing, it was good to have some time to work alone as well. He enjoyed working with the others, he enjoyed working with them very much otherwise they wouldn't be working at his bakery and he liked working with Sirius too, surprisingly enough, but he was glad that he got to be in the bakery alone.

The next hour was spent with the sleeves of his grey shirt rolled up and delicate pastry. He'd decided that he'd use the morning to make doughnuts and madeleines. The doughnuts were simply something they made every second day, but the madeleines were inspired by Sirius's French cooking, Remus supposed. Remus had always loved French pastries and desserts, but many were rather difficult to make, and rather time consuming as well. So while they were all in the beginning of working out how to operate a bakery, he'd stuck to the simpler things he knew they could make incredibly. That was where James's beautiful icing came in. Peter's perfect biscuits. Dorcas's amazing cheesecakes and bread. And Remus, well, he wasn't really sure what was so spectacular about his own work, but he enjoyed making pastries and he'd had positive feedback from friends and strangers alike, so that was something. Now that he knew a little more about how to run this thing, how much ingredients cost and all that, he wanted to begin to get in regular rotating menus and work on slowly adding more and more impressive pastries, he didn't particularly care if he had to work 18 hour days, he enjoyed it.

He was completely lost in baking when James came into the kitchen. He was busy making scrolls and croissants now, possibly he'd made too many scrolls, but that was alright, there were always plenty of options for leftovers. They never threw out food if they could help it, and generally they could help it. With both trays of scrolls in the oven, there wasn't really any room for the croissants, but that was alright.

"Morning, Rem," James said, his tone bright as always.

"Oh hello, James. Is it that time already?"

"Well, I'm here, so yes, I'd say so. How long have you been here?" James asked, his expression a mixture of concern and curiosity as he shrugged off his jacket.

"Since about 3:30. I woke up early and decided I'd just come here. It'll be a productive morning," Remus replied, wondering if he could do any of the bookwork in this space of morning, possibly.

"God Remus, do you ever sleep?"

"Yes, of course. I went to bed at something like 9:30 last night. That's really quite early," he protested, continuing the conversation though he'd turned away to begin on the danishes, knowing James wouldn't mind.

"That's what? Four hours of sleep?"

I mean, normally I wake up at 3:00. So that's not too bad. What time do you go to sleep?" Remus asked, curious to see if the man who had once partied until ungodly hours actually went to sleep earlier than him now.

"I don't work this early everyday, you made sure that we all had even days, well almost even, someone comes in three times a week once every three weeks. You need more sleep than you get. You also need more time off than you get, I'm going to work out a way for you to get more time off. So, on the nights before those days, I go to sleep around 9:00, 9:30. It drives Lily crazy sometimes."

"Well, that schedule is going to change now that Peter's gone for who knows how long. Speaking of, we need to talk about who's going to make which things, I think it would make it a lot easier to have an actual list with it. And what would drive Lily even more crazy is sleep-deprived James so I'm glad you go to sleep so early."

"Oh yes, she'd definitely be driven crazy by that," James replied, chuckling a little. "Alright, well I'll get a move on with this considering you're already so far ahead."

"You do that."

The conversation was near constant, mostly from James, but Remus enjoyed listening. He'd always enjoyed listening which was likely the reason he had friends that were who they were. Very talkative, to say the least. With James's close to incessant talking and the multitudes of baking they were doing, the next three hours passed quickly and productively. James with his cakes, cupcakes, icing both them and the biscuits. Combined, the two of them made the breads and savoury pies, pasties and sandwiches. Remus finished off his danishes, croissants, madeleines and doughnuts. Everything was productive, which was mildly shocking, though Remus was brought back to the times of James and his pranks, the ones he got really serious about. The elaborate pranks that James spent hours on, plotting, drawing up plans. He had held bloody meetings for some of the pranks. It was what made James such a good baker, Remus knew, the fact that when he wanted to do something, he wanted it to be perfect.

And perfect it was. Quarter to eight and both boys were slowly bringing everything out from the kitchen and into the shop. Not for the first time, Remus was blown away by James's icing, the sheer glory of it, when it wasn't even for an order. Remus couldn't quite understand how he could bear to cut into it and serve it to people, but then again, what a waste not to eat it. He'd tried James's cakes many a time and since he was sixteen, there hadn't been one that wasn't amazing. There had been a few incidents during the first few years James had started to bake. They'd been eleven when James had attempted fancy icing, which had worked surprisingly well for a clumsy eleven year old, but in the process, he seemed to have forgotten about the actual cake and how that tasted. But, as James protested, it was aesthetically pleasing and that was half the fun. Remus and Peter had denied that thought until they'd drunk bottles and bottles of water, but that was alright, they were eleven and it was far more fun to make a mess in the kitchen than to worry about whether or not it tasted any good.

Soon everything was in its place, ready for the day. Tables set, counter clean, curtains pulled back, pastries, cakes, desserts, pies, pasties, breads and multitudes of other baked goods were set out and at 8:00 they were open and ready for the day. Dorcas would come that afternoon, and until then they would juggle both the baking and the actual customers. It was significantly easier to juggle days like today now than it was six months ago. Which had ended with a lack of pastries and a lot of people. Needless to say, they'd all agreed that they needed to sort it out sooner rather than later. And they did, though it took a few more attempts.

As was the custom, Kingsley came in for his coffee and danish. Something a little further from custom was the line of people in suits that followed him in. It wasn't as if they didn't often have people come in on their way to work, but this was an extraordinarily large line of people. In fact, Remus had counted as he was bound to do. Ten, there were ten of them. They were all chatting in loud, business-like tones, but clearly looking around the place as well. Remus had seen none of them before, and by the half covered shock on James's face, he hadn't either. A part of Remus wondered if they had actually followed Kingsley here, who looked very professional in his own suit. Perhaps that was a thing that business-people did, follow the first person you can find in a suit, they'll lead you to a good coffee shop. The thought was ridiculous, but entertaining at the least.

It was a busy next ten minutes. James taking orders and plating up food, Remus standing by the coffee machine and attempting to make coffees both quickly and well. Both were still shocked over the fact they had so many people in the shop at once, there was only a single table left as everyone sat down. It appeared that they came in pairs or groups of three and four. It seemed that they didn't all know each other, but no one came alone. Not even Kingsley who had only ever come in alone before. While a little daunting and a bit shocking, it was a good sort of shocking. Nothing wrong with having people come in. In fact, that was the aim of it all.

Normally, Remus had some form of conversation with Kingsley. They were friendly, if not friends. But clearly that wasn't going to happen today so he used the time between orders to plan the rest of the day. He enjoyed doing that, planning things, even when he knew there was no possible chance things would ever go to plan. It did mean that he did have a plan if somehow he needed one. But with James's "adventures", there wasn't a whole lot of time for planning, but that was alright. It was a long time ago that he had learnt to cope without plans. Thanks to James.

But today was Friday which mean that there was actually some form of plan that everyone followed. Those influenced by James and those who had escaped for just long enough alike all followed the same, or a similar plan. It was a simple enough plan, and one that had proven to be adaptable time and time again. All it consisted of was James, Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, usually Peter and of course Remus all finishing work at separate times and then meeting at James's house at some point in the evening. There wasn't much of a plan from there, though they'd all attempted to create one, including James.

Remus snapped out of his daze of thoughts when someone came up to order and Remus turned to find James, only to realise that he was no longer there. And speaking of timing, of course the customer that had stepped up to look at the pastries was exactly who Remus did not want to see. Of course, of course he couldn't just have the day. Just the one day. No, no of course not. Remus was almost bitter, why had he expected anything else?

"Can I help you?" he asked, his voice low, but his tone holding a certain power to it. He didn't dare look up, hoping, hoping that he wouldn't recognise him.

"Four of the chocolate doughnuts. Take away, thanks," came the reply, and Remus barely contained the shudder as the man handed over the money.

"Of course." He took the money, placing in the till before placing the doughnuts in a box, thankful that he knew where everything was enough that he didn't need to look up and around for anything. Handing the box over to the man he gave a quick nod and a "thank you", before sighing in relief when the man walked away in the brisk manner Remus knew so well. That casual briskness that Remus had always wanted to replicate, but only managed as a sort of hurried limp.

The next hour was a blur, a blur of customers, of pastries, of coffee. Of people's conversations, of laughter, of music. Of words half heard and automatic motions. Of orders taken and written down, of eyes scanning and finding, of the processes that he knew so well coming back so easily. James came back at some point and resumed his place at the till, allowing Remus to fade back into the mechanics of the coffee machine, the simple process of packing things up for people to take away.

Slowly the blur eased back into something Remus could grasp and see and feel again. It was a relief, when he could consciously carry out the actions that he'd previously been doing on autopilot. It was a relief when James spoke to him and he could continue the conversation further than a nod or a brittle yes or no. It was slowly gaining control and it was relieving. He wasn't all too sure of the time, but it must have been an hour at least, maybe more. Which meant it was something like 9:30, maybe a little later. Dorcas would be there in half an hour and then both she and James would leave at 3:00. It was a short day for Dorcas, but it wasn't often like that. She'd asked to leave early today weeks ago, and Remus had been more than happy to oblige. She was a hard worker, they all were. It was important that they had the opportunity to balance work and life. It was important that they took care of themselves, Remus was only too happy to help.

—

4:00 and the day was almost complete. It had been consistently busy all day and so very helpful when Dorcas had arrived, one of them in the kitchen baking at all times, often two of them. There hadn't been a day so busy in awhile now, and Remus had forgotten how exhausting they could be. It was worth it though. It would make the purchase of next week's ingredients so much easier. Mentally at least. He always paid everyone first, then they worked out what they could buy. Often what they planned to bake the next week linked arm in arm with what they had earned that week, so every extra sale was important. Remus didn't often tell them, because he suspected that he'd never hear the end of it, but he waited until everything had been sorted out to accept his own pay, but maybe this week he could do it in the order that James would have commanded him to.

Cleaning up was easy, it always was. Wiping down tables didn't take long, and stacking things up was simple. The kitchen was kept mostly clean except for a few dishes which didn't take huge amounts of time. Putting away ingredients was simple. It was all going well and easy when Remus heard the door swing open. Immediately he set down the bag of flour he had been holding.

"Who's there?" he called out, he knew he voice was deep and mildly threatening, or so he'd been told. He'd been thankful for that fact ever since Lily had told him and James and Peter had confirmed. He lived alone and not in a great part of town, a threatening voice was helpful, especially considering in all his jumpers he didn't look particularly threatening.

"It is I, Sirius. Come to take you away on my noble steed, her name is Motorbike," Sirius announced, gesturing grandly, grinning all the while.

"Hello Sirius. How are you?" Remus asked, rolling his eyes at the man, attempting to disguise his relief that it was Sirius as he let himself sink back onto the bench a little.

"That, darling, is a stupid question to ask. How are you?"

"Are we playing that game, are we? _Darling?_," Remus asked, laughing a little, his eyes bright.

"It is a stupid question!"

"Alright then. How's the motorbike? I bet you would talk about that for hours."

"Of course I'd talk about her for hours, but don't we need to get going?"

"No one particularly cares what time we get there, but sure, why not? Did you bring stuff to stay the night?" Remus asked, wondering just how far James's invitation had extended.

"No, no I didn't. I didn't realise you all slept there? He did send me the address though, and instructions on how to get there, which I was very relieved by, I might add," Sirius replied, and he did look relieved that James had included instructions.

"I could have instructed you, but yes, trust James's directions first. He has a strangely good sense of direction for someone who pays little to no attention."

"I'm glad I'm listening to someone who's good at giving directions, but let's go now. I refuse to be late for the first official movie, book, talking, sleeping night that I've been invited to. I do expect to be invited to the rest."

"Ah, well you see, that all depends on how this first one goes. So let's see if you pass the test."

"If I got through school and aced all the exams, I can pass this test. I'm sure of it."

"If you say so. Let's find out."


	7. Gays Can't Sit On Chairs Properly

"Greetings my friends!" James exclaimed, throwing the door open for Remus and Sirius. He was dressed in a suit now, accessorised with the tallest top hat imaginable, gloves and a cane. "Remus, you're not dressed!"

"I am dressed, I don't often go around naked. But, I wasn't aware that today was the night we were dressing up so fancily?" Remus replied, eyebrows raised at James's outfit.

"Oh no! Did I not tell the two of you? That's alright, I've got another suit, don't ask. Uh, Sirius can wear something, I'm sure. You should see Lily, she's really gone all out. Marls and Meadowes aren't here yet. I assume Peter isn't coming?" James asked, sentences running onto each other, talking even faster than usual.

"James, how much sugar have you had? This is getting out of hand now. We'll find something for Sirius I'm sure. Now, can we come in?" Remus asked, stepping towards James who had one hand on each side of the doorframe.

"Oh yes, sure."

"Thanks."

"Is this what he's like after sugar?" Sirius stage whispered, turning to look back at James who was positively buzzing.

"Coffee's even worse, but it'll wear off eventually. Now, we've got to find something to wear. I refuse to let Lily and James beat us in costume tonight."

"Do you always come wearing costumes?"  
"No. Rarely ever do, actually. But when we do, it's spectacular. Often, James and Lils will do something together and the same with Marlene and Dorcas, which means Pete and I do something together. It's stupid, but fun and I can't believe James forgot to tell me," Remus explained, leading Sirius through the lounge room and into a hallway. He paused briefly in front of a room and called out a short, "Hello Lily, we're here. We might need clothes." The only response he received was a laugh and an "okay".

"See, we'll sort out clothing somehow. You're shorter than I am, so that could be interesting, but oh well," Remus said, stopping in front of another room, this time opening the door.

"Surely, surely this isn't James's room? He doesn't strike me as a neat room person," Sirius said, following Remus in and turning full circle, inspecting the room.

"No, it's not his room. It's the guest room. No, he's not a neat room person." Remus almost choked at the thought of James being a neat room person, it was close to impossible to imagine. "Lily is though, and being who they are, they share a room. So that leads to some amusing, er, conversations."

"Oh, I see," Sirius replied, his grin matching Remus's own.

"If you're lucky, you'll be able to witness some incredible conversations tonight."  
"I'm sure I will. It's seemed rather amusing already."

"Gosh, you'd better be prepared for a whole lot more then. That's not even the beginning. It's barely even the prologue. Just wait until Lily tries to cook."

"Lily can't cook?"

"Neither can James, really, nothing that's not pastry or icing related. He tried to make some intricate pasta dish that was, well, not great. The pasta he made though, from scratch and all, that was good. It was just the rest of it."

"That is interesting."

"Indeed. Now, come on. Let's find some clothes. James's suits and stuff should be in here."

—

Twenty minutes later, after much running from room to room on Remus's part, and much laughter on Sirius's part, the two emerged from the guest room, dressed to a ridiculous standard, albeit an impressive one. Remus was wearing a three piece suit, another top hat, which he'd have to ask James about, why did one own so many top hats? He was wearing a tie and he had the most ridiculously shiny dress shoes. Again, he'd have to ask James why he had those.

Sirius had ended up with an option between yet another pair of dress pants that James owned, or a pair of white ones that a friend had given Lily, which were not at all Lily's size. Sirius, being the extravagant man he was, chose the white ones, a decision that Remus didn't doubt for a minute, watching Sirius's excitement when he brought them in. He was wearing a grey shirt of James's and a white jacket of Lily's. Both of them had flowers in their buttonholes and both looked as if they were planning on meeting the Queen.

Sirius had reverted back to his posh-sounding voice, darling and dear in every sentence, and that was only between the two of them. Remus was equally curious and afraid of what exactly Sirius was going to do when they went to see the others. Remus had been commanded to use the word _discern_ as much as possible by Sirius, who it seemed still found it amusing. Remus had just rolled his eyes and said, "maybe". Which of course meant yes, and he knew that Sirius knew it, but he was just going to pretend that he didn't give in quite that easily. He'd not even known the man for a week, he couldn't let him on all his weaknesses just yet.

"Are you ready yet!" James called out from the lounge room, in a childishly impatient tone.

"We're coming now. Don't pretend that you didn't take an hour to get ready," Remus called back, grabbing Sirius's wrist to pull him away from his own reflection, determinedly ignoring the missed heart beat as his hand closed around skin rather than jacket, as he hoped for.

"Well, at least I was ready before guests got here!"

"Are Marlene and Dorcas even here yet?"

"That's beside the point!"

"I really don't think it is," Remus said, lowering his voice as they entered the lounge room.

James's eyes went wide as the two of them walked into the room, dressed as elaborately as they were. "No wonder you took so long! Is that Lily's jacket?"

"It is. Did she not tell you? Where is she?"

"No, she most certainly didn't. She's in the kitchen. Cooking, possibly?"

"You're letting her cook already? Really? That's a new record, I'm sure."

"She said she's got tonight handled."

"She always says that."

"I refuse to doubt her."  
"Oh good, that's always a good plan. So when the apartment burns down, I can blame you?"

"Is she really likely to burn the apartment down?" Sirius asked, amusement and something like excitement in his eyes. He'd been looking back and forth between James and Remus, grinning at the sheer ridiculousness of the conversation.

"No, she's not," James said at the same time as Remus replied with, "Yes, absolutely."

"Excuse me! You know I can hear you Remus!" Lily shouted from the kitchen.

"Yes, I know Lily darling, but I also know that you agree with me," Remus replied, walking over to the kitchen door, leaning ever so slightly into the doorframe.

"Hush child, this time it'll work out," she scolded, sticking her tongue out at Remus from where she stood at the stove.

"I'm not even two months younger than you. James is the youngest here, though if she's coming, Marlene will be."

"Still, you're younger and therefore I can call you child. Especially, especially if I insult you. But hey, Sirius!" she called out.

"Yes, Lily?" Sirius replied, taking no more than two seconds to appear behind Remus, looking expectantly at the redheaded girl.

"How old are you and when is your birthday?" she asked, looking just as expectantly at him.

"I'm twenty. The third of November is my birthday. Older than darling Remus here, and by the sounds of it, everyone else," he replied, smirking at Remus who just groaned.

"You are. Dorcas turns twenty on the twenty-ninth. Congratulations on being the oldest member of this party. You've successfully made it through the longest life," Lily announced, grinning at Sirius's smirk. "James! We have a new eldest person!" she shouted. If he hadn't known her for so long, Remus would have thought that she would have a perpetually sore throat, from the amount of shouting from room to room she did. It used to drive him a little insane, particularly when they were all living together, but he'd become used to it now. You didn't really have a choice when it came to Lily. You either took her or left her, there was close to no in between. Sure, she had her faults, but there wasn't anything that majorly needed changing, so Remus was more than happy to take all of her, even if it did come with a bit of extra shouting.

"Sirius! Are you older than Dorcas?" James asked, bounding into the spot between the kitchen and the wall, which really was getting too small for three people, but that was alright. Remus just hoped that Sirius didn't have a thing about being close to people, because they'd definitely need to sort something out if that was the case.

"It appears that I am. Unless of course, your beautiful Lily lied to me. But yes, I turned twenty on the third of November. I'm assuming the rest of you turn twenty some time next year?"

"Yeah, we do. Remus and I have birthdays in March, Lily's in January, Marlene's is August and Peter's is June. So many birthdays, I've got to get planning."

"Yes, we know you like birthdays, James. But, this is a question that relates a little more directly to tonight, in fact, it's about tonight. What do you have planned for us, dear Jamesy? If we've all got costumes on — and I should add, Lily you look marvelous — you must have something planned, I know you," Remus questioned, curious to what on earth James could have planned that required them to dress up so very fancily.

"Well, nothing really, but we need to get to know Sirius here, so we definitely need to interrogate him in some form or the other. I wanted to go outside and see how many people looked at us strangely, but Lily insisted it was too cold. It's still an option though," James replied, looking up at Remus hopefully.

"It's pretty cold out there, but you know what you would love? Sirius's motorbike."

"Yes! We should go for a ride, I bet we'd get stranger looks if we went somewhere on a motorbike dressed like this than if we just walked around," Sirius agreed, grinning at James, looking very much like a puppy that had just been told he was going on a walk.

"Can I trust you to not crash into anything?" James asked, looking intrigued, but cautious, as if he wanted to do it, but wasn't entirely certain if it was safe.

"Of course! I drove Remus here, didn't I? And we took the pastries AND I brought him back safely. Is that enough proof for you?" Sirius asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"I suppose so. Though Remus is surprisingly a lot more trusting of people he's only known for a few days than I am," James replied, though he was grinning and clearly thought that that was indeed enough proof for him.

"You were the one who invited me here. So that's all on you," Sirius pointed out, though turned to grin at Remus before turning to look at James again.

"Well, boys why don't you go to get take out, because as much as I hate to admit it, Remus was right, it wasn't a good idea to let me cook," Lily announced, stepping out of the kitchen to collapse on the couch, looking utterly defeated.

"Oh Lils, you said it'd be good tonight," James laughed a little, before shrugging and nodding to Sirius, "alright mate, how do you feel about that?"

"As long as Lily's not dying on the couch, that sounds fine. You'll need to take off that top hat though, and put a helmet on," Sirius replied.  
"She's not dying, this is standard. Yes, I suppose that's a bit safer. Well, let's go then. See you guys, text me if the girls get here," James said, waving a quick goodbye to Remus and Lily before following Sirius out the door.

Sitting down next to Lily, Remus let out a breath as soon as he heard the door close. He leant back into the arm rest, curling his legs up into him, closing his eyes, knowing that Lily wouldn't mind. It was weird having Sirius there with the three of them. It wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all, but it was weird. They'd all been friends for such a long time, it was weird having someone new with them. But it was weirder that he didn't seem out of place at all. It was weird that nothing seemed off, it was weird that he'd just slotted into their lives like he'd always been there. It was great, it really was. Remus liked him a lot, possibly...too much, but what was going to happen if Sirius turned out to be someone that wasn't as great as he appeared now? What would they do, what would he do, if they became good, proper friends and then after months, or years, or whatever, Sirius turned out to be the type of person you absolutely didn't want to slot neatly into your life. What if it was all a ploy?

"Remus. What are you thinking about?" Lily asked, her voice soft and soothing, though he wished it wasn't. Remus could feel the couch move beneath him which meant she was sitting up after however many minutes of just flopping there, surely it had been half an hour at least.

"Nothing important, really," Remus replied, his eyes were still closed, he refused to look at Lily, he refused to see her bright green eyes full of kindness and concern, he refused to look at the expression that they both knew would get him to give up almost any information, almost.

"You're lying, Remus. Come on, please?"

"It's nothing, really," he insisted, slowly opening his eyes, hoping that if he looked at her, she'd believe him.

"I know that's not the truth, but if you really don't want to tell me, that's okay. You don't have to, not at all, but I'd like it if you did. Don't put more on yourself than you already do," she replied, smiling gently at Remus, he could hear in her tone that she wanted to help, so he'd try. He'd try tell her, but how could she help? What would it matter?

"Fine, Lily. I was thinking about Sirius, and how he fits into this whole thing really easily, and is that not a little concerning? I don't want him to end up being awful, but I can't help but wonder if he will be. What if this is all fake? I really do think he's brilliant, he seems talented, weirdly kind, he's amusing and he's helpful. He's been nothing but lovely, and he's seen me frustrated. He really would be great to have in our little group, but what if he ends up being none of those things? I'd really, really hate to be wrong about letting him into this."

"Oh Rem, is this because of —"

"No! Lily, no. Just, no. Please let's not even talk about that, any of that, alright? This is about Sirius and only Sirius. Okay?"

"It would be fair enough if it was because of him, you know. It would be okay as well. Of course it's going to impact things now," Lily said, her voice an unspoken promise, he knew that she was trying to help, and he knew that she was right, but he wished he were a platypus or something and could just close up his ears. He didn't want to listen to it, he knew she was right, he knew it, but that didn't mean that it didn't make his stomach curl at the very though. It didn't mean that he didn't tense up at the very thought.

"But Lily, Sirius is just a friend, and he's nothing like that. Or do you think he is? Do you think he could be?"

"No, I don't think he's like that at all. But Remus, answer this honestly, are your thoughts toward Sirius only platonic?"

"I, I guess so. Sure. Yeah. I'd say so," Remus replied, desperately trying not to stutter over his words, "Yes. I mean yes! Absolutely!"

"Oh Rem—"

"We're back!" James called out as he swung open the door, carrying plastic bags full of food. "And Marlene and Dorcas are finally here too!"

"I'll talk to you later, okay Rem," Lily promised in a low voice, barely loud enough for Remus to hear. "Hello! Oh wow, you've really outdone yourselves with the costumes, haven't you? Sorry, I tried to cook again, it was a bad idea, so we've got whatever James and Sirius brought back. Indian, I'm guessing by the smell."

"Hey, Marlene, Dorcas. How are you?" Remus asked, standing up to give both women a hug, knowing that he might as well, there'd be hugs going 'round either way.

"You saw me today, Remus, you don't need to ask how I am," Dorcas said, laughing a little as she reached around to give him a hug. Both women were wearing the most extravagant hoop skirt dresses Remus could imagine, he had no idea how they managed to get through the door, he had no idea where they managed to find them on what was probably a day or two's worth of notice. They really had outdone themselves and looked particularly smug about it too.

"Alright then, but how do you sit down?" he asked, gesturing to the masses of material.

"Very carefully and with a lot of room," Marlene replied, grinning at Remus, clearly excited.

"I see. Well, it's a good thing we host these nights in James and Lily's apartment rather than mine."

"That is a very good point," Dorcas agreed, smiling at her girlfriend's obvious excitement.

"Shall we then?" James asked, he'd somehow managed to slip past both girls and lay out all the food, of which there really was an excessive amount. Excessive food, excessive outfits, it was going to be a brilliant night.

"We shall!" Came the chorus of replies and in minutes they all had bowls piled with food. James sitting on the couch next to Lily, who was being very careful not to spill anything on her magnificently gold dress. Marlene had managed to sit on the armchair that was her particular favourite, one she usually shared with Dorcas, but with the dresses on, that wasn't quite manageable, so Dorcas was sitting on the chair that was on the other side of the couch. Both Remus and Sirius were sprawled on the floor, Remus amazed with the fact that Sirius still hadn't managed to spill anything on his incredibly white outfit. It really was impressive, or at least that's what Remus thought, perhaps it wasn't all that impressive.

—

Over food, they'd all shared many, many tales of varying proportions of insanity. James had shared the entire tale of his courting Lily, or rather of him being an idiot and Lily eventually accepting when he grew up a bit. Or rather, a lot. Lily had spoken about all the pranks that James, Remus and Peter had spent hours on, and the pranks that Lily, Marlene and Dorcas had returned with. All in all, they explained that their school was a place of many pranks and only slightly fewer detentions. Marlene had told them all that she'd actually had the two dresses they were wearing for years and years, they were her great-grandmother's or something and she thought what better use? Dorcas felt the need to tell Sirius all about Remus's chocolate obsession, something which Remus was unabashedly unashamed of, though he did cover his face with his hands when Dorcas recounted the rage Remus had been in when they'd all stolen his stash. They'd all found out a fair amount about Sirius too; his favourite band was Queen, but he'd listen to almost anything with good lyrics and a good beat. The first reason he'd grown out his hair was to frustrate his parents, but he was thinking about cutting it now, to which Remus rather wanted to protest to. They'd found out that black irises were his favourite flowers. He'd found out that Sirius played with his hair a lot, but not in the way James used to, no, it wasn't meant to make his look "cool", he couldn't quite work out if it was just a habit, or if it was something he used to calm himself down, but it was rather mesmerising. He'd found out that Sirius's eyes quite literally lit up when he was excited, but were quick to dull down if something even remotely upsetting came up. He'd found out that Sirius would have fit in with James, Peter and himself perfectly at school, their mischief making probably would have been even more impressive than it was.

Facts had been shared around by everyone, as well as all the questions that were asked as James started bringing out the alcohol. Stupid questions that ranged from everyone being asked "what's your favourite colour?" and "books or movies?" to "if every person in the room was hanging over a cliff and you could only save one, who would you save?" and "what's your darkest, not deepest, but darkest secret?". They'd all been answered with varying amounts of laughter and varying amounts of truth.

Marlene and James had said that red was their favourite colour. Dorcas had said blue. Lily had said green. Remus said he couldn't choose, but maybe burgundy. Sirius had laughed and replied with "rainbow, of course!"

Everyone had agreed that books were better than movies, but movies were good when you didn't have any energy.

James said that he would save Lily, Lily had said that she'd find a way to save them all, though her actual response was, "I'm not letting a fucking question tell me who I can save, I'll save you all!" Marlene and Dorcas had rolled their eyes before grudgingly saying they'd save each other. Remus and Sirius had immediately replied with "I'd jump".

James's darkest secret was apparently that he'd secretly stolen before, to which everyone told him that they all knew that so it wasn't a very good secret. Marlene and Lily had shrugged their shoulders and shaken their heads, promising that if they thought of anything, they'd let them know. Dorcas had said that she'd cut all of her sister's hair off one time, but blamed it on her brother. Remus just shook his head, and that was that. Sirius, Sirius had declared that he had far too many dark secrets to choose just one, to which everyone laughed at except for Remus who just wondered if he was telling the truth or not.

The night passed like that for the most part, a movie was turned on at some point, though Remus wasn't really sure which one it was. The time passed with questions, both stupid and serious. It passed with clashing senses of humour, Marlene and James with their brash jokes and loud laughter. Lily, Dorcas and Remus with sarcastic comments and Remus with little moments of dark humour. Sirius's humour jumped everywhere, from puns on his own name, to insisting Remus must be a werewolf with a name like Remus Lupin, to conversations where he discussed murder, to pointing at something in the movie and declaring "that's me". The more the night went on, the more comfortable everything was, and Remus knew that it wasn't because of the food and the alcohol. It was comfortable, but just for now, just for now, Remus was going to go with the comfort, rather than doubting it. It was only one night. Only one night.

It was just past midnight when Marlene started to fall asleep, she always was the first one, and so with much difficulty in making their way around everything in such large dresses, both Marlene and Dorcas retreated to the guest room, almost making it without knocking anything over. With armchairs free now, Remus lay sideways on one of them, and at James's confused look he insisted that "gays couldn't sit on chairs properly, surely you know this by now?" Which had Sirius laughing madly, but nodding in agreement all the while.

It was peaceful, they'd not drunk enough to be considered drunk, which was good, because no one needed a drunk James right now. But it also meant that they could talk like normal people, and so they did. They spoken about all topics imaginable. From the week, to literature, to art, to birds, to snow, to electronic devices. The conversation didn't often lull, but it certainly wasn't forced. They were all just friends, participating in their weekly ritual, which wasn't really so much of a ritual considering they didn't ever follow the same pattern. But it was ritualistic all the same. It was two-thirty in the morning now, and both James and Lily had fallen asleep on the couch. Usually, they managed to get to bed before falling asleep, but it wasn't rare that they fell asleep on the couch.

With a soft smile, and a "come if you want" directed in Sirius's direction, Remus stepped onto the rather large balcony and lit a cigarette. It was something that Lily despised, so Remus rarely smoked when she was around, but both James and Lily had agreed that if he really did want to smoke, he could, just not inside the house. So, there he was, on the balcony, thankful for the multiple layers that went into his costume, jumpers didn't exactly match, but he had every intention of putting one on if it was too cold.

Within seconds, Sirius was standing out there with him, looking relaxed and possibly more peaceful than Remus had seen him since they met. "I didn't think you'd be a cigarette person."

"No one does, but there you go. You're learning about me too."

"Oh, I think I learnt a lot about you, Mr. Werewolf."

"Did you now? I'm a hundred percent certain that I learnt more about you."

"I doubt that very much."

"I see."

"Did you know that after every joke about death you make, you bite your bottom lip?"

"I didn't know that. But did you know that my lip is pierced, which is probably why I do that."

"You what?" Sirius asked, hand over heart, looking shocked. "I need a cigarette myself, now," he continued, taking a cigarette out of the box and lighting it. Shaking his head as he put it to his lips. "Scandalous, Mr. Werewolf."

"Hey! They're mine!" Remus protested, half laughing as Sirius raised his eyebrows, taking a drag. "And yes, people tend to be shocked about that too. I'll wear it next time I see you."  
"Is that a promise?"

"It could be a threat?"

"Well, that's no way to convince me to come see you again."

"I'm certain you prefer the threat to the promise, Sir Black. But who said you'd be coming to see me? Maybe I'll come find you."

"Pfft, you don't know where I live, but I know where you live, where you work and where your best friend lives. That leaves you at a very large disadvantage."

"True, true. But I have your number and you don't have mine? Also, various spies."

"Since when do you have my number?"  
"Since I asked James to give it to me."  
"That, Mr. Werewolf, is just plain rude."

"Well then, there's another fact for you, I'm surprisingly rude," he smirked, taking another drag of the cigarette.

"I don't believe that. I bet you're the type of person to apologise about the littlest things."

"I refuse to talk about my apologising habits. I bet you're the type of person to pretend that you think you're so great, but really, you just don't know what to do when someone compliments you."

"Hush child. AND I'm older than Lily, so I really can call you child."

"Well, you're certainly not mature enough to be calling anyone a child."

"You really do enjoy insulting people, don't you, darling? What are the plans for the rest of the night then?"  
"Anything. Everything. Nothing."

"Ah, so you're an English Lit student then."

"Rude. But yes. And basically, there are no plans."

"I figured that."

"Intelligent and good looking. Goodness Sir Black, whatever will all the young maidens think?"  
"Nothing, hopefully."

"Gay?"

"Indeed. You too?"

"Pan."

"Out?"

Remus smiled half heartedly, what was the answer to that? In a way, yes. In others, no. "To the people here tonight."

"Peter? Your parents?"

"And yourself?" Remus asked, hoping the lack of a response was enough of an answer for him.

"Guess why I'm homeless now," Sirius replied, putting out his cigarette on the balcony railing, eyes glassy as he sighed.

"I'm sorry."  
"They were shit anyway."  
"Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Remus stepped closer, wrapping his arms around the other man and pulling him into a hug, ignoring the fact that his heart was pounding far too quickly.  
"Wish it didn't though."

"Me too."

They stayed like that for awhile, wrapped in each others arms. It should have been weird, but it wasn't. They stayed there, breathing in each other's scent, taking in the other's pain. Soft words were murmured by both of them. Remus gently running his hand through Sirius's hair, Sirius softly leaning further into Remus the longer they stayed there. It should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn't. Remus was warmer than any of his many jumpers had ever been able to keep him. Neither boy noticed when James and Lily stood up off the couch and stood, staring at the two of them for a minute before shaking their heads and walking off to their bedroom. Neither boy really cared when one or the other pulled them down to the single chair on the balcony, and neither boy complained when they squished on it together and sat up, looking out into the night, neither boy moved away and neither boy made any mention of going back inside. They were there, and they were comfortable. Even if it shouldn't have been.


	8. Do You Have All The Hundred Pound Notes?

Remus woke up on the balcony alone, he was surprised to find that he wasn't shivering. In fact, he'd been covered by multitudes of blankets and there was a note underneath a keep cup that read "Here's a coffee, black, I presume? If you wake up and see this, stay put, no getting up for you, alright? — Sirius"

Remus almost laughed, and he certainly grinned, wondering what the plan could be. He hoped that whatever it was, it didn't take too long because it was a little strange just sitting there, waiting in anticipation for whatever Sirius had planned. Though really, after such a strange night, a strange morning was in order.

He wasn't entirely certain how they had both fit comfortably enough on the chair to sleep there, but clearly they had managed, and managed well because Remus felt strangely well rested. He often didn't feel rested after sleeping in his own bed, he nearly never felt particularly rested after sleeping in someone else's bed. He never would have picked sleeping in a chair on a balcony with a man he barely knew to be one of the places he'd have good sleep. But regardless, he was going to take it. He might as well, it wasn't like he could change what happened now anyway, he just hope that Sirius would hurry up so he could find out what was going on.

He carefully took a sip of the coffee, pleased when he realised it was the perfect temperature. He didn't know what was going to go wrong, but it was bound to be something because this was far, far too perfect for there not to be a catch somewhere. Surely, surely there'd be something that went wrong, just to balance the whole thing out. Maybe not though. Maybe not. And that was his hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe, there'd be good today without any balancing act of bad.

"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, bounding onto the balcony, two plates of food in hand, eyes lit up.

"Good morning, Sirius. What's the time?"

"Not stressing about getting things done, are you?"

"No, not today. Today the bakery's shut and I don't have to much else. But what is the time?"  
"7:30, or just about. I figured you'd be an early riser, with the bakery and all, so here's some breakfast. I figured James wouldn't mind too much, but I can replace it if he wants."

"He won't care, neither will Lily, don't worry. I didn't even think they'd have all this stuff here," Remus replied, slightly shocked that either James or Lily had bought such a variety of mushrooms as well as spinach.

"I went out to buy some of the mushrooms. But to my surprise, they had some, they also had the spinach and the beans. I assume the bread is from the bakery? It really is very nice bread," Sirius explained, handing over a plate to Remus, procuring cutlery from his pocket. He was still dressed in the clothes from last night, again, Remus was entirely sure how they'd managed to get comfortable in suits, but they'd seemed to do pretty well.

"It's Dorcas's bread, yeah. Thank you for this, by the way, you didn't have to. Are the others still sleeping?"

"Well, there were various noises coming from James and Lily's room, so I figured it was best not to call out to them." Sirius smirked, leaning back against the railing before continuing, "But there was nothing from Dorcas and Marlene, I presume they're sleeping."

"Oh god, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, I've heard, and seen a lot worse."

"Oh Jesus, Sirius."

"What? Haven't you?"

"I mean, yeah, but you haven't even known them a week!"

"I went on an exchange program when I was fifteen. Stayed at some random place with a bunch of people from my school who'd I'd practically never spoken to before and walked in on them."

"That would've been, uh, awful?"

"I mean, it was more amusing than anything, I suppose. For me at least, it might have killed their mood a little, I guess."

"I'm shuddering just thinking about it."

"Really defying the stereotype that bisexuals and pansexuals are obsessed with sex, aren't you?"

"I don't like stereotypes."

"I should think not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't like stereotypes either, don't worry."

"I don't understand you, Sirius," Remus said, shaking his head at the other man.

"That's the point."

"I'm sure it is."

—

"Where did you get enough food to put on the big plates?" came James's voice from the doorway of the balcony. His hair was even more of a mess than usual, and despite the cold air and his lack of a shirt, he stepped onto the balcony.

"Sirius went out to buy mushrooms. And apparently you had spinach and beans? I'm in shock," Remus replied, a single eyebrow raised.

"Why didn't the rest of us get any?"

"From what I heard, you and Lily seemed rather occupied, darling. I thought it'd be best not to come knock on your door," Sirius replied, a glint of something that could only be called mischief in his eye.

"Oh."

"I'm sure Sirius has thoroughly enjoyed his first few days knowing us."

"We haven't been that bad! Have we, Sirius?" James asked, sounded mildly concerned. He always had been a bit of a mother hen, even when he hadn't known Remus properly, and Remus didn't suppose that was going to change anytime soon.

"Hm, let's see…" Sirius mock-contemplated, tapping his finger against his chin and Remus decided it was utterly unfair that someone could look that good in a suit they had slept in, outside, in the cold, without having a shower or anything. "No, you haven't been that bad. Though, it's been the most entertainment I've had in ages."

"I told you!" James exclaimed, grinning at Remus, scrunching his nose up at the other boy.

"I would tell you it was because Sirius was too polite to say anything, but I'm not entirely sure that's true."

"Again, I feel I have to state that you really do enjoy insulting people. Is he always like this?" Sirius asked James, a smile playing against his lips.

"Oh definitely. He's particularly good at insulting people without them realising until a few moments later, when by that time it's too late to say anything. It's brilliant. He was great at school."

"Oh, I bet he was."

They continued along that path for awhile, going between Remus's sarcastic comments, Sirius's mocking and laughing, and James's god-awful puns and dad jokes. All three boys feeling easy and Remus might almost say happy. It was a happy moment. He was glad Sirius had fit so seamlessly into the group, though he still doubted whether they should really trust him or not. But what else was there to do when he was there, flinging his arm around you and making you truly laugh? What else could he do except trust him. He couldn't very well force himself not to like the other man, though he almost wished he could. It was just so comfortable that he couldn't stop himself from imagining what awful thing was going to happen to balance it out. They'd slept in the same — admittedly large — chair. Surely that just screamed "TOO COMFORTABLE". But he still found himself grinning and enjoying the banter the three of them were having and not quite soon enough, but soon enough that he was surprised when he thought of it later, he found himself forgetting about his worries just for a little while and just giving into the enjoyment of everything.

It was cold and it wasn't showing any signs of getting warmer. In fact, it was only going to get colder, though when Remus first moved to London, he'd been shocked at how little snow there was. He had come from a small Welsh town, where it snowed heavily and often. But still, it was cold in London, there was no denying that, though many people seemed to. They had been talking for about an hour, and despite the fact that Sirius had once again squished into the chair with him, he was getting far too cold for it to be comfortable.

"Right, I'm getting cold now. So, I'm going to get changed into something warmer, and have a shower. In the opposite order. Are the others awake yet?"

"Lily is, uh, obviously. I think Marlene and Dorcas are too."

"Well, I'd hope that Lily is awake," Sirius commented with a smug sort of grin before continuing, "are you asking me to join you, dear Remus?"

"I absolutely am not, Sirius," Remus replied, flushing bright red. He'd neglected to share a particular piece of information when they'd had their "coming out session" last night. He really should have mentioned it, but he just wasn't quite as comfortable. It was much easier to just tell someone that you were pan. Which was saying something, really, because often it wasn't particularly lovely coming out as pan. It certainly hadn't been for him. But that wasn't what he was going to focus on today. No. He refused. Today was going to be a good day with his friends.

"Good day. Good day. Good day," he whispered to himself as he rummaged around in his bag for the clothes he had packed for today. He was determined to not let himself fall into the anxiety. He was capable of enjoying himself, he knew that. He'd enjoyed himself last night, and this morning, he had proven he could do it, he just needed to be able to do it again. Hopefully a shower would help with that. Or at the very least, it would warm him up which was always a bonus.

—

"What's going on with you and Sirius?" Lily asked as Remus walked into the living room, hanging up the suit he wore the night before. He hadn't exactly expected to be interrogated today, but he wasn't surprised that it had happened. Especially since Marlene had jumped into the shower after him, and everyone else was out on the balcony, Dorcas and James eating toast and clearly discussing something very amusing because they were all laughing.

"What do you mean, what's going on with Sirius and I?"

"I saw the two of you last night. So did James, but he's just about as observant as a brick, though a very caring brick."

You saw what?"

"You were hugging? Sort of, anyway. It looked more like you were holding each other up. It was very late though, and clearly the two of you found the blankets and slept out there, so what's going on?"

"Oh. That. I don't know, Lily. We did sleep out there. I don't really know what's happening with it all, I just want it all to work out in a way that no one's going to get hurt. That's my main goal. Are you going to interrogate Sirius as well?"

"He's not one of my best friends, not yet anyway. Are you okay with it all though? With whatever it is that's happening?"

"I don't know, to be honest. But not because of anything he's done. Okay?"

"Okay," Lily agree, smiling a little, almost sympathetically, but not pityingly which was always a relief.

"Speaking of things I don't know," Remus began, hesitating a little before he spoke, "Have you heard from Peter? He hasn't returned my call. Is he alright, do you know?"

"I haven't heard from him, no. Maybe James has? I'm sure he's okay though, but maybe try again tonight or something? What time do you have to leave?"

"I'm easy, there's nothing I've got to do today."

"Awesome. That's a first, and I'm very glad that it's finally happened," Lily replied, grinning, looking genuinely happy.

She was sweet sometimes, Remus thought. She was bloody terrifying a lot of the time, but she was sweet sometimes. It was always good to see people looking genuinely happy, and that happened a fair amount on these Friday nights and Saturday mornings that they spent together, everything was made into some form of amusement. They all saved each other a little bit, was the conclusion Remus had come to a couple of years ago. They had been just about to graduate school when he had realised just how much they all held each other up. Not in an overly dependent way, but just in the way that meant they all made it so much easier for each other. He supposed that was what friends were for, but still, there were moments when he was happily shocked by the sheer amount of care and love they all had for each other.

"Remus! Good morning!" Dorcas exclaimed, bounding into the room as was usual for her in the mornings. She was very much a morning person, often so much so that Marlene made her promise not to wake her up until at least 7:30, which Dorcas found fairly ridiculous. But that was normal. Each of them requesting things that either the other agreed with or found ridiculous, but still, the two fit together well. They'd been together ever since they left school and Remus hadn't seen either of them so happy before, not that he thought having partner was a necessity to be happy, but maybe having people that cared about you as more than a friend helped get rid of the stress. He wasn't entirely sure, but he really didn't need to be, so that was that.

"Good morning, Meadowes. How was your sleep?"

"It was good, that bed is honestly the most comfortable thing in the world."

"It's pretty comfortable."

"How was your sleep? Did the rest of you sleep at all?"

"We did. Though, Sirius and I didn't sleep until maybe 3:30."

"That barely counts as sleep!"

"Well, just because Marlene sleeps a solid nine hours every night doesn't mean the rest of us do," Remus commented with a roll of his eyes. It would certainly be interesting to have a consistent sleep cycle.

"You should try it some time."

"And come to the bakery so early everyday? I think not."

"Stop coming to the bakery so early everyday then! You need sleep."  
"Meadowes, we're not talking about this today, okay mate? I've got the day free, we're gonna have fun. When do you need to go home?"

"I've got no idea, really. I don't think there's anything on."  
"Well, let's go have a fun day then."

"Good plan."

They exchanged smiles and while Dorcas headed to the bathroom, Remus went to the balcony, where Lily had walked off to. He was relieved, relieved that he didn't have to discuss work, or his mental health, or anything like that right now. All he wanted was to have a good day. He was nineteen for fuck's sake. He was meant to be having the time of his life. It was meant to be the best part of his life. It was meant to be the time when he learnt about himself and the world. He was meant to be going to parties and going on dates and just having fun. Instead, he was just relieved that he didn't have to discuss certain topics. But still, that was a good thing, and he was going to cling onto that good thing, just in case. Just in case.

—

It was late afternoon now, though if you weren't a local, you may have thought that it was some time late at night. It was maybe about 4:00, but whatever time it was, it was dark and it was cold. But none of them really cared a whole lot. They were having fun. They'd been running around the park, just because why not. Remus was clothed in many, many jumpers. He was always good if someone needed something to keep them warm. There wasn't very often you wouldn't find him with a spare jumper or jacket. Something Sirius thankfully found out that Saturday. He'd come in tight jeans and clad in leather, and while Remus did admit that he was supremely attractive, he certainly wasn't dressed for the weather. So Sirius too was wearing a bulky jumper, one that was even bigger on him than on Remus, with him being shorter and all. Remus couldn't quite contain his grin when he saw Sirius, the man that wore leather jackets and who owned a motorbike, wearing a jumper about five sizes too big.

No one had really done anything that day, but it had been fun. Now that it was getting later, darker and colder, James had pulled out his massive collection of board games and they were currently arguing over which one to play. It truly was an impressive collection. Lily still says that it was the reason she decided to move in with James, just so she could access all the games. James never found it quite as amusing as the rest of them, but truly, no one would ever believe her, because they truly were the most disgusting couple Remus had ever seen.

Sometimes he wondered he'd be the same if he ever dated someone, most of the time he came to the conclusion that he most definitely would not be. Firstly, he was much more aware of his surroundings than the two of them. Secondly, would he really want to do that? He wasn't sure. Then again, he wasn't even sure if he even wanted to be in a relationship with someone at any point in his life. People laughed a little when he suggested that maybe he "just didn't want to". It almost made him want to less, but he knew that was stupid. Maybe, maybe he would one day, maybe he wouldn't. Who knew? Certainly not him.

"You there, Remus?" Sirius asked, mild concern in his voice, a hand on Remus's knee.

"Where else would I be?"

"Well, you certainly weren't helping us choose what to play," James pointed out from the couch.

"Surely you can choose a board game to play?"

"Clearly we can't."

"That's a skill you should learn then," Remus replied, shaking his head, but grinning anyway, attempting to ignore the hand on his knee.

"Oh fine then."

"Honestly though, are you okay?" Sirius asked, leaning closer to Remus's ear.

Remus couldn't hold back a shudder that time. So close, he was so close. It was strange. This stranger, or almost stranger coming along to their Friday and Saturday traditions. This almost stranger leaning in so close. Closer than a stranger probably should, but it was okay, it was okay. He wouldn't freak out or do anything stupid. He was an amazing person, Sirius, and yes, he was very attractive, and yes, he was probably the first person he'd wanted to be friends, or something with, for the past year or two, but that was okay. That was perfectly okay.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay," Remus replied, turning his head to Sirius so it wasn't just a voice next to his ear.

"Good."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

"Alright! Let's play Monopoly!" James declared, after a great amount of discussion.

"Do we have hours to spare?" Marlene asked from her spot on her chair, Dorcas perched on the armrest.

"Does anyone have any objections to staying for another few hours?" Lily asked, opening up the box and pushing the others aside.

There was a chorus of, "no!" and within five minutes everything was set up, everyone had the right amount of money and everyone had joined Sirius and Remus on the floor, preparing for a heated game of Monopoly to begin. If their friendships could last through this, then surely they could last through anything, Lily said with a laugh.

Everyone agreed, Monopoly was absolutely the ultimate test of a friendship. Dorcas had pointed out that it was fitting Sirius was here today, if he could still want to be friends with them all after Monopoly then he really was stubborn.

The next couple of hours passed with shouts of;

"Hey! I was buying that set!"

"No, no, no, I can't afford to land on that!"

"You fucking arsehole!"

"I'm going to murder you."

"How do you have all the hundred pound notes?"

"You can't own everything on the board!"

"Oh yes, yes good, just don't land on any property I own. Thanks for that."

"I think I need to roll the dice again. I, uh, I'm sure someone knocked them."

"Oh fuck it."

"Landing on your property again! Do you want me broke?"

Followed quickly by, "Actually, yes, I do want you broke."

It was two and a half hours before Lily and Marlene were the last people playing. No one was surprised, of course. Even Sirius had guessed that they would be the board game playing geniuses. And they most certainly were. They were never allowed to be in the same team for board games, or any games, really. The two of them combined were far too dangerous if anyone else wanted to win ever. But even as Lily won, they all agreed that it was a well spent three hours, even if really, it wasn't the best choice of game out there.

By that time it was 7:00 and Marlene and Dorcas had to be on their way home, so with a quick goodbye and a "Is the new timetable good with you?" from Remus to Dorcas, and a nod in reply, they were gone and much like the night before, or rather, early that morning, it was James, Lily, Sirius and Remus. Though this time they weren't asking anywhere near so many questions. It still felt comfortable though, much to Remus' surprise. He hadn't expected the comfort to last so long.

—

"Am I taking you home, Remus?" Sirius asked, his voice lower and more careful than Remus had heard it before. It was something like 9:30 and they were all tired. After Marlene and Dorcas had left, they'd spent the hours talking and eating (not James or Lily's food, though quite a few pastries). James and Lily combined were very...exciting storytellers. He was exhausted, he could only imagine how tired Sirius must be, after spending more than twenty-four hours with people he hadn't even known a week.

"I can make my own way home," he replied, smiling a little at the other man. They were standing just outside the doorway, both agreeing it was time to leave, they'd insisted that James and Lily were fine staying on the balcony. They were having a very intense debate, one that both Sirius and Remus found immensely amusing, and neither particularly wanted to interrupt it, so with quick goodbyes and hugs, the two of them left.

"Is that Remus-code for, yes, but I don't want to be a bother?" Sirius' head was tilted, and once again, Remus thought he looked particularly like a puppy.

"I'm all good, honestly," Remus promised, shaking his head in amusement.

"I don't belie—" Sirius was cut off by the sharp ringing of his phone, "hold on, don't you dare leave."

Sirius pulled the phone out of his pocket and went paler than Remus would have imagined possible when he read the name. "Oh god," Sirius whispered, his eyes wide and nervous.

"What's wrong?"

"Just, just stay a minute. I'll be done in a second and then I'll take you home. Don't leave," Sirius replied, his voice almost a growl.

"Yes?" he said, holding his phone up to his ear, while walking down the stairs that led to the street. Remus followed after him slowly, stepping out onto the street with him. He nodded at Sirius' finger held to his lips. "Not now...Great, I don't care...I'm busy at the moment...No...I'm not coming back, Regulus!...I don't care what she's saying...If I had it my way, you wouldn't be there either, but you didn't fucking leave with me...I'm not going to anything...I'd be better if you'd stop trying to convince me to make a fucking mess with my life...I am busy. I don't want to know. I'm fine. I'm not telling you just so you can go tell Mother Dearest…I don't fucking care, Reg. You're my brother, so get out or leave me the fuck alone!...If that's what suits you."

Sirius was shaking now, and Remus wasn't quite sure if he would want comfort, or if he just wanted to be left alone for awhile. But he reached out a hand to touch Sirius' shoulder, not altogether surprised when Sirius flinched away.

"Do you want to talk?"

"No, I want to fucking murder someone."

"I don't think you should get on the bike right now."

"Fuck you. I don't care. That's the only fucking thing that's mine at the moment. So I'm going to ride it and take you back to your apartment as well."

"Sirius, is that really a good idea?" Remus asked, biting his lip, he didn't particularly want to stop Sirius from doing anything, but he wasn't exactly sure if it was safe or not. He didn't know if it was safe for him to be alone at all.

"It's fine, Remus. Okay? It's fine. It's all fine, fine, fine! Okay?"

"Okay, Sirius. Is your cousin home?"

"She'll be there. She's always there. She's got a little girl, about 3. She'll be there."

"Good, I'm glad."

"I know. You're worried about me. For some stupid fucking reason, you're worried about me. You shouldn't give a shit, Remus. You shouldn't care. I wouldn't. I wouldn't care if I had known someone for less than a week and they had problems. You shouldn't give a fuck."

"Come on, Sirius, let's go."

"Don't tell me what to do," Sirius argued, but he was nodding all the same and handed a helmet over to Remus, swinging his leg over the bike. It took Remus a few moments to convince himself that he'd be okay on the bike with Sirius is such a distressed state. Something was very wrong and Remus didn't know what it was, or how to help. Sirius was right, he didn't really know him, and by anyone else's standards, he shouldn't have cared. But he did, and it hurt a little, no matter that it was only because Sirius was angry, that Sirius said he wouldn't care.

The ride didn't seem quite as exhilarating and freeing as it had the past times, this time it seemed rather strained. Everytime they stopped at a set of lights, Remus could feel Sirius tense up, and he wasn't so sure that they weren't going to crash. Sirius seemed far too agitated to be driving, but that wasn't exactly Remus' place to say something. And even if it was, Sirius wouldn't be able to hear him. So he just sat there, arms around Sirius' waist, hoping that everything would be safe.

"We're here," Sirius said, his voice was sharp and harsh and everything that Remus didn't like.

"I know, this is my apartment," Remus replied, doing is best to keep his tone even and calm, he didn't want to anger Sirius any more than he already was.

"Good."

"Do you want to come up?" Remus asked tentatively, taking the helmet off, and holding it tightly, just in case Sirius really did get that angry.

"No. I do not." He was getting off the bike now, too, and Remus couldn't pretend that when Sirius held his hand out for the helmet, that he didn't flinch. "I just want the helmet, sorry."

"Be safe, Sirius."

"Fuck it all." Was the only reply he got, as Sirius hopped back on the bike, after hesitating, as if he was going to do something, but decided against it at the last minute. Before Remus could say anything, Sirius was speeding away, and Remus just hoped that when he messaged the other man later that night, he'd get a response. He didn't want to have to wonder if Sirius was lying dead on a road somewhere.

With quick steps, Remus climbed the stairs to his apartment, fingers not exactly coordinated as he attempted to unlock his door for the third time. Finally, he got inside and set his bag down. The feeling in his chest was expanding, and not in a good way, not in the way that everyone describes love. No, no, this was something very, very different. Some people called it anxiety, some called it panic, some called it being weak, there were a hundred other names for it, but at the moment all Remus could do was feel it. It was racking through his body, or were those his sobs? He wasn't sure, he wasn't sure of much at all. Everything was blurred, he felt like he was going to be sick, but he also felt like he was going to pass out. So, so weak, wasn't he? Panicking just because someone was angry. Things shouldn't impact him for this long. Should they? He didn't know the answer. He didn't know anything. It was too dark, too bright, too hard to breathe, too much of everything.


	9. No, I Want To Murder Someone

Remus had finally calmed down, it was maybe quarter past ten, about half an hour after Sirius had dropped him home. It was definitely time for him to message Sirius, but at the same time, he didn't know if it would be well received or not. However, he convinced himself into doing it, if only for the reasoning of "well, if he replies, angry or not, at least he's alive."

Maybe Sirius was right, maybe he shouldn't be so concerned with whether or not Sirius was okay. He had known the man for less than a week, but still, he had fit into their friend group so well, he had come to help out with the bakery, he had dressed up in Lily and James's clothes and had a sleepover. Surely, surely if anything, that was a sign that it was okay to care about him? Maybe he just got attached too fast. He thought he had trained himself out of that. He had tried to stay away from any charismatic, seemingly kind and funny men. He didn't want anything like what happened last time. He didn't want anything like most people he used to know. But here he was, about to message yet another angry man, though perhaps this time it would be different. Perhaps this time it would be okay. He would gain a new friend, or something…

_Hello Sirius, _

_I just wanted to make sure you weren't lying dead in the middle of the road or anything. And ask you if you wanted to talk about whatever happened? I'm not the best at advice, that's James, but I'll certainly listen. _

_Also, this is Remus if you couldn't tell. _

_I hope you're feeling better. _

The message felt awkward and wrong and all sorts of other things, but he had to send it. He had to send something. If Sirius really did need to talk to someone, Remus wanted to have at least offered. If he was lying injured on the road, maybe someone would see the message and call Remus. He didn't know if Sirius would reply, or even read the message. He didn't know what Sirius did when he was angry, but from personal experience, it was always nice to see someone had made the effort to reach out, even if you couldn't reply right when you saw it. It was important to know people cared, Remus knew, and sometimes a message didn't quite convey that, but sometimes it did.

It was a quiet night after that, Remus didn't exactly have the energy to do much else. He almost went to pick up his books and get a head start on the work that was due the week after next, but he also knew that if he tried to work tonight, he'd forget it all by tomorrow. He didn't want to admit it, and he rarely ever did, but anxiety took so much more out of him than it should. It wasn't unusual for him to spend afternoons, evenings and night completely exhausted because something anxiety-inducing had happened during the day. It was even less unusual for him to be writing down lines and lines of mostly swearing that was generally directed towards anxiety and depression, asking it to leave him the fuck alone. It was a coping mechanism that he had found online, and while most places just recommended you see a therapist when it was as severe as his could get, he couldn't afford that in a million years, so he had spent hours googling coping mechanisms and had come out with a few. This was one of the few that actually helped. They were even rarer to find.

He had been hoping for a productive night, or at least, some sleep, but since neither of those things seemed to be in the cards for tonight, he picked up _Practical Magic_, by Alice Hoffman. It had been a book that James had bought him while they were at school, and James really had no idea what Remus read, but it was surprisingly good. Not that fantasy wasn't something he read, only that it definitely wasn't something James read, and so anything fantasy based that James picked, either wasn't fantasy, or wasn't very good. But clearly, this time it was different because after a few reads, he had added it to one of his "comfort reading" piles, perhaps it was more to do with the memory of that Christmas, but perhaps not. Either way, it was a relief, just to start reading a book he knew and loved.

—

He didn't know just how long he had been reading for until his phone buzzed and it said that it was 11:30. "Shit," Remus swore. He should be asleep, he woke up too early for nights to be that late. Not that he had been expecting a particularly restful night, but reading until 11:30 certainly wasn't helpful. Something that was helpful however, was the name that had popped up on his screen, one that said "Sirius". He was relieved. So relieved that he almost didn't care if it was an angry message, a message filled with hate or whatever else, he was just glad that Sirius was not lying dead in a ditch. Which, however unlikely that sounded, was exactly what his brain was telling him was most likely.

**I'm fine. Thanks. I'm alive. You don't need to worry. Yes, my cousin's home. No, I don't want to talk or call or anything. I'll be fine. **

Remus sighed, he hadn't expected a particularly informative response, but he had hoped for one. He had hoped that Sirius would somehow realise that it was okay to talk and he'd share whatever it was that was happening. But he didn't, and Remus didn't expect him to. It was still better than Remus had thought, he hadn't been overly rude, he hadn't sworn or told Remus to go away. Remus had sent far worse replies in his life, and while he wasn't proud of them, he did feel he had to acknowledge just how calm Sirius appeared compared to Remus. Perhaps that would have been a better way to go, faking calm with short sentences and attempts to anticipate questions. And occassionally, yes, he did avoid things that way, other times he was completely silent, and other times he would burst out with words and it would feel as if he could talk for days. He didn't know the best way to go about it, and he doubted there was a _best_ way. Whatever way people used, it didn't change the fact that the person wasn't okay. Which meant that he had to reply to Sirius quickly, before he moved away from his phone.

_I'm glad you're alive. Stay safe, alright? The bakery is open tomorrow, if you want to come get some food. _

He hoped Sirius would come to the bakery, if not tomorrow, then some time next week. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't particularly like the idea of not seeing Sirius again, even if they had only known each other for a week. It had been nice, knowing someone new. Remus's friends consisted of James, Lily, Dorcas, Marlene and Peter. There was nothing wrong with them of course, and he would never choose anyone over them, but it had been nice to have some form of a relationship with someone else. He wasn't really sure if they could be considered friends after such a short period of time, but they'd had fun. And to be honest, if he had to be, he wasn't all that certain that he wanted to be friends with Sirius. Lily had picked up on it, but he didn't think anyone else had. Maybe it was just a silly fantasy of his that would go away after a time, that was what usually happened.

But for now, it was late and Remus needed to get some form of sleep, even if it wasn't much. There was too much to be done tomorrow for him to smudge through the day half asleep. He had to make sure Peter was okay, he had to open the shop on his own, he had to start organising things for Dorcas's birthday, he had to actually do the rest of his coursework. And still, here he was, wide awake at 11:34, trying to ignore his worry for Peter and Sirius. Attempting to ignore whatever it was that was going on between him and Sirius. Striving to ignore the pain that had by now spread through his entire back. He felt like shit, but he knew it'd all be worse if he didn't sleep. If only counting sheep really did work.

—

The morning had progressed as usual. The normal alarm had gone off. The routine making of his bed had gone to plan. The usual running his hands along everything had taken place. He'd been at the bus stop at 3:50, and it still arrived at 3:55. He'd taken the same steps to get to the bakery, and this morning there had been no Sirius standing in the doorway, which was somewhat disappointing, but not surprising at all. He'd stepped inside and closed the curtains, turned on the lights and busied himself with the making and baking of the everyday things that had to be placed in the cabinet. There were pastries, there were cakes, there were breads.

There was so much, he supposed, but he'd done it for so long that it felt easy. It was easy. It had seemed impossible when they had started up. It had only been Peter and him, they'd both been there at 2:00AM, baking and baking and baking. They'd stayed until something like 9:30PM. They'd let the shop stay open until 8:00. That had been a mistake, such a big mistake. They'd been like zombies for the first two weeks, then James joined them and it was the three of them looking like death, attempting to churn out as many baked goods as possible. They'd then managed to find the time to discuss it all, and all three had agreed that they needed to close earlier and work out how the hell to be more prepared.

He imagined it was a very amusing thing for Lily, Dorcas and Marlene to watch, those first couple of months while they got everything sorted out. It had been three months in when Dorcas had decided she would take up their original offer and would in fact come work at the bakery with them all. And she made it a lot easier, as they were always keen to point out. By the time four months had passed, they had fallen into a routine that worked for the most part. They'd all worked out what they did best, and the bakery began having a steady flow of customers. It still probably wasn't the best run place in the world, but Remus made sure that everyone got paid and had a fair schedule. For the most part, anyway.

Today it would be him alone until the shop opened, then Dorcas would come in for the day, joined by James at 12:00 in the afternoon. Dorcas would leave at 2:00. James and Remus would close up. It'd be an easy day. There weren't often huge rushes of customers on Sunday, though that changed, he supposed. Either way, it would be okay, he knew. It was easy to think things were going to be okay once he started baking. It was more relaxing than the majority of coping mechanisms he knew of.

The time between when Remus arrived at the bakery and when Dorcas did passed in a haze of baking and warmth. It was a good haze though. A pleasant one. He'd decided on all the pastries he was going to bake the next week, he'd thought of about a dozen things he could do to make his essays better, and about three new ways to organise the masses of books he owned. He'd taken off one of his two jumpers, along with his coat hours ago, and his hair was a mess of curls after being under a beanie for so long. It hadn't felt like long until Dorcas came, at around 7:45, and she helped set everything up for the day.

—

The day _was _easy, just as Remus had suspected. It was something like 3:30 and it was just James and him now. There were fewer customers, allowing for them to have little conversations, most focussed around what exactly they were going to bake the next week. A conversation entertaining enough to keep James occupied, and involved enough with the business that Remus didn't feel bad about talking while he was working. James insisted that he couldn't just talk to customers all day, unless he was planning on actually socialising with them outside of the bakery, which of course, was followed by a wink, because he was James and it was a strange obsession he had since he was about sixteen and had finally managed to wink. It had been funny for the first few weeks, but since then, it only received an eyeroll.

The day _was_ easy, until it wasn't, and it was 3:45 and _he _came back again, and much to Remus's relief, James was standing at the till this time. But that still didn't stop the clenching of his stomach, and the racing of his thoughts as he walked over to the counter.

_Did he recognise me? _

_Does he know it's us here?_

_Has he come to talk?_

_Will James recognise him? _

_Why is he here? _

_Is he doing it on purpose? _

_Would it be rude to just send him out? _

He sent a desperate glance over at James, while _he_ went over to inspect all the pastries. And that's exactly what it looked like he was doing, it looked like he was inspecting them all to see which one could possibly be good enough for him. James returned the glance with wide eyes, looking just as shocked as he had when Lily had pranked him for the first time. Remus was shaking now, still making the coffees that he needed to make, but purposely letting his hair fall forward, hoping that _he _wouldn't recognise him. This was the second time he had come in now, and it was just too much for Remus to handle.

"Four éclairs, thanks," he said, his smile exactly the same as Remus remembered. He shouldn't be looking over, but he just couldn't help it. Maybe he had become kinder in their year apart, maybe he had realised exactly how wrong he was. But it didn't look like it. He still walked with the same ease and confidence, he still charmed people in a way entirely different from Sirius. He still spoke as if he knew everything he did was perfect. It was almost too much for Remus to bear, but he just couldn't tear himself away.

"Sure," James replied, thankfully having managed to cast the shocked expression away, as he put the éclairs in a box. "Seven pound, thanks."

"Here you a— wait, James? James Potter?" he asked, grinning a little, the grin bordering on a smirk.

"Thanks for coming in. See you," James replied, his tone sharply pleasant, making a sweet attempt at getting Gilderoy to leave before Remus had to go and serve the coffee.

"No, no, hold on," Gilderoy said, clearly amused, "Where's Remus?"

And with that Remus was taking the coffees over to whoever ordered them as quickly as he possibly could, not wanting to be involved in any conversation _he _might want to have. It was bad enough that they had stayed together for so long, he didn't need to deal with him now. He wouldn't.

He couldn't.

He tried to make his way to the kitchen as Gilderoy looked around for where he could be. But of course, he spotted him just before Remus opened the door, and Remus thought that he might just start crying.

"Remus!" he exclaimed, the same charming tone that he would always use after a fight, the same tone he'd use to pretend everything was okay, the same tone he'd use to convince Remus that he had just been overreacting, but he didn't mind if Remus overreacted, just as long as he knew that it wasn't _his_ fault.

"No. This is my bakery. There are customers here. So no."

"I've barely said anything. Surely you're closing up soon, anyway?" Gilderoy asked, chuckling at Remus's attempts to make it seem like a friendly conversation, when really it was anything but.

"You know we are. I know you saw the opening hours. Please, Gilderoy? I don't need this right now."

And Gilderoy was walking up to him now, and his heart was racing, his breath was out of control and he could see the family that was trying to enjoy their pastries standing up and leaving, he could see James looking as if he wanted to punch Lockhart in the face.

"You're closed now. It's four o'clock. Can't you spare ten minutes so we can catch up?"

"No, I can't. We've got to clean up everything. And as you said, we're closed. So get out!" Remus's voice was shaking, he wished he could have been as calm and collected as Gilderoy was, but he was shaking and could barely breathe, let alone talk.

"Remus, Remus, I wasn't the one that ruined everything. That was you. And I forgive you babe, I f—"

"Don't you dare call me "babe", or anything. Don't even call me Remus. Just get out. Please." And this was what Gilderoy wanted, of course this was what Gilderoy wanted. That's what he had always wanted, he wanted to take advantage of anyone he could, he wanted to take credit for their work, he wanted to do everything the easy way. But of course Remus wasn't easy, and he had never been, so he learnt. He had learnt to be easy, but he certainly wasn't going to be easy now, not when _he _was in Remus's bakery. No, not anymore.

"Lockhart! Leave him alone. Now," James said, his voice hard and angry, more powerful than Remus could be at the moment. Remus didn't know how long James had been standing next to Gilderoy, but he certainly was now, and his eyes were flashing with all the anger than Remus wished he could convey.  
"I just want to talk, James. Come on. Let me talk."

"Who's this?" an elegant voice asked from the doorframe, the man whose voice it was, taking off his helmet with raised eyebrows.

"Get out, Sirius. And you too, get the fuck out of my bakery!" Remus screamed, he knew he sounded crazy. Maybe he was. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe it was him who messed up everything, but he didn't care right now, he just needed everyone to get out. This was he bakery and everyone except for James needed to get out. They needed to get out.

And they did. Or at least Gilderoy did. With a shake of his head and a "you always were difficult to handle" he had left. James had locked the door after him and Remus had sunk to the floor with the phrase "you always were difficult to handle" echoing around in his head. He was, wasn't he? Too difficult? Too weak? Too emotional? He was too much. He always had been too much. And clearly it hadn't stopped.

—

"Remus, Remus, it's okay. He's gone," James promised, his voice grounding as he squatted down next to Remus, offering him a glass of water.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all."

"If I had just been stronger."

"No, Remus. It's not your fault, Moony. Abusive people don't get second chances, and it's not the fault of the victim that they were a victim. Moony, listen to me, it's not your fault."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, James."

"Shh, Moony. It's okay, it'll be okay."

"I'm sorry."

"Do you want me to send Sirius away?"

"Fuck," Remus swore, opening his eyes to see Sirius carefully stacking chairs, clearly having closed the curtains and turned on the lights already.

"Do you want me to leave?" Sirius asked, his voice deep and genuinely concerned.

"Sorry Sirius, you shouldn't have had to see that. I'm glad you're still alive though."

"It's fine, Remus. And I'm glad as well," he replied with a slight sigh, but a soft smile all the same.

"It's not fine, it's not fine at all. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that he should want to talk to me about anymore. We're done. We have been for a year now. Almost exactly a year actually. We have not spoken once. There is nothing that he should want. But he'll be back now that he knows I'm here."

"Moony, we'll work something out. I promise. We'll work something out. For now though, you need to go home, or better, come back to mine," James suggested, a tinge of hope in his voice.

"I can't. I've still got uni work to do," Remus protested, hoping that James would just accept it and leave it at that.

"Can you honestly tell me that if you were alone you wouldn't sink into depression or anxiety?"

"James, please. I can handle it all."

"I'm not Gilderoy. I don't want you to be easy. I want you to be safe."

"I'll be safe," he replied, but not even he knew if he would be. The day had been going so well, he had almost thought he would get a solid day of feeling okay. But no, apparently not.

"How about, I come home with you?" Sirius suggested, having stacked all of the chairs and wiped down the tables surprisingly quietly.

"You just did all the cleaning, wow, thank you. But you don't need to look after me. I'm fine, okay? I'm fine."

"No you're not," both Sirius and James said in unison.

"Fine then! I'll do whatever. I don't care, okay? I really don't. I appreciate both of you, so, so much. Thank you James, thank you a million times, but I'm not going to let this mess up your day."

"Oh Remus," Sirius said, once again looking like a puppy as he bounded over and wrapped his arms around Remus.

"Sirius…"

"Shh, darling. I'll come home with you," he promised, nuzzling into Remus' shoulder. "Is that an okay plan?" he asked, looking over at James.

"Yeah, yeah, it's a good plan. Moony, mate, message me later? Okay? You two go now, I'll finish this."

"Ja—" Remus began, wanting to protest.

"It's okay, Moony. Go home. Please."

"Thank you, James," he replied, somewhat reluctantly. This is what Gilderoy had always told him that he did, burden everyone with his problems. Maybe Gilderoy had been right, maybe Remus was just another burden.

—

The ride hadn't been particularly thrilling, but perhaps that was because Remus was still partially in shock after the whole Gilderoy thing. They were sitting on Remus's couch now, Sirius had been talking about nothing in particular. Birds and things, Remus thought. He hadn't really been taking much of it in, trying to work out what had just happened. He hadn't thought he would ever have to see him again, but clearly he had been wrong. Very, very wrong. He just hoped that he wouldn't come back, he didn't know if he could cope with that.

"Remus, do you want to talk?" Sirius asked, his voice low and kind.

"Do you? What was going on last night?" Remus asked in return. This was easier, it was easier to help someone else than let someone help him.

"Just, just some family stuff."

"It sounded pretty bad. You said you wanted to murder someone? Anyone in particular?"

"I thought you were doing English, not psychology."

"I like to learn psychology in my spare time, but I haven't had any of that in a very long time, so it's just English for me."

"Of course."

"Sirius, come on."

"Only if you explain what just happened."

"Oh, alright."

"Then settle in. This isn't going to be much fun."

"My mother. I'd quite like to murder my mother," Sirius began, picking up a pillow and hugging it to his chest. "My family aren't the nicest people. It was my brother on the phone last night. He's only seventeen, and he's still with them. I left, ages ago, but I always came back, I never wanted to leave him there, but he never wanted to run away. At sixteen I left for about half a year, but then Regulus — that's my brother — came up to me at school and begged me to come home. So I did. I did and they weren't any better. I had always taken the blame for everything, because I couldn't bear to see Reg hurt, and so that's the pattern we fell back into. But it wasn't long before Regulus told me I should just leave because it wasn't safe for me there. I didn't, of course, I wanted to stay with him. But then they found out that I was "a fucking weak faggot" and they disowned me. I begged Reg to come with me, but he wouldn't. He's an idiot, Remus. He's an idiot. He's only going to get hurt there. I know he doesn't believe what they do, but he's so good at just pretending that he does. If they ever find out, he'll be killed, or close to," Sirius explained, his grip on the pillow becoming tighter and tighter as he went on. Remus was blow away by the fact that Sirius managed to share so much with someone who last night said he wouldn't care about. Sure, it had been choked and stuttered out, but he had persisted, and Remus found himself shuffling closer to the other boy, and he was a boy, not a man like Remus had previously thought. They were just boys, struggling with life and with abuse.

"That's not all, but I don't think I can say anymore. I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have even told you that much," Sirius continued, his tone more apologetic than Remus had ever thought he'd hear it. It was awful, hearing Sirius so broken down and apologetic for something that wasn't his fault at all.

"It's okay, it's okay, Sirius," Remus promised, reaching out for Sirius's hand, smiling sadly when Sirius took it.

"Your turn?"

"I suppose it is."

"Firstly, you should know that I'm from a small Welsh town. And while not all small Welsh towns are like this, I've been to some amazing ones, mine was definitely like this. My parents, mostly my father weren't happy when at the age of fourteen, I came out to them as bisexual. The only queer in the village. And no one was particularly happy or fond of me after that," Remus began, before breathing in and out for a few seconds. He hadn't even begun with the whole Gilderoy thing.

"Gilderoy Lockhart and I went to school together, but I had never really paid him much attention until I was in my second to last year of school. I was seventeen, I was curious about love. I hadn't dated before then, though Peter and James had, most of the people I knew had. I'd crushed on people, but not very often. And then there was Gilderoy. He was charming and charismatic. He was a bit pompous and very, very confident in the fact he was the best. He was intelligent, I can't take that away from him. He was a year older than I was. He was, and is, also very good at manipulating people. Anyway, he asked me out, and shocked, I accepted. It was all good for the first few months. It was fun. We had fun. He was kind and charming. Things seemed good. Obviously, there were some things that didn't sit right. Like the fact that he'd ask me to do his homework often, when he was more than capable of doing it himself. He would ask me to do weird things that I wasn't exactly comfortable with, but that was okay. It was fine and good and I was happy for the first few months." Remus paused, looking over at Sirius, hoping he hadn't bored him to death yet. Sirius gave him a smile and a nod to continue and with a breath, Remus did.

"So, it was fine. Better than fine. It was fine. I enjoyed it. I loved him. I really, really did. It was around the sixth month mark that things started getting more uncomfortable. He told me that I was hard work. He told me that I should be easier. He told me that it was a privilege for him to even want to spend time with me. Of course, I believed him. I was insecure and I had never done the whole dating thing before, so I figured that this was all normal. So I accepted what he said and tried to be better. It was still okay.

"The next year he had graduated, and tried to convince me not to board at the school, but to live with him instead. That was the first time I really said no to him. And one of the only times. He was angry for weeks. I was afraid of him being angry, even then. He would scold me and yell and harsh words seemed to be easy for him to say. He would cross lines that really should never be crossed, but I accepted it. I loved him. And by that time he had told me that he loved me too. It hadn't crossed my mind that he only said he loved me when he wanted something. We ended up compromising with my holidays being divided into spending time with my parents — who had almost accepted me by that time —, spending time with James and Peter, and spending time with him. But guess who got the majority of that time? You'd be right," he took a breath, he didn't know why this was so hard. Maybe he was just weak.

"That year was hard, he was angrier than I had ever seen him, but I loved him. I loved him more than I was afraid of him. And when things were good, they were really, really good. So I told myself it would be fine, because when things were good, we were really happy. And it was fine, mostly. Until I graduated the next year and he insisted I move in with him. My parents didn't have a problem with that because of course he'd always been charming when they were around, James and Peter didn't really know what was going on. He annoyed them, but they figured that if we loved each other enough then we should do whatever we wanted to do. So I did move in with him. And again, it was all fine for the first little while. But then it wasn't. And he became more and more controlling. I was afraid, so I didn't tell anyone or leave, but James and Peter knew I think. I know Lily did, she has been one of my best friends since we were kids, like James and Pete, except not at all. I don't think Marls and Meadowes did, but we didn't spend as much time together, so that made sense. Gilderoy had, had, had," he stuttered, and took another minute to breathe. He had to finish this. He had to. Though maybe he was just a burden? Sirius hadn't gone for so long. Maybe, maybe he was just making another mess.

"Sorry, am I taking too long?"

"No, not at all. I just, I just can't talk about my family right now, not so soon after Reg called me. I will one day though. Please, keep talking."

"Okay, uh, alright."

"Gilderoy had always been controlling, but never like this. He would demand to see my calendar, he would demand to know who I would see and what exactly I was doing. He would even tell me what I could and couldn't wear. It was awful, but I thought maybe this was what all relationships were like. A few times I tried to stand up to him, that never worked. A couple of times I tried to have a proper conversation with him about it and about how I felt uncomfortable. He would always get angry, but turn up with flowers or books or something the next day. He was still getting me to do most of his work. He was studying communications, but really, I was. I was writing most of his essays. I was gathering most of the information. He knew exactly what to say, exactly how to get me to do things for him. The right compliment from him, an "I love you" unexpectedly and I would devote myself to him. I was weak. I was so weak —"  
"No, that's not weak, Remus. That's not weak at all."

"I wish I could agree. But anyway, things only progressed from there. I told him no once and that was when he snapped, he slapped me across the face and then threw a book at me. I don't really remember what happened after that, but I was terrified. But I remember the day after and he cooked dinner for me, which was something he never did, I always cooked and cleaned and everything like that, and he gave me flowers and chocolate — which he always refused to allow me to eat — and a pile of books and he apologised. It was the first time I heard him say sorry, and this was the third year of me dating him. I said it was okay and if there was anything he needed to talk about, then I was there for him. I told him I loved him and it was okay to make mistakes. I told him that I'd always be there for him. And so we progressed. There were days when he'd come home happy and we'd go out and have fun, but more often than not, he came home and something I had done wasn't good enough so he told me I couldn't see James for a week and then he'd hit me. I don't know how many times I ended up unconscious, but it was far too many. I was completely dependant on him by that point. I didn't have a job, I wasn't going to uni. I wasn't doing anything except for being a "difficult boyfriend". That was his favourite thing to call me, he'd tell me that I was difficult, that I needed to be easier. I was difficult because of my anxiety and depression, I was difficult because of my fibro. Ah shit, I didn't tell you about that. Ignore it. But yes, he liked to tell me I was too difficult. So I learnt, I learnt how to be easier for him. He always wanted the easy way out. He was intelligent, but he didn't want to do the work. So he didn't. And then one day he snapped. He went absolutely mental because I was being difficult. And uh, well, let's just say that's where a lot of my scars came from. Some don't, there are a lot of scars and there are a lot of reasons. But a lot of them happened that night. And I hate him for it, I hate the fact that he's such an objectively good person. He's charming and generous and charismatic and it was so bloody hard to subtly convince people he was just a piece of shit. James and Lily knew straight away. Peter, Peter took longer to convince. But yes, there you go."

"Oh Remus."

"It's okay. It's okay. I'm more concerned about your family. They are your family! I'm so sorry, Sirius."

"It's okay. I told you they were all shit."

"It's not okay. None of this is okay. We're not okay, are we?"  
"No, we're not."

"One day, though. One day we'll be okay."

"I hope so."


	10. O aros, rydym ni'n ei wneud

It was a week and a half after what Remus was referring to as the "Gilderoy Incident" and he hadn't come back, much to Remus's relief. The week hadn't been anything particularly special, though preparations for Christmas were making everyone either excited or overwhelmed. Most likely a combination of the two, if he was being honest. It was hectic, so many people wanted orders for Christmas parties and things. Remus had made sure that they had a break over Christmas, or James never would have forgiven him, but it wasn't until the 23rd that the bakery shut. They were going to be closed for two weeks, the longest amount of time they'd been shut since the opening. They'd close on the 23rd and come back on the 7th. It was weird, knowing that there'd be two weeks when he didn't have to get up at ridiculous hours and bake and bake and bake. It was weird knowing that they'd made enough money that with a little effort, Remus didn't have to work for those two weeks. He was no longer living paycheck to paycheck, even if money still was a little tight.

It was Wednesday and it was Remus, Dorcas and Marlene in the bakery today. James had come in that morning and done all the preparations, but then left to go Christmas shopping, which of course, they had all left until the very last minute. Plans for Christmas were rather simple. They'd all spend Christmas eve at James and Lily's, and then on Christmas day, James and Lily would go see James's parents, Marlene and Dorcas would go visit both their families, and Remus would have a quiet day at his apartment, Wales being rather too far to travel. He wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, but he couldn't quite afford that. Peter unfortunately was still with his mum, so couldn't come join their traditional Christmas celebrations, much to everyone's disappointment except for Peter, by the sounds of it. And today was the day that Remus was going to see if Sirius wanted to join them, he couldn't imagine that he was going back to see his family for Christmas.

Sirius had come to James and Lily's the past Friday again, though that time they slept on the couch rather than the balcony, which was certainly more comfortable. They did end up wrapped up in each other again though. Remus hadn't been all too sure how it had happened, but somehow it did. He wasn't all too sure if he minded or not. He was trying to ignore the little spark he felt every time Sirius touched him, or one of them made the other laugh. He kept telling himself that it was just because he was glad that he had a new friend. That was all there was to it, he was sure, that's all there could be to it.

And he was most certainly a good friend, not just a new one. He'd come to the bakery most days, even helping out a few times. And as usual, Remus was surprised by the comfort of it all. Sirius seemed to just fit into whatever needed to happen, he'd bake, he'd talk, he usually avoided the cleaning, but Remus didn't hold that against him. It was nice. The only thing that was missing was Peter, which was unfortunate, but of course, it was far more important for Peter to be home now, rather than at the bakery. So, things had been going well. Next Sunday they'd be closed for two weeks, and next Tuesday was Christmas. It was good, it was good.

—

Remus was still in the kitchen when Sirius came in for the day, grinning slyly as he waltzed into the kitchen to find Remus presumably. Remus didn't even notice the door open, he'd been engrossed in the order he was baking for, he'd send it off with Marlene and Dorcas when they left, glad they had a car because he hadn't been all too sure how else he was going to deliver it. Almost everything was ready, just a little bit more. Perfect timing, thankfully. It was about half past two, and ideally, he should be finished a few minutes after four. He wouldn't leave the shop until later, of course, but the order did need to be delivered by 5:00. Other benefits of having people with a car — it would be quicker — or at least, it should be.

When Remus did notice Sirius had walked it, it was because the other boy was standing right behind him, peering over his shoulder, breath against his neck. "Sirius!"  
"Yes?"  
"Why're you here? And why so close?"  
"I'm here because it's been a few days since I've come in. I haven't seen your lovely face since Sunday," Sirius replied, with raised eyebrows and a tilted head.  
"Ah hah! That's why you've been coming so often, my lovely face." Remus rolled his eyes, heart a little heavy, he'd been used to jokes about all the scars, of course, but it still wasn't something he particularly loved to hear.  
"Your face is beautiful. However, no, definitely not the reason."  
"Pray tell, what is the reason then?" Remus asked, turning back to the pastries, thanking the fact that people could multitask.  
"Well, as there isn't anyone else here, I suppose I could let you in on a secret."  
"What do you want, Sirius?" he asked, wondering when he began feeling quite so fond of the other boy. He had been annoyed when he first met Sirius, but that had quickly turned to admiration, turned to amusement, turned towards sympathy, turned to something he couldn't quite place, but he hadn't realised just how fond of Sirius he was.  
"How awfully rude of you. I was going to say that I enjoyed your company, but it appears you do not enjoy mine," Sirius replied, his tone haughty as his expression morphed into something that would suggest Remus had done something simply scandalous. Remus had glanced over at Sirius, just to check that he hadn't actually offended the other boy, only to burst into laughter instead of the apologies that he was prepared to say.  
"Rude. Awfully rude of you. I think I'll leave now." Sirius made his way across the kitchen, with an overdramatic toss of his hair and a noise that Remus could only describe as a scoff.

"Oh, come back your highness." Remus mock bowed and rolled his eyes. "Did you come for something, or just my lovely face?"  
"I told you! I came for your company. And while I do think your face is lovely, especially when you blush like that." Sirius grinned. "I do generally prefer people for their company and not their looks. I'm not that shallow. Now, how are you?"  
"I'm busy, as a matter of fact. However, I'm good. We close the bakery for a couple of weeks over Christmas and New Years, so I'm excited for that. And you?"  
"You're actually taking a break?" Sirius asked, throwing his hands up into the air. "Whatever had the world come to? Remus John Lupin. Remus JONATHAN Lupin taking a break! It's a miracle. Or is it a disaster? Part Two: The aftermath, coming soon."  
"Yes, I'm taking a break. Ha ha ha, very funny."  
"I'm so glad you think so. So tell me, what are you doing for the hols?"  
"Don't use the word hols, it doesn't match the poshness of your tone at the moment. You still haven't answered my question. Answer that and I'll answer yours." Remus shuffled around Sirius, tray of pastries in each hand, moving over to the oven. "And open the over door, please?" He added, noticing Sirus's smirk.  
"Posh people don't open ovens."  
"But people who want to find out about what I was going to ask Sirius do."  
It wasn't even two seconds between the end of Remus's sentenced and Sirius's hand on the over door.

"Thank you," Remus said after he had placed both trays in the oven carefully. "Now, time to clean. So, how are you?"  
"Avoiding my brother's attempts to get me to come home for Christmas. I'm so glad I don't have to go to another stupid, stuffy Christmas party. I don't think I could survive another one."  
"Well, I'm glad you don't have to go to another one. And that brings me to my question, which i—"  
"Yes?"  
"You've got to let me finish. We were wondering if you wanted to come join us all on Christmas Eve? At James and Lily's, of course."  
"Yes! Yes, of course!" It the grin that really convinced Remus that maybe Sirius really did genuinely like them all. It was such a real grin, it wasn't like the one when Sirius found himself amusing, and it wasn't like the one when he was plotting something, it wasn't like any of the other thousand smiles, smirks and grins that Sirius had, though many of them were genuine as well. No, this one was particularly free, free and truthful. He'd only ever seen him grin like that once before. That morning after they had slept on the balcony. And now of course.

"Brilliant. Well, it's a Monday, so if you're working or something, then just come anytime. But we generally all get there at about 10:00. Usually, anyway. No sleeping over on Christmas Eve though, James and Lily get an early start on Christmas morning to go see his family, and it's the same with Marls and Dorcas, especially them actually, because they go visit both families," Remus explained, leaning back against the counter, pleasantly relaxed.  
"And you? Where do you go?"  
"Home."  
"Wales?"  
"No, not this Christmas. Just my apartment."  
"You spend Christmas alone!"  
"Sirius," Remus fiddled with the edge of his jumper, his voice low.  
"Remus."  
"Yes?"  
"Don't spend Christmas alone, love."  
"Love's a new one."  
"Thought I'd try it out. Do you like it?"  
"Do you?"  
"I do, I think. But not for everyone."  
"Who for, then?"

"Will the order be ready by the time the shop shuts?" Dorcas asked, walking into the kitchen, apron miraculously spotless.  
"Yeah, it will. Half an hour, right?"  
"Yeah, half an hour. Are you actually cleaning in here, or are you just talking to the man who shouldn't actually be back here?"  
"Are you not the one who sent him back here?" Remus asked, eyebrow raised, still wondering exactly who Sirius though "love" worked for and didn't.  
"That was Marlene."  
"Well, knowing the two of you, you agreed. Get back out there. I am cleaning, for your information. I'll clean up the shop too. Four past four and everything should be boxed and ready to go.  
"Oh fine, then. See you at four past four."

"You narrowed it down to the minute?" Sirius asked, as he shrugged off his jacket — he should be an actor with that skill, Remus thought, it was so elegant — grabbed a cloth and began to wipe down one of the counters.  
"You don't need to clean. You didn't come for that."  
"Well, I came for your company, but you don't seem to believe me, so there we go."  
"Well, thank you."  
"Anytime."

A few minutes had passed quietly, Remus enjoying the fact that they could feel this comfortable in each other's company, but eventually the urge to ask what he wanted to ask was too much, so there went the peace.  
"So, who do you think love is right for?"  
"I was wondering how long it would take for you to ask," Sirius replied, smirking.  
"Just answer me."  
"Well, you know, there are certain people who match certain names."  
"Like their own?"  
"Well, I mean, yes. But also things like darling, dear, etcetera. You know?"  
"Yeah, alright."  
"You've got no idea, do you?"  
"Not really, no," Remus laughed, shaking his head, mostly at himself.  
"Well then, that's not so helpful. Anyway, I can call most people darling, it works for most people. I'd call you and your strange group of friends "dear", well, maybe not Marlene, though I'd call her hon, probably. And "love", seems to be one for just a few. Not sure yet, though. We'll find out I suppose."  
"I see, I see. And I'm one of those few you can call "love"?"  
"It would appear so, love."  
"Well, thank you, I guess?"

Remus was smiling to himself as he walked over to hang the cloth by the sink. There was something about Sirius and his strange explanations and stories, and just everything. There was something about him that made Remus feel the safest he had ever felt with someone new. Of course, there was James and Lily and Marlene and Dorcas, and they were all lovely, there was Peter and he was always good until the topic of being gay came up, and then that was a bit awkward, but Sirius, Sirius was something strange. He'd only known the man two and a half weeks, and yet, he couldn't help but miss him on the days he didn't come in. They'd invited him to Christmas! That was unheard of. And now, they were just cleaning quietly, Sirius wiping down Marlene's particularly floury counter, and Remus putting away ingredients and trays. It was comfortable. It was so, so comfortable. And he really should stop trying to work out how it all worked, but he couldn't. It amazed him. Even with all his put on charm, it had certainly never felt like this at the beginning with Gilderoy.

"You alright there, Remus?" Sirius asked, brushing his hair away from his face with his wrist.  
"Of course."  
"That's a stupid reply, love. We both know you're not always alright, so are you? Are you really?"  
"Yeah, I am, just trying to work out some things." Remus started boxing pastries, and pulling others out from one of the many ovens, careful not to drop or bump any of them.  
"What are you trying to work out? Maybe I can help," Sirius suggested, leaning back against the counter he had been cleaning.  
"Will you let it go if I say it's nothing important?"  
"Absolutely not."  
It was a raised eyebrow and his hands thrown up in the air before Remus answered, "Fine, then. I was thinking about how this feels so, so comfortable. I don't understand it at all, not really. It's so strange and it's the quickest I've ever felt comfortable with someone."  
"Oh," there was a pause, and it took a second, but Sirius smiled, a smile softer than Remus had seen it before, "Well, in that case, I've been trying to work that out myself. Because it's the same for me. I don't know how it works. I think it's alright, though, especially now I know both of us feel the same."  
"Perhaps it is."  
"It doesn't seem bad."  
"That's exactly what scares me."  
"It —"  
"Don't worry about it. It's okay."  
"It's not o—"

"Is everything ready for us to take?" Marlene asked, bouncing in, as usual.  
"It sure is. Do you need help taking it all to your car?" Remus asked, piling his arms with boxes.  
"Nah, it's all good. Hand them over and we'll take them. Almost everything's clean out there."  
"Sure?"  
"Yes, Remus. Don't stress. We won't drop them. We'll get them there safely. If you and Sirius could take an order on a motorbike, we can take one in a car." She held out her hands with a grin. "Hand over the boxes."  
"Alright, alright."  
With Marlene piled with boxes, and Dorcas too when she came in, they were out the door and heading down the street to the car. Logically, Remus knew that everything would be fine. He'd prepared for this order for two days now, but he still couldn't help the twinge of anxiety as they left.

"Don't stress, Remus. They looked brilliant, and so far everything I've eaten from here is delicious. Let's just stack these chairs and then I'll take you home," Sirius said, already moving around chairs.  
"You don't need to take me home, Sirius."  
"I know, but do you want a lift?"  
"I can take care of myself, you know." Remus didn't quite know why he was getting so broken up over this, there was just something about it. He trusted Sirius, he trusted him already, and that scared him. He wanted, well, he didn't really know what he wanted. It was almost painful to look at Sirius sometimes, because Remus did trust him. He did, but why? Was it all some form of elaborate trick. Was this man just going to hurt him in the end? Who knew. He didn't, and it scared him. It scared him that he trusted Sirius so quickly, and it scared him that maybe, just maybe he'd been denying exactly what it was that he felt for Sirius. Sirius with his accent, Sirius with his faux leather and fake feathers, Sirius and speaking and cooking French, Sirius and that night on the balcony. It was all going to fast.

"Remus, stop being stupid. Of course I know you can take care of yourself. Look at you, you're clearly good at stacking chairs." Sirius grinned, rolling his eyes. "I know you can do everything, but I just thought you might like a lift home, and maybe some company."  
"Sorry."  
"You don't need to be sorry, chéri."  
"Chéri?"  
"It's darling in French."  
"Oh, I know. You're really trying out all the terms of endearment today, aren't you. Well how about this one? Fy nghariad."  
"That's, well it's very different to French."  
"It's Welsh."

The chairs were stacked, the curtains closed, the benches and tables wiped down. Everything was ready for the next day, the next tired, busy morning. But there'd be a break soon, and Remus was surprised to find himself looking forward to it. He expected that he'd feel strange about not being the bakery everyday, not having things that he had to do, but he didn't feel particularly strange about it. Only rather excited at the idea of not having to be up at insane hours of the morning. He never really slept much, but if he had to choose, he'd choose to be up at night rather than the day and clearly that didn't happen while running a bakery.

"So? What did you think of it?" Remus asked, after noticing Sirius hadn't spoken for a few minutes, something rather odd for Sirius.  
"The Welsh? It sounds like it would be difficult to learn, but it sounded cool, I liked it. Now, do you want that lift? Or the company?"  
"Byddaf yn cymryd y lifft a'r cwmni."  
"I've got no idea what you just said."  
"I said, I'll take the lift and the company." Remus grinning, pulling his coat on and rummaging for the keys in his pocket. "Thank you. And I suppose it would be difficult to learn, but I grew up with it, so it's as easy as English."  
"I suppose that makes sense, it's mostly the same with me and French. Though, it seems that French is much more similar to English than Welsh is."  
"That much is true. Now, shall we go? I've spent enough hours in this bakery today."  
"Good point, yes, let's."

Stepping out into the cold, Remus locked the door behind them, checking it three times before he was satisfied. They didn't even have to walk to get to Sirius's bike, Remus supposed that was one of the benefits of having a motorbike rather than a car, not so much trouble with finding where to park.  
"Don't you ever get cold and wish you had a car instead?"  
"Non, absolument pas," Sirius replied, grinning back at Remus, handing over a helmet.  
"Os mai dim ond yr un iaith yr ydym yn siarad â ni. O aros, rydym ni'n ei wneud." He shook his head at the boy, and clipped the helmet on, wondering what he would have said if he'd been told this was going to happen two years ago.  
"Je ne sais pas ce que vous dites, mais c'est attrayant."  
"Yn wir?"  
"Vraiment?"  
"Oh, alright, enough of this. I've got no idea what you're saying. Let's go. It's cold," Remus said, wrapping his arms around Sirius's waist. It was too cold and he was in too much pain to be sitting around speaking in Welsh to a boy who was speaking French.  
"Alright, alright, amour."  
"Less talk, more getting home."  
"Impatient, aren't you?"  
"Home! I'll make you hot chocolate, but home!"  
"Fine," Sirius replied, and Remus could feel the boy's laughter. He hadn't meant to be impatient, but he was cold and sore and tired, and he had been enjoying attempting to work out what Sirius was saying, but it was getting late now.

They'd been in Remus's apartment for half an hour when Sirius spoke in French again. They'd been having a nice time, Remus had told Sirius all about the strange, strange people that had come into the bakery. Sirius had shared all the stories of working at the bookstore. It'd been fun. Remus hadn't actually made hot chocolate, but he did make tea and they both ate danishes and drank tea as they spoke. Remus told Sirius all about the traditional James-Lily-Peter-Marlene-Dorcas Christmases, and just how much sleep he'd need to get the night before. It had been good, it had been amusing, things had been comfortable and Remus had been doing okay about not stressing about the fact that it did feel so comfortable. But then Sirius spoke in French again, and at first Remus had just laughed, but this time, this time it wasn't quite as lighthearted. Or at least, it didn't seem that way.

"J'ai quelque chose à te dire."  
"And what does that mean?"  
"J'ai quelque chose à te dire. I have something I need to tell you." Sirius was fiddling with the ends of his hair, and he'd curled inwards on himself.  
"You don't have to worry, it'll be alright, whatever you tell me. I'm sure."  
"It might not be."  
"Have you killed anyone?"  
"No."  
"Have you abused anyone?"  
"No."  
"Have you been plotting against me?"  
"No."  
Sirius voice was getting smaller and smaller and Remus couldn't work out what it could possibly be that Sirius wanted to tell him.  
"Have you raped anyone?"  
"No."  
"Have you robbed me?"  
"No."  
"What is it then? I'm sure it'll be fine, just tell me."  
"Well, I think, I just, maybe, Ithinkimightbefakdalgb."  
"I did not understand anything. You've got to breathe, Sirius."  
"I can't, I c—"

"Shh, it's okay. Sirius, you don't have to tell me now, it's okay. Just don't tell me yet, will that be okay? It's okay. It'll be okay, fy nghariad," Remus promised, shuffling closer to the boy, and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "The world isn't going to end because you couldn't tell me today. You can tell me tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I don't know what you could do that would make things bad between us. You're clearly not homophobic, you're not racist, sexist or just a generally awful person. Sirius, it'll be fine."  
"I'm sorry. Je suis tellement désolé mon amour."  
"Speak to me in a language I understand, it'll make it easier for both of us."  
"I'm so sorry, my love."  
"Your? That's another first, you've never called anyone yours before."  
"Exactly the point," Sirius replied in a whisper so low that Remus almost didn't catch it, and when he did, he was far more shocked than he let on, only pulling Sirius closer to him, murmuring what he hoped were comforting words.  
"You can tell me another day."

Author's Notes: Here are the translations -

Fy nghariad = My love  
Byddaf yn cymryd y lifft a'r cwmni = I'll take the lift and the company  
Non, absolument pas = No, absolutely not  
Os mai dim ond yr un iaith yr ydym yn siarad â ni. O aros, rydym ni'n ei wneud = If only we spoke the same language. Oh wait, we do  
Je ne sais pas ce que vous dites, mais c'est attrayant = I don't know what you said, but it's attractive  
Yn wir? = Really?  
Vraiment? = Really?  
Amour = Love  
J'ai quelque chose à te dire = I have something to tell you  
Je suis tellement désolé mon amour = I am so sorry, my love.


	11. To Be Something? To Be Anything?

Author's Notes: Thank you to the user who let me know that chapter 11 was unreadable! I've hopefully fixed it now and there'll be plenty of new chapters coming quickly as I've finished writing the fic. Thank you all for reading

* * *

It was Christmas Eve's Eve, as James had been calling it all day. It was also the day that they would all close the bakery for the next two weeks. They'd all decided that all of them should be there that afternoon, some sort of symbolism, Remus supposed, though he'd agreed wholeheartedly. They'd even FaceTimed Peter when it was time to lock the door. Everything closed up for the next two weeks, and Remus was surprisingly giddy at the idea. Sure, money wouldn't be great, but he had enough, he had enough and he wasn't going to have to work for the next two weeks. Two weeks. It felt like it had been centuries since he'd had that kind of break. Even when they had been at school, whenever he went home for the holidays, he had always worked. Two whole weeks. He couldn't help but grin.

They'd all let out cheers once the door was locked, though they weren't anything compared to when they'd first unlocked the place. Remus had been sure they'd be kicked out before they even started, when they first got the place. But here they were, excited for the fact that they could take a break. And he was excited, even if he felt a little guilty. But James was there to brush the guilt away and so were Lily, Marlene and Dorcas. Peter was there too, even if it was only over the phone.

Tomorrow they'd all be over at James and Lily's and Sirius would be there too. It would be a day of food and presents and laughter. They'd probably end up a little drunk, and definitely high on the excitement, but it would be good, it would be fun. The rest of the day would be for the last minute wrapping of presents, it would be for Remus periodically reminding Lily and James not to try cook anything for Christmas, because that was just a waste of food. After much excited talking and updating Peter on everything, everyone was on their way home. Remus was on the bus and wishing that it snowed in London more often, that really was the only thing that could make this Christmas more perfect. Though, just by thinking that, he'd probably jinxed it, hadn't he? But truly, he couldn't bring himself to care. Two weeks, he had off, he had a brilliant Christmas Eve planned for tomorrow and Christmas, well, that would be quiet and calm, especially compared to the day before.

He felt content, and that wasn't an emotion that he felt very often and so he found himself leaning back and smiling slightly to himself, he would take this feeling and keep it with him for as long as he possibly could. Brushing his hair away from his face, he settled back into the seat and resisted the urge to curl up into the chair. He was content. He was content and everything was okay for right now.

—

"Shit," Remus swore, scrambling around for his phone, which was thankfully still in his coat pocket. It appeared that he'd gone several stops too far. He'd never once fallen asleep on public transport before, he'd always made sure to stay awake and alert, no matter how tired he was. He was male and he was white and that saved him from most of the harassment people experienced, but he also had a tattoo of an equality sign on his wrist, that had come about as a result of losing a bet that they'd decided the loser had to get a tattoo. He also wore a pan flag pin on his coat. Both of those things had earned him many stares and frowns, but nothing that could border on harassment had happened, for which Remus's constant anxiety was glad for.

The next time the bus stopped, Remus got off, crossed the road and waited for the bus that was sure to come from the opposite direction. It didn't seem like he had gone incredibly far, but it had still thrown him off track, and his plan for the evening was not going to plan anymore. It was well and truly dark now, streetlights were on and the wind was bitingly cold. There was winter in England for him. Waiting at the bus stop wasn't fun at the best of times, but when Remus realised that it was five o'clock and his phone was about to die, it became even less fun. With a groan, Remus shoved his phone back into his pocket and wished the content feeling had managed to stay with him even through this.

"Remus! Fancy seeing you here!"

Remus reacted immediately, snapping his head around to see who had spoken to him, and then immediately backing away when he was right. "You're not seeing me for long. Goodbye." He began walking away, he would walk all the way home if he had to. He would prefer to walk all the way home in the cold and the wind and pay for it in pain tomorrow than stay at the bus stop with the man who had spent far too many years with him as it was. He didn't need to spend another minute with him, let alone a bus ride.

"You can't walk all the way home, I know you can't. You'll be in too much pain tomorrow," Gilderoy said, mimicking a whiny sounding Remus.

"I don't care. I'd rather be in pain because of my sickness than because of you."

"Just stay." Gilderoy reached out and grabbed Remus's arm, pulling him back towards the bus stop. "It's just a bus. I can't believe you think I'd hurt you," he continued, an insincere smile plastered all over his face. It was the same smile that Remus had always flinched at the sight of, but he was determined to be strong now. This man had no control over him, this man couldn't force him to do anything, not anymore. He'd let this man hurt him for so long, there was no way he was going to let the same thing happen. He was not going to fall into his arms and let him take advantage of everything ever again.

"I can do whatever the hell I want, Gilderoy. It's been a very, very long time since I've wanted to do you."

"You were never the one doing me though."

"I don't care! Just let go of me!"

"Calm down, Remus. Anyone would think you were some hysterical teenager." Remus wasn't prepared for the sharp tug when it came and if he had been anyone else, he would have broken away and thrown a punch by now, but he wasn't. He wasn't anyone else. He wasn't strong enough, he wasn't strong enough, he wasn't strong enough. It was the only thing echoing around his head, the only thing he could think of other than GET AWAY.

"Maybe I am a hysterical teenager, Gilderoy. Maybe I am," he was fighting to keep his voice low and

separate from his anxiety, "I'm nineteen. I am a teeanger. The man who abused me for years is inches away from my face and he's holding my arm. I have every right to be a hysterical teenager."

"Fuck you, Remus. I didn't abuse you."

"Look up the definition, Gilderoy. Because our relationship was the very definition of abuse. You can't keep showing up like this and trying to control me again. I don't want to be in any sort of relationship with you again. I don't want to spend nights crying because you've hit me. I don't want to be on my knees begging for forgiveness, metaphorically and literally. I don't want you fucking me so you can get rid of all your anger. I don't want you making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having my own opinions and emotions. I don't want the rest of my life being filled with the urge to make you happy or else." Remus paused to take a breath, wishing that he could do something more than just talk. "And if that makes me a hysterical teenager then I don't care."

"The only reason you don't want me is because you're in love with that arsehole, Sirius Black."

"Where did you get that idea from?"  
"Do you even know anything about him, Remus? Do you know who his family is? Do you know what he's done? Do you know how likely he is to betray you? Remus, I was not a bad decision, but he is."  
"You weren't a bad decision?" Remus felt like screaming, how on earth could Gilderoy think he was anything but a bad decision.

"I took care of you!"

"You beat me half to death. I don't care if you thought it was right. I don't care if you think that you deserve an apology. I don't care if you want me back in your life. I don't care at all. But because I'm a decent person, I'm going to let you know that this is the last time I want to see you. If you so much as come up to speak to me again, I will not hesitate to call the police and tell them all about the abuse."

"You're an idiot, Remus," the man murmured into Remus's ear before shoving him into the back of the bus stop and pressing their mouths firmly together, Remus's hands pinned against his side.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" Remus screamed, and this time he did push away from Gilderoy and set off sprinting down the street, not looking back to where a stunned Gilderoy Lockhart was standing.

—

Remus didn't know how long he had been running for when he got back to his apartment. He didn't know how he had managed to run all the way back. He didn't know what the time was. He didn't know how he had managed to breathe at all. The only thing he knew was that he was gasping for breath now as he fumbled to find his key, when he realised the door was already unlocked. How could the night get any worse? By having someone break in, of course.

"Who the fuck broke into my apartment? There's nothing you could want here unless you want books and tea."

If they really had come for books and tea, Remus was inclined to let them stay, it wasn't like he hadn't been one of the kids that had longed for a book and a cup of tea as he spent his nights on the street.

"Damn Remus, are you okay?"

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, love, it's me. You wouldn't answer your phone, and I know that you always do, so I came to check on you. After calling James of course."  
"You called James? Is he here?"

"Yeah, he is. He's in the bathroom."

"Shit, shit, shit."

"What's wrong?"  
"Get out. Just get out, please," Remus begged, he couldn't do this. He couldn't have James and Sirius asking him questions and trying to make everything better. For all he knew, Sirius was what Gilderoy had told him. And James, bless him, was lovely, but Remus really couldn't cope with him being a mother hen right now.

"Hey Moony, what's going on? You didn't answer your phone."

"My phone ran out of battery. I'm okay. I've got presents to wrap and I can't do that with you here, considering half of them are for the two of you, so please leave me alone and refrain from panicking whenever I don't answer my phone, Prongs, though I do love that you care." He clenched and unclenched his hands behind his back, hoping they would buy his excuses. "I'll see you both tomorrow, right?"

Sirius said "Remus" at the same time James said "Moony", and they sounded exactly the same, which was something Remus never would have thought possible.  
Remus replied with a sigh and a "yes?"

"What's going on, Moons? You might be a better liar than I am, but it's written all over your face that something is wrong."  
"Nothing's going on Prongs, really. I'm just a bit annoyed because I fell asleep on the bus and went past my stop. I'm just really tired, clearly."  
"Alright, fine. Unfortunately, I've known you for long enough that I know you're not going to talk anymore than that. But, I will be texting you tonight, because I know you're not going to sleep and I know something's wrong. Okay?"

"You're going to be a brilliant father, Prongs, but nothing is wrong. I hope I'll sleep, but I will reply to any message you send me." Remus couldn't help but smile a little at the thought of James as a father, he would be one of the best, Remus was certain. Turning towards Sirius he asked, "Are you happy with my answer?"

"No, I most certainly am not."

"Come on Sirius, he's not going to answer. I'm going home to do my own wrapping, and to stop Lily from trying to cook anything. I will see the two of you tomorrow and if either of you don't come, I will track you down."

"Goodnight James. See you tomorrow."

With a series of waves and a slight chuckle from Remus, James was out the door and Sirius had spun to face Remus.

"Sirius. Leave it. You're not an actual dog."

"If I was, would you talk to me?"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"What's going on, amour?"

"Nothing, like I said."

"Bullshit."

"Just go away, Sirius. Please? I can't do this right now."  
"So you admit, there's something going on?" Sirius asked, flopping down onto the couch that was too small for him to lay down on properly, though he had tried many a time since they'd met.

"Sirius!" Remus groaned, sitting down on the floor next to the other boy.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on," Sirius replied, reaching his hand down to run his fingers through Remus's tangle of curls.

It took Remus a moment to convince himself not to flinch every time Sirius brushed against his scalp, but he did convince himself to sit still in the end. It's Sirius not Gilderoy. It's Sirius not Gilderoy. It's Sirius not Gilderoy.

"Remus?"

"Can you please just leave it alone?"

"I'm afraid I can't, mon amour."

"I'm not your love!" Remus shouted, pulling away from Sirius, wincing when his hair caught on the ring Sirius wore.

"Okay, Remus. What's wrong? You don't look well at all." Sirius had pulled himself up into a sitting position, looking somewhat warily at Remus, somehow still looking concerned at the same time.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Just get out! Please." Remus wanted to sound strong and in control, but his voice was finally wavering and he'd finally had enough. He couldn't do this. Not with Sirius. For all he knew, Sirius would end up like Gilderoy and that just couldn't happen. He couldn't let that happen again. He couldn't and he wouldn't. "Please leave, Sirius. I'm so sorry." there were tears in his eyes now and his hands were shaking. Still, he couldn't manage to say anything but "please".

"Remus, Remus, come here. It's okay. It's going to be okay."  
"No, no it's not, but you can't fix that so get the fuck out. You can't fix my life, so stop pretending that you can. I don't know what you want from me. Maybe you just think I'm weak, maybe you just know that you can take advantage of me so you charm me and you compliment me until you can take me home and fuck me. Maybe you've got some plot. I don't know. I don't fucking care. You can't fix my life. You can't fix me. So get out. Just get out." Remus knew he sounded out of control, he knew he sounded crazy and psychotic, he knew that these were not things you said to people you cared about, he knew that, he knew that he was about to cross the line when the words he was going to say came out of his mouth, but it was too late to stop anything now.

"Maybe you were lying about your family and you really are here to torture another sinful gay. Maybe you think I'm pathetic. Maybe you think I owe you. Maybe you think you've never done anything wrong. Maybe you think that it's okay to take my whole life and break it. Maybe you think it's okay to tear me down piece by piece. Maybe you think it's okay to abuse people. Maybe you're the abuser. Maybe that's who you are too, someone who abuses people."

And it was out, he'd said it all, and none of it really was meant for Sirius. None of it was meant for the man who was now standing, looking as if someone had taken his whole life and broken it. None of it was meant for the man who he cared about. No, none of it was meant for that man.

"Fuck you, Remus Lupin. I don't know what happened today, but none of that was okay. I'll see you tomorrow and I hope you've sorted yourself out by then, because I will leave if you haven't. I will leave and I will not come back. None of that was okay in the slightest." And the last sentence had Remus breaking like Sirius's voice, and it was only when Sirius stalked past him and slammed the door shut that Remus let himself drop to the floor, too exhausted to even make his way to the couch.

—

When Remus woke up, it was half past nine and his back was aching for something softer than the hard floor of Remus's living room. But more than that, his entire being was in pain, both physical and mental. How could he have reacted like that? He had always been one to pride himself on his composure, he had always been able to keep himself calm, he had always been the one to appear sane. He never gave in, he was always so good at appearing okay. He'd always been good at resisting the urge to rise to other people's bait. But here he was, on the floor, tears in his eyes because he'd hurt the man that had only made his life better. He was a stupid fucking idiot. And no matter what the rest of them said, he was weak. He was weak because he still let the man who had abused him, control his life the moment he stepped back into it.

With a groan, Remus pushed himself up onto the floor and walked over to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. What a wonderful start to the holidays hurting the person who'd made his life better, aching because he was stupid enough to fall asleep on the floor, still shaking because he'd let Gilderoy touch him again, even when he'd promised himself and James and Peter that nothing would ever happen between the two of them again. technically, nothing consensual did happen, but still, he should have pushed away, he should have spoken up. There were a multitude of things that he should have done. And as of coming home, even more that he shouldn't have done. Perhaps these were the teenage mistakes that everyone spoke about. Except no one mentioned just how bitterly they stung, and just how hauntingly they hurt, but that was life, wasn't it? Bitter and haunting.

The kettle boiled and Remus plunked a tea bag into a cup, not finding the energy to look for milk, though in theory he knew it was in his fridge. Here was the depression that came with the pain and the mistakes, and this time Remus couldn't even groan. He just sank down onto the couch, preparing himself for a night that fluttered between sleeplessness and periods where he knew he would black out. It was all fun and games. And still, it wasn't the worst he had been, which he was more than thankful for.

—

The night had passed just as roughly as Remus had expected, but he was glad that it wasn't any worse. This was the awful part, being so aware of it all, and yet not being able to change it. He was so aware that he was being idiotic, that the anxiety wasn't helpful, that it was best to just apologise to Sirius and get it over and done with. He knew logically that he was strong enough to stand, strong enough to act like a mentally well person, but still he was being held back. And it was by his own stupid fucking brain. It was all wrong, every bit of it. Every bit of him. Maybe it was him that had been the abuser. He didn't know anymore. He didn't know a lot. It was pointless trying to make sense of it, he knew what was happening, he only wished that Sirius had not been brought into it.

It was fair on Sirius, who Remus was certain wasn't lying. Of course, he couldn't know for sure, but so far Sirius had been nothing like Gilderoy, other than the fact Remus was attracted to both. But even that, they looked nothing alike. The acted nothing alike. They were nothing alike. The words that came out of Remus's mouth last night should never have been spoken. He never should have directed them at Sirius. And most of all, he shouldn't have let Sirius get so involved. Everyone was only going to end up hurt.

But he couldn't think like that, he couldn't. Not today. Not tomorrow either. It was Christmas Eve and he was going to James and Lily's like every year. He was going to be a good friend, he was going to be a good person. He'd apologise and he'd act happy. They'd exchange gifts and it'd be okay.

It would be okay.

It had to be okay.

Shakily, he stood up, gripping the side of the couch. Willing his legs to hold him up. Once he was standing, he just stood and breathed for a second, he couldn't rush this if he was going to act the part in a few hours. Slowly, he reached down for the mug full of undrunk tea, soon it would be filled again and this time he'd force himself to drink it. He wasn't okay, not in the slightest. Not mentally, and not physically either. He was in so much pain and it was not helping him get through the mental stuff in the slightest. But he would, he would. It took longer than usual, but he made his way to the kitchen and rinsed out his mug, filling up the kettle and setting a tea bag and a keep cup next to it. He'd have a shower now, and make himself appropriately Christmassy. He'd leave in about half an hour, taking the forty-five minute trip to arrive at almost exactly ten o'clock. He hoped he'd get there before Sirius, he would need a minute to prepare himself for it all. But if that didn't happen then he'd just have to deal with it. He wasn't going to ruin anyone's Christmas, he was determined.

—

It had been a shaky shower, but he'd done an excellent job at avoiding all the mirrors until he was wearing a Christmas jumper and scarf, readying himself to go out. It was going to be freezing, he knew. Especially when he was in this state of pain. Extreme temperatures were always worse when he was having a bad day. Summers in London were good for that. Winters were not so good, but he could make it alright with layers and layers of clothing. He probably looked like a marshmallow, but that was alright too. He'd rather look like a marshmallow than be in more pain than he was already in.

Once he was appropriately bundled up, he flicked on the kettle and was exceedingly glad that he'd thought to put the keep cup next to the kettle with the tea bag because with the amount his hands were shaking, there was no way he'd have been able to reach up into cupboards with dropping anything.

Soon enough the kettle had boiled, tea had been made and Remus was on his way to the bus stop. He appreciated the fact that it took awhile to get to James and Lily's, he needed to make sure that he looked okay enough that he could convince everyone that he was okay, and that yesterday was just a bad day. Marlene and Dorcas would be fine, because they wouldn't know. James and Lily were a more difficult matter, both were persistent and while James was likely to be softer about it when he saw Remus didn't want to talk, Lily would do nothing of the sort. Lily was more likely to yell at Remus than anyone else. Sirius, Sirius was who Remus was most worried about.

Remus had replied to James's message the night before, telling him that some stuff had happened, but he was okay, and no, he didn't want to talk. But Sirius, he didn't know what to do about that. He had no doubt that Sirius emwouldem just walk out and not come back, and Remus almost wished he would, that would save Sirius from so much pain. But everyone else liked Sirius too, and he would hate to get in between people's friendships. He would apologise, of course, but surely that couldn't be enough. He didn't know what would be enough, but he knew that Sirius was a stronger person than he, and it wasn't likely he'd give in as soon as someone hinted at an apology.

Almost there. Two stops away now. Two stops until he would be bombarded with Christmas. Two stops until he would have to convince everyone that he was fine. Two stops until he would see Sirius again.

—

"Merry Christmas!" Lily exclaimed, flinging open the door and wrapping her arms around Remus in a hug that was just as likely to suffocate him as it was to show affection. A softly harsh, "You have to talk at some point. We just want to help, Rem", made Remus realise that the hug was likely meant for both reasons equally. "Everyone else is already here, but don't worry, you're not late," she continued, her tone back to bright and happy.

"Merry Christmas, Lily. I'm sorry I was the last one. Sirius is here?"

"Yes, Sirius is here and not, well, you'll see."

"I'll see?"

"Just get in there. I hope that bag is filled with presents."

"Weren't you taught that Christmas is about love and family, not material gifts?" Remus asked, chuckling at Lily's glare. "Alright, alright. Yes, I have plenty of presents. I'll put them under the tree?"  
"You'd better."

A shake of his head and long, slightly shaking strides took him into the living room where he couldn't help but smile. James was sitting on the armrest of the couch, tinsel wrapped around his glasses, some form of food in his hand, Marlene and Dorcas were sitting in their favourite chair, much more manageable now that they were in Christmas jumpers rather than hooped dresses. Sirius was sprawled on the floor, half under the Christmas tree, holding a glass of what Remus could only assume was alcohol. And he looked like he needed it, suddenly Remus realised what Lily had been trying to convey when she began to say something about Sirius, he didn't look all that okay, not when you looked closely. From a glance, he looked the perfect example of Christmas spirit, laughing at something James had said, red and green weaved into his long hair, tinsel around his ankles, but there was something wrong. Something was off and Remus desperately hoped that it wasn't because of last night.

"Merry Christmas! I have more presents!" Remus exclaimed, finding that he was able to grin more easily than he expected, though it still made his stomach churn.

"Presents are good!" Dorcas replied with a wave and a grin. Marlene's response was a smile, and Remus didn't have a chance to note James's response because the next thing he knew, Sirius was on his feet and walking over to Remus. He couldn't pretend that his anxiety levels didn't raise when Sirius stepped towards him, but he forced himself not to flinch as Sirius wrapped his arms around him.

"Sirius?"  
"We have to talk about last night. But not now," came Sirius's muffled reply.

"We can talk," Remus promised, setting down the bag of presents and wrapping his own arms around the other boy, sighing in relief when everyone else went back to their conversations, Lily going to join them.

"Good. I almost didn't come, you know."

"Really?"

"I still don't know if I should have," Sirius continued, stepping back from Remus, his voice still low enough that only Remus could hear.

"You absolutely should have. And Sirius? I'm sorry."

"You're sorry about everything. We can't talk about it now. Later, yeah?"

"Yeah."

The conversation didn't go any further than that and with a soft smile, Remus stepped away to put the pile of presents he'd brought under the tree. As usual, there was barely any room, despite all the promises that no one would go overboard this year. Which of course they all did. Though, he didn't know what sort of present giver Sirius was, though he supposed he'd find out.

The morning passed in a whir of laughter, of food (not prepared by Lily, but baked by James), of stories, of Christmas Carols. They'd all been on the balcony and back to the living room again. It was something like half past twelve and everyone was settling into Christmas more. Lily wasn't so worried that there weren't enough decorations, and things were so awkward between Sirius and Remus. Things were okay, and on more than one occasion, Remus found that he was laughing and smiling genuinely, nothing forced about it. It was a pleasant realisation. He was okay. He wasn't good, not even close, but he wasn't as broken as he had been the night before. And that's what he was, wasn't he? Broken? But he wouldn't think about that now, it was Christmas Eve and everyone was having fun. Even Sirius looked better than he had when Remus had arrived. The dark circles under his eyes still remained, and the silences were still there, but it seemed as if he were genuinely smiling too.

They never did do a big Christmas lunch, but there was always plenty of food. The table, which seated far too many people in Remus's opinion, was entirely covered with food. Plates were piled up too and everyone ate as they pleased, enjoying the fact that James and Dorcas had prepared an entirely Christmas themed spread. They were all more than likely to go overboard at Christmas, but it was Christmas, so what did it matter? Or at least, that was Marlene's reasoning.

—

"Remus?" James asked. They were the last two left on the balcony, it was getting darker and soon they'd all be around the Christmas tree opening presents.

"Yeah?"

"What happened last night? Moony, come on, please?"

It took more effort than Remus would have liked for him to shake his head at James and reply with a simple, "Nothing you can fix, alright? It's okay now."

"Remus, you are my best friend in the world, I want to know what's going on to help you. Maybe I can't fix it, but I can listen. If you want to talk, I'm here. Okay?"

"Thank you James, that means a lot. It really does. This one doesn't need talking about though, okay? I know you want to help, but this one is okay. It's Christmas, let's have fun."

"Talk to someone. It'll help."  
"It's Christmas," Remus protested. He had been determined not to let this carry on, but it did, it shouldn't have. It shouldn't have even been something that he'd shown last night. This wasn't something he could talk about, not anymore.

"I know it's Christmas. Christmases are for being happy. You can't be happy if you don't talk to someone. Anyone."

"We'll see." He ignored James's look, and pushed onto another topic. "So, what time do we all need to leave tonight?"

"You can't just change the subject."  
"Yes I can. I absolutely can."  
"Fine. You might all need to leave around four or five, we're planning on leaving tonight at around seven. Mum wants to see us desperately," James replied, laughing a little, though Remus could clearly see that he still wanted to talk to him.

Remus had always loved the way that James's eyes lit up when he spoke about his parents. He always looked so proud of them, so happy to talk about them, so happy that he was part of their family. It really was lovely, or at least Remus thought so. There weren't many people who spoke so adoringly about their family consistently. Not that James hadn't ever been annoyed with his parents, but it never lasted long. There was always plenty of love, Remus knew, and he knew that that was more than a lot of people had, and he was glad that James had such a brilliant family, he deserved it.

"Of course she does. She always wants to see you."

"I'm not sure if that's entirely true, but close enough. She'd like to see you too, you know."

"Maybe next time I'll have to come with you then," Remus suggested, rolling his eyes.

"She would probably love that, but if you don't go see your family next time, I will personally shove you onto a plane. Or a train. Or I'll drive you. But you have to see them at some point."

"Of course I'll see them at some point."  
"Some point soon! I had half a mind to force you to go this year. It's Christmas, you can't spend it alone."

"It'll be peaceful at least."

"You and your peace. You talk about it as if you didn't plan three quarters of the pranks back in school," James said, running his hand through his hair, a habit from when they were younger and he had thought it made him look cooler. Despite Remus's firm insistence of the fact that it made him look like an idiot.

"Don't you think I've matured since then?" Remus gestured to the Christmas jumper he was wearing and the tinsel he'd let Sirius braid into his hair.

"I think you've learnt how to put up with arseholes, and how to handle your alcohol. Other than that, ehhh—"

"Hey! I am offended."  
"Mhm, well I'm right, aren't I?"  
"I've learnt how to manage money?"  
"You've always known how to do that. I think you were born with that skill."  
"Fine then. Let's go do presents. I refuse to be insulted by you."  
"Not used to being the one who's on the receiving end of the insults?"

Remus just shook his head and walked inside, no response necessary for that.

"Presents?" Dorcas asked as soon as they had stepped inside.

"Presents!" James declared, throwing his hands up into the air, a gleeful expression that made you wonder if they were presents he was excited about or something much, much worse.

"Finally," Marlene added, rolling her eyes, but sitting visibly straighter. It wasn't like they were particularly materialistic people, but there was always something about opening presents on Christmas Eve, something that couldn't help but bring a smile to Remus's lips, no matter how nervous he was about talking to Sirius later on.

"Who's turn is it to hand them out this year?" came Lily's voice from the kitchen, leaning casually on the counter, her own delight showing in her eyes.

"I think it was Peter's turn, so it'll have to be Remus's instead," James replied, flopping onto the couch, motioning for Lily to come over so insistently that Remus couldn't help but laugh a little. They were disgustingly sweet sometimes, but he'd rather this than the constant moaning of James wondering why she didn't like him.

"Alright then. Gather round, gather round. Is everyone ready?" Remus asked. It was moments like these that Remus wondered how he ever managed to get such brilliant friends. Lily and James together on the couch now, Dorcas and Marlene in the same chair, even Sirius looked happy, back resting against the other chair as he sat on the floor.

A chorus of "Yes!" had Remus reading the writing on the first present, hastily wrapped in red and gold paper.

"I'm guessing this one is from James, because it's got his atrocious wrapping. Aaaaand it's for Dorcas," Remus began, tossing the present to her, ignoring James's squawk of protest.

Once everyone had their pile of presents, the opening began. A few offended shouts, many excited thank you's and an incredible amount of laughter as wrapped paper was ripped off or carefully unwrapped. Of course, there were the presents that were only given as a joke, and then there were the presents that were so personal that Remus was sure a few tears were shed.

James had given Dorcas something that had her bent over in pain from laughing so much, Marlene a pile of books that she was rather offended by until she realised he'd put fake covers over. He'd given Sirius a few records, after a very passionate conversation the two of them had had about The Beatles and their opinions about them and he'd given Remus a teapot and about five rolls of masking tape, it was a running joke that Remus with all his love for tea broke far, far too many teapots, which was true. He'd given Lily a recipe book as a joke, and a scrapbook as an actual gift. Remus knew that if he looked close enough, he would see James shaking as Lily flipped through the pages, James may act like an idiot a third of the time and he may seem like everything's under control the rest of the time, but Remus knew how anxious he was to keep everyone together, the fear of everyone falling apart was strong in James's mind, and Remus knew that, so he offered James a comforting smile, hoping the other boy caught it.

Marlene had embroidered pillows for everyone. Lily had a Brunello lily embroidered on hers, Marlene had promised that she would embroider all known lilies for Lily eventually. There was still about seventy-five for her to get through, but the effort was appreciated. James had a pillow that said "Happy Birthday" on it, clearly Marlene too had been hearing all about how much James liked birthdays. She's embroidered bookshelf for Remus, and a motorbike for Sirius. It was a poem for Dorcas, which no one else had been allowed to see because Dorcas was hugging it to her chest so tightly, grinning so hard Remus thought it must hurt by now.

Lily had written the most beautiful cards, and given everyone the loveliest presents, Remus couldn't help but spring up and run to wrap her in a hug, whispering "thank you". Dorcas had baked for everyone, along with giving them all clothing, a tradition she carried on from her parents. A tradition Remus rather liked, a new jumper was always appreciated.

Remus himself had chosen everyone's present very, very carefully. He'd given James a santa costume, something he'd given James every year since they met and Peter was the only one who still believe in Father Christmas, James had accidentally broken it to him, so Remus had declared James as the Official Father Christmas from then on. But aside from that, he'd spent the past year saving up so he could send both Lily and James off to a hotel that Lily had once said she really wanted to stay at, it was a small place, but apparently Lily had always wanted to go, and Remus knew that James wanted to go almost anywhere Lily did. So with a year of saving and the luck of the bakery being stable, James and Lily had been gifted two nights in a little hotel.

He'd given Marlene a pile of canvases and more paint brushes because she was forever complaining that she didn't have enough. He'd given Dorcas a scarf he'd attempted to knit, knowing that she'd find it incredibly amusing. And he'd given Sirius a book filled with pictures, not exactly a scrapbook, because it didn't document anything in particular, just filled with pictures Remus had taken of particularly beautiful things, little stories written on some pages. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd given that to Sirius, the only other people he'd ever shown his writing to were James and Peter. He hadn't even shown Marlene and Dorcas, though he'd allowed James to show it to Lily. It was strange to him, that he was okay with giving it to Sirius, but he needed gift ideas, and that was the best he could come up with.

The last presents opened were from Sirius. James was given a magic kit, received with lit up eyes and a laugh, Lily had been given a bracelet that clearly meant something more than Remus knew, because the look the two of them shared was more than just a thank you. Dorcas and Marlene got matching necklaces and a massive box of fairy lights. Remus opened his present last, hands shaking somewhat, wondering what on earth Sirius could have gotten him. The first thing to come out of the wrapping paper was the pansexual flag, which Remus wrapped around himself with a laugh, then came about seven boxes of tea, and lastly there was a watercolour painting that had Remus shaking even more, it was a dark painting, of a young boy, with brown hair and an oversized jumper, he was facing the back, but Remus knew that his expression wouldn't have been a happy one.

He was taken aback by the painting, he was blown away by the fact that Sirius had taken the time to paint something so beautiful. Silently, he shuffled over to the boy and wrapped an arm around him as James began talking about the plans for the rest of the afternoon. He didn't know what gave him the strength to even sit so close to the other boy, the boy who he was so desperately worried he'd never be able to see again. And it shouldn't have bothered him so much, they hadn't even known each other for a month, they hadn't had years like he'd had with James and Lily and everyone, it'd only been days and still he was scarily attached to the boy.

—

It was 4:30 and Marlene and Dorcas had already left, they were aiming to be at Dorcas's parents' house by 10:00 that night, a goal that Remus wished them good luck for. Lily was starting her stressing about not leaving in time, despite James assuring her that they absolutely did not need to leave any earlier than seven, though Remus knew they'd be out of there by 6:00. Whatever time they left though, it was time for Sirius and Remus to leave them to pack and get ready to go. So with a wave and a laugh as Sirius dropped one of the many presents he'd bundled into his arms, the two of them left, and Remus could feel the awkwardness manifest in the air.

"Are you going to be able to take all those on the bike with you?" Remus asked, shifting nervously from foot to foot once they were on the street in front of James and Lily's.

"I actually didn't ride here. Christmas is for drinking, no?"  
"Ah, fair enough. I was going to save that for my Christmas alone tomorrow," Remus joked, though for all he knew, it could turn out to be true.

"Drinking alone isn't often a good idea, Remus." Sirius had begun walking towards the bus stop, and Remus had no choice but to follow him. "I thought you were supposed to be the responsible one."  
"I am certain that I've proved to you that I am not responsible."

"I'd trust you before James."

"Well, that's not saying much, is it?" Remus laughed, saying that he was more trusted than James wasn't exactly high praise, but at least it meant that last night hadn't changed Sirius's trust in him.

"I mean, if it had been James last night, I'm certain he would have thrown a punch rather than words. I don't know which I prefer."

And there it was, the opening to a conversation that Remus so desperately wanted to avoid. The conversation that Remus almost wanted to walk away from, he tossed up the amount of pain he'd be in physically if he walked home compared to the amount of pain he'd be in mentally if he had this conversation. Unfortunately, the pain it would take to walk home would be unbearable, so he just followed Sirius onto the bus. Tapping his Oyster card and sitting down next to the other boy, not entirely sure where Sirius lived, but clearly it was close to Remus.

"Are you going to reply?" Sirius asked, his voice low and not at all welcoming.

"There's nothing I can say to make it better."

"We're talking about this, whether we do it here or in your apartment, I don't care. But I refuse to just let it slide. I'm not interested in a toxic friendship, at all. So are we going to talk?"

"We can talk. But not here. You can come to my apartment, or whatever, but I'm not talking like this on a bus."

"Okay. That's sorted then. Don't back out."

"I won't."

"Thank you," Sirius whispered, and Remus could swear he heard Sirius's voice break.

They passed the bus ride in silence, Sirius looking out the window and Remus looking straight ahead. Not looking at anyone, barely paying attention to where they were. He knew he'd get off when he needed to, so he let himself drift into a state of nothingness. He hated the dissociative state, but he couldn't be bothered to stop it. He didn't have the energy or strength to even try. It was an effort to not just get off at the next bus stop and start running. But he wouldn't, he wouldn't, he'd have a proper conversation with Sirius and it'd be done at least. It would be done. And then at least he'd know if he should ever expect Sirius to come back into his life, the beautiful man who hadn't stopped surprising him since they'd met, the ridiculous boy who had already come over so many times, filled with jokes and stories and comfort. He didn't want to lose that, not if he could help it. So he'd try, even if it was impossible.

Finally they were at Remus's stop and quietly the two boys walked to Remus's apartment, not speaking even as Remus unlocked the door, stepped inside and put on the kettle.

"So," Remus began, setting down the mugs of tea, not sitting down himself though. So both of them stood on each side of the coffee table, watching each other nervously.

"Should we sit?" Sirius asked, for once looking just as anxious as Remus.

"I suppose so, yeah."  
"Okay."

The awkwardness levels didn't shift as they sat down stiffly on either side of the couch, Remus fiddling with the edge of his jumper and Sirius looking very much like he'd appreciate it if he could disappear.

"Right. So we need to start, because I have no intention of sitting here until some crazy hour at night only to not have said anything," Sirius said, determinedly looking at the wall behind Remus's head.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"That's what I said."

"I don't understand what happened last night. And I need you to explain, because I'd really hate to know that's what you think of me without any sort of explanation, so start talking. We're not some characters in a book, a tragic backstory doesn't excuse anything. Anyway, you're not the only one with a tragic backstory and I will leave, I am fully capable of just up and leaving."

"I know you're capable of leaving. I wouldn't blame you if you did."  
"Do you want me to leave?"  
"No, of course not."

"Then explain! Explain to me why the hell you think I'm an abuser, why do you think I'm so horrible?"

"I don't think you're horrible at all, Sirius. I, just, some stuff came up yesterday and I shouldn't have snapped. None of it was directed at you at all, there is someone who it is directed to, but it's certainly, certainly not you."  
"Who? Who did you confuse me with? Remus, I need an explanation and a fucking good one at that. You can't just apologise and be done. Christmas isn't a great time for me. Okay? But I'm not screaming at people and telling them that they're going to break my entire life apart. Remus, I would never want to do that to you. So talk to me. Tell me what happened."

"I saw Gilderoy yesterday."  
"And? Because that's not a good enough reason for any of this."

He didn't want to explain, he couldn't, Sirius shouldn't have to be dragged into this mess at all, maybe it would be better to just leave it and let Sirius get out of his life while he could. There was no point in explaining now when he'd just hurt the other boy in the end anyway. He shoulders were tense and his hands were tapping a pattern against his leg nervously, but still, he noticed that Sirius's eyes looked haunted and he seemed as if he were ready to run if he needed to.

"He, uh, said some stuff and uh, grabbed my arm. But no, that's not a good enough excuse. I just panicked. It freaked me out. He was so close, he had me pressed against the bust stop. I walked all the way home. I was in pain and so uncomfortable. I couldn't let him control me again. But he still is!" Remus said, somewhat hysterically, his voice becoming more and more frantic. He stood up, beginning to pace around the room. "I promised myself I'd never let him touch me again, but he did. He did! I'm still letting him do whatever he wants. I'm not strong enough, Sirius. I'm not strong enough. If I'd been anyone else i would have punched him, or I would have broken away, but I'm not strong enough. You got out, you got out, and you're so, so strong, but then there's me and all I do is let him and other people get to me. It's my fault. It's all my fault. Maybe he was all that I deserved. Maybe I should have just stayed, things wouldn't be so different from now anyway. He's still doing the same thing. He just expects me to come back someday. He says he never abused me. He says he took care of me. He's a fucking liar, but maybe I'm not any better. It's all my fucking fault. Not yours, never yours. And you gave me that beautiful, beautiful painting and I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave, because I don't deserve that. I make everything harder for people. So leave. Leave right this fucking instant, because it'll be better for you. I promise." Remus was gasping for breath and he was shaking so hard that if he'd been holding anything, it would have smashed by now. He shouldn't have said that much, he should have just left it and let Sirius think he was an awful person.

"Remus, sit down," Sirius said, his voice tense but reassuring in a way, at least he hadn't left yet.

"You have to leave, Sirius. I'm going to fuck it all up."

"No you're not. Just sit down. I do whatever I want, you can't tell me what to do. But, I think it'd be best if you sat down because you're going to collapse in a minute. Let me talk now, okay?"

"Okay."  
"Thank you. None of what you said last night was okay, and that will never be okay, and I was ready to just leave. I still am, I can't do anything toxic relationship, Remus. My entire family was shit, a lot of friends too. I've done things like you did last night, I'm fucked up too, it's okay. But, I'm not an abuser, but neither are you, you're not some horrible monster, you're n—"

"I am though, Sirius. The whole reason that relationship went so badly is because I wasn't good enough. Sirius, you're brilliant, absolutely brilliant, your family is awful and I would probably murder them for you, but I just wasn't enough for Gilderoy, and, and I'm certain it was my fault, not his. I've been thinking about it, and he doesn't think it's abuse, so it must have been me, it mu—"

"Remus, stop. That doesn't make any sense. Abusers never think it's them. That's the whole point, Remus. You know this. Come on. If this was a friend of yours, you would tell them that there's nothing wrong with them. There's nothing wrong with you, Remus. His abuse wasn't your fault. Breathe. Also, I meant sit on the couch, not the floor, but that works too."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Remus. You've gotta stop with the apologising."  
"Sor—, oh, uh, not sorry?"

"Do you believe me?"

Remus couldn't answer that. Of course he didn't believe Sirius, he was broken, it was his fault, it shouldn't be Sirius comforting Remus after Remus had hurt him, that shouldn't be how it worked.

"You shouldn't have to help me."  
"Jesus Christ, Remus! I want to help. I want to be a part of your life. Can't you see that? I'm in your house and I've been here so many times since we've met. How does that not show you that I want to be part of you life?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Sirius. I will, I will hurt you. You shouldn't have to deal with this."  
"Remus, I want to. Okay? I want to deal with this. I want to help you. I want this. I want more than this."

Remus was taken aback for a moment, more than this, what did that mean? He wasn't sure, but even this seemed like it would end up hurting Sirius and there was nothing he wanted less than that. Maybe if he knew that he'd never have an outburst like that again, maybe if he knew that his anxiety and his fibro wouldn't affect Sirius, he would be more willing to let him in.

"Sirius, I can't let you get hurt. I can't. Especially not by me."

"You've not even known me a month, why do you care?"

"Why do you care? You told me you wouldn't, you told me that night that you wouldn't care, so why do you?"  
"Because you're one of the most brilliant people I've met! Why do you think? Do you think I care because I'm an idiot? Because I'm not. Remus, I know what I want, and I know how to work out who I want to have a relationship with. If I didn't want to make this work, I wouldn't have come to James and Lily's today. I would have just left."  
"Maybe you should have."  
"Enough with the should and shouldn't!" Sirius yelled, clenching his hands, and now he was standing up, looking as if he were in so much pain. Remus didn't want to be the cause of that pain, but maybe, maybe that would be better in the end.

"I just don't want to hurt you again," Remus said, his voice soft, looking up at Sirius for the first time. He'd never been below Sirius, as he was the taller of the two. He knew his voice was shaking, and he knew he looked weak, but he hoped that Sirius knew that it was the truth. He didn't want to hurt him again.

"I know you don't. I know you don't. But I know I hurt you too, that night when I told you I wouldn't care. I know this has all be confusing, but can we try?"  
"Try what?"

"To be friends? To be something? To be anything?"

"Anything? What's anything?" Remus asked, standing up now, he didn't like sitting while Sirius was standing, now they were almost face to face and Remus knew his expression was confused, but Sirius looked calmer than he had the entire day.

"Exactly what it sounds like. I don't care. I just don't want to give up just yet. Can we get over this? Because yes, I was hurt, and yes, I was prepared to walk out, but you had a perfectly reasonable explanation and right now, I'd be rather more inclined to go punch Gilderoy than to leave you, he clea—"

"Oh! He, uh, he kissed me. Which is when I finally pushed him away. I wish he didn't live so close, it'd make everything a whole lot easier."

"He what? That's assault. I can, I will call the police. Do you want me to? Because that's fucking assault. You've got to tell James, Rem. Please? I will find Gilderoy and I will do a lot worse than punch him."

"Don't call anyone, Sirius. And don't go getting in any fights with him, he emwillem call the police and I don't want that."

"He deserves to be arrested. He abuses you, and now he does this? If he comes anywhere near you again, I am calling the police, okay?"  
"Sirius," Remus protested with a sigh, "Does this mean we're okay?"

"Only if you want to be."

"I suppose so."  
"Are you sure?"

"No, not really. This scares me a lot. I've known James, Pete and the rest since I was a kid. I haven't had a new friend in years. It freaks me out completely."

"Let's try?"

"Yeah, let's try."


	12. That's The Strangest Sounding Word

"I didn't think you'd be an early riser," Remus commented as he walked into the living room, where Sirius was up and fully immersed in something on his phone.  
"You're not meant to be up this early on your holiday!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up from his seat on the couch.  
"Habit, I suppose?" Remus gave a sheepish smile. He hadn't planned to wake up so early, five in the morning wasn't exactly the world's idea of a sleep in, but it almost felt like one to him. And anyway, as soon as he'd heard Sirius walking around in the kitchen, he'd figured it was rude to just let your guest wander around by himself.  
"Well, you should go back to bed and sleep. SLEEP. Are you telling me that you didn't even laze around in bed for at least half an hour before getting up?"  
"I suppose that's exactly what I'm telling you."  
"You're a madman, a complete madman. An idiot in fact. It's the beginning of your holiday and you're not spending hours in bed! Ridiculous man!" Sirius was parading around, hands flung up into the air. Hands that were almost covered by the sleeves of the shirt he had borrowed from Remus. Remus who thought Sirius looked quite endearing, with his tired eyes, scandalised tone and too big top, he'd borrowed from Remus. It was all very amusing and certainly one of the best Christmas presents he had ever received before.

"Shit! It's Christmas!" Remus interrupted, eyes wide and almost frightened.  
"It is indeed, but why is that shit?"  
"Don't you want to go do all sorts of fun Christmas things? Go celebrate with your cousin? Friends? Party? I don't know, but surely you want to do something."  
"Remus, it's five in the bloody morning, no one wants to do very much at that time. So even if I did want to go do all that, it would wait for several hours at least." Sirius stopped his parading in front of Remus, leaning against the couch. "But as it turns out, I don't particularly want to do any of those things, so there we go. Now, what would you like to do today? And is there any particular time you'd like me to leave?"  
"What do you want to do? Nevermind me, I don't really care."  
"Well, that would all depend on what you'd like to do," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes and propping himself up onto the back on the couch.  
"Well, that's just very rude then, isn't it?"  
"How is that rude? I just want to make sure you have a good Christmas."  
"Well, I had planned to be alone, and thinking you'd never forgive me, so it's already much better than I thought it'd be," Remus's tone was lighthearted, but he knew that however he said it, it was a dark kind of joke.

By now though, Remus figured everyone knew exactly what his type of humour consisted of. Everyone including Sirius. So it came as a surprise when Sirius reached forward and wrapped his arms around Remus. It took a moment for Remus to react, and he finally knew why in movies people always paused before returning a hug. He'd always wondered about that, but now it was obvious, there were just some times when it was such a surprise to be touched at all, let alone hugged.

It was only brief, both of them stepped back, both with slightly self conscious smiles, though Remus wasn't exactly sure why because it certainly wasn't the first time they'd hugged since meeting. And god, it wasn't even like they didn't often touch. They'd both been delighted when they'd found that the other didn't mind physical contact, though Remus knew Sirius had been surprised. It wasn't often the shy ones that craved casual touch, and that was certainly what Remus was.

—

The morning had been significantly more comfortable after the hug, though Remus didn't know why. Maybe it was just confirmation that Sirius really did want to be there, despite what Remus would think. Nevertheless, he had been glad when they'd spent the morning talking about previous Christmases. Mostly it had been Remus telling Sirius all about James's attempts to get Lily under mistletoe, dating all the way back to when they first met. Sirius had stories about all sorts of pranks he'd pull at his parents Christmas parties when he knew he would get away with it. All in all, the morning wasn't short of laughter.

The laughter came to a halt though, when at about half past seven, Sirius asked about breakfast.

"So, what's the plan for Christmas breakfast? Do we have an abundance of red and green pastries?" Sirius asked, still sprawled across the back of the couch.  
"I've honestly got no idea what the plan for Christmas breakfast is. I don't think I've ever really thought about it." Remus shrugged from his spot on the armrest. They'd both stuck with their theme of not sitting on furniture, or anything, properly.  
"You've not thought about Christmas breakfast?" Sirius asked, one hand over his heart, the other pressed against his forehead. "I would have thought food was the main thing pastry chefs think of."  
"The correct term is pâtissier."  
"Fiiiiiiine," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes but grinning all the while. "I would have thought a pâtissier would think of food all the time."  
"Look at me!" Remus gestured to the lanky thing that was his body. "Do you think food is my main priority?"

He knew that he defied most expectations of bakers and pâtissiers. They all did, James, Dorcas, Peter and him. It wasn't often that people picked a bunch of 19 year olds to run and own a bakery. He knew that he was definitely not the typical choice. Usually owners of a bakery weren't lanky, broke 19 year old boys with mental issues. Usually they weren't struggling to live, and usually they weren't desperately hiding that fact from their friends.  
But whether or not he was the typical choice, he was in fact the owner of the bakery, and he was in fact the person that ran it.

"It looks like it should be your main priority," Sirius commented after a moment's pause, cutting off Remus's thoughts. "You're practically a stick. You definitely need a good Christmas breakfast. Come on! Surely, you've got some stuff we can make a small feast out of."  
Sirius jumped off the back of the couch and made his way to what Remus called his kitchen.  
"I wouldn't count on it," Remus muttered under his breath, arching an eyebrow at Sirius who was positively bounding across the room.

Remus wished he's thought to get some sort of food for today, something to have just in case anyone came over. But he'd never expected to have guests, certainly not Sirius. Usually he understood that everyone had places they needed to go on Christmas, and so he'd assumed the same for Sirius. Even last night, he'd figured that Sirius would leave early, far too early for food to be a problem.

Reluctantly, he slid off from his spot on the armrest and walked the few steps to the "kitchen". Really it wasn't much of a kitchen, or anything. There was a bench along the wall, just long enough to fit a chopping board and bowl — he'd checked. Cupboards lined what space was above and below. To the right there was a pantry and fridge, and to the left there was a stove and oven squeezed in. It wasn't much, and it was certainly nothing to prepare major Christmas breakfasts with, but it was something and he knew that was far, far better than nothing.

"Sirius! Let me survey the food supply? Step back, ey?" Remus suggested tentatively, reaching out an arm to stop Sirius, but he was too late and Sirius had flung open the pantry door an excited light in his eyes the entire time. Sirius really was an exceedingly beautiful man, though Remus didn't want to admit that he thought that, but truly, how could anyone think anything else?

"This is your food supply?" The excitement had faded off Sirius's expression and he was now staring at Remus, aghast. "Remus!" he exclaimed, though it was barely an exclamation, it was more like he had been struck with horror. He looked very much like something had sprung out of the pantry, and had told him the world was coming to an end.

And even with such a horrified expression on Sirius's face, the only response Remus could give was a slightly apologetic shrug before casting his eyes downwards. He silently cursed himself, there was no possible way he could explain it in a positive way without lying. And that was another thing Remus had recently discovered about Sirius, he was adept at knowing when anyone was lying. Remus supposed that tied in with how Sirius had grown up, and so while he knew it was a helpful skill, he wished Sirius didn't have to go through such torture to obtain it. But at the moment it wasn't Sirius he was worried about, or rather, it was, but it was in a completely different way.

"Remus? Why is your pantry all but empty? Please tell me that I'm going to open the fridge and find it full to the brim of all sorts of food."  
"You know I can't tell you that."  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius's voice was calm and quiet, and Remus knew that it wasn't pitying, but he couldn't help but want to tell the other boy that he didn't need pity and fake sympathy. It was a struggle to force it down, but he couldn't hurt Sirius again. So he managed to quiet the urge, and simply shrugged instead.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius asked again as he closed the pantry door and proceeded to lean back against it.  
"It's not always like this. I'm fine. I just haven't had the time," Remus deflected. Technically, he wasn't lying. He hadn't had the time, he really hadn't. Things had been busy closing up the shop and he'd been fine living on what he had. Lunch was taken care of by being at the bakery, and often breakfast as well. When there were leftovers, that was. But he was fine, he knew he was. He'd not died or been even slightly sick with anything other than his fibro. Maybe that would be enough to sate Sirius's questioning, maybe he would just leave it alone. Remus didn't think so, but it would be worth a try at least, if it worked then they could have a few more pleasant hours together. And he did want that, he really did enjoy being with Sirius.

"You wouldn't tell me you were fine if you were. People only ever say they're "fine" if they're not. You know that. I don't know how many times you've acted as someone's therapist, but I know that it's more than you can count."  
Sirius seemed so casual, leaning against the pantry, arms crossed, eyes focused on Remus. Remus could feel Sirius's stare burn into him, and yet, he knew that it wasn't taking any effort from Sirius at all. He knew that it was as easy as breathing. It was easy for Sirius to capture people, to make them listen. Both boys knew it, and Remus admired it, he admired the way that Sirius was so open, and yet didn't how anything he didn't want to. It was an amazing skill, one Remus wished he could master. However, at this particular point, he wasn't so fond of the gaze coming from Sirius that was making him more and more inclined to look up from the particularly fascinating spot on the floor.

There was silence for a few minutes, and neither of them moved. It certainly wasn't the comfortable silence that Remus often craved. It definitely wasn't the peaceful silence that Remus had always said was the mark of a good friendship. No, this was an extraordinarily tense silence, neither one of them wanting to give in. Sirius wanting answers, Remus wanting to brush it aside.

"It's Christmas Moonyyyyyy," Sirius whined, finally giving in and wrapping an arm around Remus's shoulders, despite having to stand on the tips of his toes to reach. "Don't ignore me, please?"  
"Oh thank fuck. I don't think I could have beared the silence for much longer."  
"Are you telling me that I should have just waited a couple more minutes and you would have given in?"  
"I suppose so?"  
"Shit!"  
"Really though, annwyl, I am fine. Things aren't as bad as they look."  
"But things aren't good either, are they?"  
"No, I suppose they're not."  
"You suppose?"  
"I suppose."  
"You're terrible! Absolutely terrible!"  
"Yet, you're still here."  
"Goodness, maybe I shouldn't be." Sirius shook his head, before tugging at a strand of his hair.

"What does anw— whatever you said, mean anyway?"  
"Nothing important," Remus replied, finally looking up from the floor, smirking slightly.  
"Liar, it most certainly doesn't mean "nothing important". What does it mean?"  
"You'll have to find that one out yourself."  
"Vraiment?"  
"Yes, really," Remus nodded, a flash of a grin appearing before it vanished just as quickly.  
"You really are terrible."  
"You already knew that."  
"Are you telling me that it's my fault?"  
"Ydy."  
"That is the strangest sounding word I've ever heard."  
"Surely French is stranger than that?"  
"Absolument pas."

The only response Sirius got was Remus shaking his head before turning away from the kitchen, heading back to his room.  
"Well, since there's no food here, do you think anything will be open?" he asked, half turning back to Sirius as he walked.  
"Probably not, but you can come meet my cousin?" Sirius suggested, still leaning against the pantry.  
Remus's eyes widened at the suggestion and he came to a halt, fully turning to face Sirius now. He'd not been prepared for any form of socialising, he'd only just managed to adjust himself to the idea that Sirius was staying for awhile.

"You won't be intruding. Look, I'll ask her now and if she says no, we'll work out something else. Okay?"  
"Siri—"  
"Remus, come on. Let's just try? Go get dressed, have a shower, do whatever you need to do. It'll be fine. Stop stressing."  
"Okay. Okay, sure." Remus agreed with a slight nod.

Author's Notes: Translations -

Annwyl - dear/darling  
Ydy (pronounced UD-ee) - yes


	13. The Overwhelming Urge To Apologise

They were waiting for Sirius's cousin to open the door and Remus was close to petrified. He wasn't all too sure how he'd ended up agreeing to actually go to Sirius's cousin's house. How he could have let himself be convinced into that, he wasn't entirely sure. But there they were, rugged up, Sirius with presents in hand, waiting for Sirius's cousin to open the door.

There'd been a muffled yell of "Coming!" when they'd knocked, much to Remus' disappointment. He'd half hoped that she wouldn't be there. But she was, and apparently knew that they were coming. Her name was Andromeda. _Andromeda_.

Clearly, Sirius' family had some sort of an obsession with space. Sirius, Andromeda, Remus wouldn't be surprised if one of them was called _Bellatrix._ He'd had his own obsession with space when he was little, but now he'd know never to name his child after a constellation. If he ever had one, that was. It wasn't too likely, the whole asexual thing considered and all. But who knew? Certainly not him.

He was startled out of his thoughts by the door being opened by a bright eyed woman, who looked to be a few years older than him. Immediately she was ushering them in and wrapping her arms around Sirius, with a slightly admonishing "you said you'd be back yesterday evening!"

Sirius almost looked guilty at that, an emotion Remus had never thought attractive before, but as with everything, Sirius looked as beautiful as ever.

"Sorry, I think that was my fault. I didn't know he was expected back." Remus too, looked somewhat guilty, shifting from foot to foot nervously. He didn't really know what to expect of Andromeda, and he certainly didn't know her opinion on strange broke boys who her cousin invites over at less than two hours notice. But she didn't seem to be overly fazed, rather, she seemed quite pleased with it all.

"He didn't tell you? Well, that's certainly not your fault then," Andromeda replied, smiling kindly. It was a completely different smile to Sirius' many, but they resembled each other closely, Remus would have picked them as brother and sister before cousins. "I'm assuming you're Remus. It's good to finally meet the boy Sirius has continually been talking about for the p—"

Andromeda was cut off by a noise very similar to a screech coming from Sirius, who was — was he blushing? Remus couldn't be sure, but it looked as if the ever composed, extravagant, Freddie Mercury-like, king of suave, Sirius Black had _screeched_.

Remus had heard Sirius laugh, he'd heard him scream and yell, he'd heard him yelp in pain, he'd heard him angry, sad, happy, frustrated, sleepless but up until then, nothing even close to a _screech_ had ever come out of Sirius' mouth.

"Are you quite alright, Sirius?" Andromeda asked, her eyes more than just bright now, they were glinting mischievously.

"Andy!" Sirius sputtered, yet another thing that Remus hadn't seen him do before. All in all, it was turning out to be an amusing Christmas.

"Yes, my dear cousin?"

"I would like to have a _nice_ Christmas. Please?"

"If you let me continue, it will be a nice Christmas."

"How about no?"

Andromeda didn't get a chance to reply however, because at that moment, a girl who Remus figured must have been about six or seven came speeding out of the other room, clutching a guitar in one hand and a notebook in the other. Remus couldn't help but smile as she dropped the notebook and latched onto Sirius' hand, tugging and tugging as Sirius and Andromeda continued something close to a stare off, both of them desperately trying not to laugh.

"Uncle Sirius! I got a guitar for Christmas, will you teach me?"

"Hey, Explorer!" Sirius replied, breaking eye contact with Andromeda. "Of course I'll teach you, maybe not right now though. Okay?"

"Okay, sure."

"That's a pretty awesome guitar you've got there though. Good Christmas present?"  
"Mhm, definitely."

"He's been talking about you for something close to three weeks now," Andromeda said quietly, walking over to Remus while Sirius was distracted with the girl and her guitar.

"Me? Are, are you sure?" Remus managed to choke out, not quite sure how to react. He'd been fine when it was just a joke, he'd been fine watching Sirius and Andromeda tease each other, he'd been fine watching Sirius interact with the girl, but this wasn't fine, not really. Why had Sirius been talking about him? Just him, not James and everyone?

"I'm very, very sure. I believe your middle name is John and you have millions of books. I've heard a little about your friends, but it's mostly been about you. I'm sure Dora — she's the kid, my daughter — knows a bunch about you too."

"Well, I hope whatever you've heard about me hasn't bored you half to death. And thank you for having me over on Christmas, it's really kind of you."

"I wasn't going to say no! Goodness, it's Christmas. I wanted to meet you anyway. But, let's move away from the front door and make sure that Sirius and Dora aren't already planning how to destroy the house."

"Hey! I heard that," Sirius said, standing up from the floor and glaring at Andromeda with his hands on his hips.

"Did you hear the rest?" Remus asked, somewhat nervously. How, how, and _why_ had Sirius been talking about him so much?  
"No, were you insulting me then too? I should have known not to bring you, the two of you combined are just too evil."

"I've heard a lot about Remus, but so far evil hasn't been a description."  
"Okay, enough's enough. Let's do some actually Christmas stuff. Let me get the rest of the presents out of my room and you can all open them," Sirius said, rolling his eyes at his cousin, pulling his hand away from Dora's gently and motioning for Remus to follow him all at the same time.

_Note to self: Sirius is very good at multitasking_, Remus thought, shaking his head slightly before following Sirius up a set of stairs.

—

"So, good sir, what do you think of my cousin and her sprog?"

"I think that once I get to know her, Andromeda is a lot like you. Dora's a cute kid too."

"Are you one of those people that melts in front of any kid though?"  
Remus rolled his eyes and sat himself down on Sirius' bed as the other boy went rummaging around for presents.

"So, that's a yes then?"

"To be quite honest, I don't spend enough time with kids to know."

Sirius turned back to face Remus at that, a look of shock on his face, "Really?"

"It'd be a strange thing to lie about, don't you think?"

The shocked expression certainly didn't leave Sirius' face after that, and Remus almost burst out laughing. But with the skilled control he had over his facial expressions, he managed to keep a straight face.

_Not that anything about him was straight_.

"Fine, Mr Sarcasm, let's go down and find out just how much good old Andy is like me."

"Wouldn't it be the other way 'round. Considering you're younger?"

"Oh shut up."

"Just stating the facts!" Remus called out as Sirius ran down the stairs. It took a moment for him to register the fact that he had actually yelled in someone else's house. Clearly it had surprised Sirius too, because as Remus walked to the doorway, he could see Sirius standing halfway down the staircase, eyes wide.

"Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my Remus?" Sirius asked, still frozen in place. Remus meanwhile, was shocked too, by both the fact that he had yelled in Andromeda's home, and by Sirus' _My Remus. _

"I honestly have no clue. I'm still the same person though, because I'm now filled with the overwhelming urge to apologise," Remus replied, tugging on the sleeve of his jumper nervously.

"Andy won't care, don't worry. Come on then, we're not spending Christmas on the staircase."

"What won't Andy care about? Have you broken something?" Andromeda asked, hands on hips, walking to the bottom of the staircase. Remus noted that they were now almost perfectly aligned, one of them at the top, one in the middle and then at the bottom. He pushed down the urge to ask Sirius to take a step to the right, just so they'd all be in line. "I was just about to come and get you, Christmas isn't for spending locked up in rooms. Every other day, sure, but not Christmas."

"We're coming down now, and no, nothing's broken. Remus yelled out to me and now we've both gone into shock because he would barely yell in his own home let alone someone else 's."

"Oh, well then you're right. I don't give a fuck— oh shit— no wait. No swearing. I'm so bad at this, good lord."

"If you ask some people, they'd count "good lord" as swearing too," Remus commented, having made his way silently halfway down the stairs so he was now standing next to Sirius.

Sirius turned to Remus, one hand running through his hair, the other resting against Remus' forehead, "Are you feeling sick, or is it just the Christmas mo—"

"Shut up," Remus brushed Sirius' hand off his head and made his way down the stairs, now standing next to Andromeda who had been looking on amused.

"Feisty, isn't he?" Sirius asked Andromeda, perching himself on the banister and attempting to slide down it.

"Ouch! Shit! Bad idea!" Sirius groaned as he fell off the banister, hitting his head on a step.

"I didn't know it was humanly possible to stand around a staircase talking for so long. Please, let's move into the living room. And Sirius, I know you're young and stupid, but you're only meant to do things like that when you're drunk," Andromeda said, amusement threading through her tone as she began to walk awy, not waiting for a response, just walking.

It was definitely a quality that Remus admired in the cousins. The nonchalance of it all. The ease in the way they walked. The entire way they presented themselves, Remus supposed. It certainly wasn't something learnt, it was definitely something the two of them were born with, he just knew it. But however unfair it was, it was definitely admirable. So he did his best to not act too awkward as he followed the both of them into the living room where Dora was happily drawing in a sketchbook.

"Hey," Remus had made his was to the little girl immediately, "Dora, right?" he asked. He may not melt in front of every child he met, but he found them fascinating in a way, though it was the same for everyone. They were less of a threat, Remus supposed, and they were intelligent. Hell, they were intelligent, so many of them were so much smarter than they were given credit for.

"Yep, I'm Dora. And you're Sirius' boyfriend."

Remus couldn't help but splutter a little at that, "Ah, er, no, no. Just his friend, just his friend," he managed to say, a blush rapidly spreading across his face, much to his annoyance.

It wasn't until he thought back over the day that night that he noticed Sirius flinched, ever so slightly at Remus' words.

"Oh, okay then. What's your name? Are you here for Christmas?" Dora asked, still not looking up from her drawing, not that Remus minded.

"I'm Remus. And yeah, I guess I am."

"What do you mean you guess?" Sirius asked from his spot in an armchair, "You're practically stuck here. I drove you after all."

"Are you threatening this lovely man?" Andromeda asked, a sparkle in her eyes, and now Remus could _really_ see the similarities between her and Sirius.

All sharp edges and striking eyes, once you got close enough to notice them. Andromeda was softer than Sirius though, her hair brown rather than black. Her eyes a blue-grey and wide, rather than Sirius' steel. But the most noticeable similarity was the way that both their faces looked so completely smug when they had a "plan". Neither of them would be trusted by teachers, not with that look.

"Why is it you'll call him a man, and yet I'm "young and stupid"? I'm older than him anyway," Sirius asked, sitting upside down in the chair now.

"It's obvious Sirius, fy nghariad. I'm far more mature than you."

Andromeda laughed loudly before directing a comment at the rather disgruntled Sirius, "I like this one, you should definitely keep him."

It was to that, that Sirius finally laughed, though not as freely as Andromeda. Remus wondered if that was how Sirius would laugh if he was ever truly happy.

But other than Sirius' laugh, there was nothing special about the sentence, yet Remus still found himself blushing for the second time of many that day.

—

It was surprisingly relaxed at Andromeda's.

Andromeda, who Remus had taken to calling Andy at her insistence, was a lovely, brilliant women. He thought that she and Lily would get along well. Both of them strong-minded, funny and interested, and indeed invested in the most bizarre TV shows. Andromeda's husband, Ted came back at some time around 11:30 with enough food to last them several weeks. Apparently Ted himself cooked only the essentials, but helped a friend of his run some restaurants so was given plenty of food, free of charge as a Christmas present. Remus couldn't help but smile at the kindness of it all. They were certainly some of the kindest people he'd ever met.

All in all, it really was a lovely experience. Remus couldn't lie, he had spent at least an hour and a half just playing games with Dora, who he had begun calling "Enaid bach", after Ted had asked him where his accent was from and then Dora had asked what "Welsh sounded like anyway".

Ted himself was Portuguese, which explained him not knowing what a Welsh accent was. Remus didn't know much about Portugal, so the two had spoken about their respective countries for awhile. Ted was amazed by Remus' fluency in both languages, because he barely spoke the basics of Portuguese.

—

"So, are you boys staying the night?" Ted asked, halfway through dinner. Remus immediately turned to Sirius for an answer. He'd honestly not expected to stay so long in the first place. If someone had asked him at the beginning of the visit how long he'd assume they would be staying, the answer would have been more like "a couple of hours" than "oh, we'll stay the night". But to his surprise, he wasn't all that fussed with the idea of staying longer than expected. It was just strange. He'd thought that Andromeda and Ted would rather have them out, or really, Remus out.

"I mean, it would make sense. Seeing as we're already here," Sirius offered, meeting Remus' gaze before looking back to Andromeda and Ted.

"Well, it'd be good to know where you were for a night, Sirius. And Remus, it's been lovely to having you. You may as well stay. I hate to say this, because it'll just inflate his ego, but Sirius is right. You're already here," Andromeda replied, smiling slightly at both boys.

Remus nodded quickly, "Yeah, alright. Not too much trouble for you?"

"We won't even be doing anything," Andromeda said at the same time as Ted said, "No trouble, not at all."

The two shared a laugh together and while it was sweet and kind, it was so different to the type of love Remus had experienced. Second hand of course, he thought, somewhat bitterly. He couldn't help but wonder if Andromeda and Ted had ever been as sickeningly in love as James and Lily, as Marlene and Dorcas, and he supposed, as himself and Gilderoy, though that was another experience all together. Did that passionate, constant sweetness, the fieriness of it, did that fade? Or was theirs just a different love to begin with? Remus wasn't sure he wanted the answer. There was a chance that out of his options, it could be the former and Remus _really_ did not want to think about that.

Sirius seemed to notice that Remus' thoughts had drifted to less than pleasant places. And in an instant, there was a hand on Remus' knee. It was comforting in the strangest sense of the word. It had Remus feeling odd. Thankful for whatever it was that he and Sirius had, but it also left him wanting more. More of what? He didn't know. He had absolutely no clue in the slightest. Nevertheless, he let his own hand come to rest on top of Sirius' and the rest of dinner was pleasant.

Even when Dora laughed so hard she choked on the water she was drinking.

After dinner, they all followed Dora back to the living room. This was where she paraded around with all her drawings, Sirius threw her up in the air, Ted cautioned them to be careful and Andromeda and Remus were left to laughing and talking amongst themselves. Andromeda was an incredibly interesting woman, Remus found out. They'd spoken about her education, they spoke briefly about her family — she had two sisters and Remus got the sense that she'd rather not talk about that subject. They spoke about her job, she was a social worker, working with children and teenagers in particular. It was fascinating, a job that Remus had considered, but then the bakery came along and that was that. Overall, she was particularly good at keeping a conversation going, a trait which Remus was incredibly relieved by.

Eventually, 7:30 came around and everyone said goodnight to Dora. Ted and Andromeda going up to tuck her in. Remus thought it was all wonderfully domestic, reminding him a little of his own childhood. It was a comforting process, for him as an adult, though he knew that he, like most kids had never been too fond of the whole bedtime thing. Surprisingly pleasant memories stopped as soon as he noticed that Sirius seemed to be having no such memories, quite the opposite actually, a darker look taking place on Sirius' face.

Remus was pleased that whatever the relationship that the two of them had created allowed them to comfort each other, usually non-verbally, because it meant that he could stand up from his place on the floor, stalk over to Sirius on his armchair, push him off, sit behind him and begin to braid his hair. It had been one evening when Sirius had come back to Remus' apartment when Remus had first tentatively reached out to run his hand through Sirius' hair and had been pleasantly surprised when Sirius turned around to grin at him, then asked if Remus knew how to braid. Years of being friends with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas had ensured that Remus knew how to braid and now it was something of a comfort for the both of them. Remus liked having something to do with his hands, and Sirius was completely obsessed with his hair.

Neither of them spoke about these moments, but both accepted them and both knew that the other was eternally grateful. It was just a pattern they'd slipped into. Remus didn't think more of it than putting it down to caring about the other person. Neither boy noticed the look that Andromeda and Ted shared as they walked back into the room. This time they came without Dora and with wine.

"Do try not to get drunk on the wine, Sirius," Andromeda began as she poured the glasses. "Remus, I trust you to know how to control yourself?" she asked, a grin spread across her face.

"Of course. Of course."

—

"Merry Christmas, Remus," Sirius said once it was just the two of them in Sirius' room. It was past 11:00 and everyone had just headed up to bed and for the first time, the thought that there was only one bed occurred to Remus. Sure, it was a big bed, certainly big enough for the two of them. But there was only _one_. _One_ bed. For the _two_ of them.

Normally, Remus wouldn't mind. He was all for abolishing toxic masculinity, which included the whole "men don't share beds thing", it annoyed him when it was more convenient to just share. The extent people went to, to not "act gay" was ridiculous. He'd shared beds with most of his friends, but this was _Sirius_. And he wasn't sure why it was different, but it was.

"Merry Christmas, Sirius," Remus replied, sitting cross legged on the edge of the bed, staring determinedly down at his hands as Sirius changed into pajamas. "Thank you for this, it means a lot."

"Idiotic wanker, you think I was going to let you starve on Christmas? Next you'll be breaking James' heart by saying that you don't want to celebrate on your birthday —"

"Well actually, that's a very valid p—."

"Now you're just being stupid. You're welcome for today, alright? It's been the best Christmas in a long time for me, so don't worry about it."

"I am not!"

"Yeah, you are. Come on, Rem, really?"

Remus wasn't exactly sure where the courage came from, but instead of a reply, he sent a pillow flying towards Sirius.

"Hey!"

"Yes?" Remus asked, crossed legs on the bed, smiling sweetly up at Sirius.

"Disrespecting me in my own home?"

A sly grin crossed over Remus' face, "Technically, it's Andromeda's home. You're just a guest. I'm certain she wouldn't mind."

"That's it!" Sirius announced, launching himself on top of Remus before the other boy had a chance to think.

This time it was Remus' turn to protest, though he was a lot more muffled than Sirius had been. "Get off! Sirius!"


	14. That's What Friends Are For, Right?

Remus wasn't sure what to think when he woke up early on Boxing Day morning in a bed that most certainly wasn't his own, and not just _next_ to Sirius, but with Sirius curled around him. It wasn't exactly a position Remus could get out of without disturbing Sirius, and he absolutely did not want to do that. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable, but it was just a little odd. It was already strange attempting to fall asleep last night, with Sirius so close to him, their breaths so, so very close to matching. Not that Remus was paying attention, of course.

But now, with Sirius wrapped around him, Remus curled into some sort of ball, and the surprising lack of anxiety, Remus couldn't help but wonder. He knew that if he didn't accept it, he'd overthink the lack of anxiety into a panic attack, and that would just be a bad start to the morning. He'd definitely be disturbing Sirius then.

So he didn't do anything, he just lay there, thinking back over Christmas. It had been a good day. It had been more than that though. It wasn't just that it was good, it was probably one of the best Christmases he'd had. And definitely the best since he was much younger. Sure, James' favourites were probably the more recent ones, James particularly favoured the alcohol. But other than yesterday, Remus' fondest memories of Christmas were probably from when he was thirteen.

He wondered what Sirius' plans for the day were. Would he have the time to drop Remus home? Or would Remus have to find his way home on public transport? He didn't particularly mind, he certainly wasn't going to _ask_ Sirius to take him home, though Sirius would probably prefer that. But Sirius had already done so much for him, he couldn't possibly ask for anything else. Except maybe for Sirius to come to Dorcas' birthday party. Which was definitely something Remus needed to sort out.

So many things that he needed to sort out. But mostly, he needed to not think about all those things until he wasn't next to a sleeping Sirius.

—

Luckily for Remus, it was only just over ten minutes before Sirius woke up. And it was as Sirius woke up, all yawns, arching backs and a muffled "g'mornin' Rem", that Remus realised he'd never actually been the one who was awake first. At James and Lily's it had been Sirius, on Christmas morning it had been Sirius too. It was probably the fact that he was in a new place, that made him wake up so early. He'd been seventeen before he could even sleep a little at someone else's house, before that he would always bring a torch and a book and just read. It made for sleepy mornings, but that was all he could do.

"Morning Sirius."

"Morning," Sirius replied, turning onto his side to face Remus.

"Christmas is over."

"Nope. Not until Boxing Day is over." Sirius grinned, brushing his hair back from his face. "Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day are all Christmas. S'all Christmas!"

"All Christmas, huh?" Remus raising an eyebrow. "You sound like drunk James."

"I forget, you haven't seen me drunk yet, have you?"

"No, I haven't. Should I be scared?"  
"You should have been scared when I was in your bakery at two in the morning."

"So, yes?"

"Oh, absolutely."

"I've no doubt it'll happen one day." Remus sat up, grinning down at Sirius.

He wasn't sure what it was about Sirius, but there was something that made him hope, hope to know him forever. He would like that, he knew he would. To know Sirius forever, that would certainly be interesting. He couldn't imagine Sirius growing old, he couldn't imagine him as anything else other than an excitable twenty-year-old with flashing eyes and a sharp sense of humour. He used to feel the same way about James and Peter. They would always be young in his mind, no matter how hard he tried to picture them as old and grey. He could never picture them as anything older than thirty. Lily was the same. Dorcas and Marlene were the only ones he could imagine, they'd have a home filled with cats and kids, still holding hands, probably still in period gowns. But who knows if he'd still know them. He had no idea if he would know any of these people in a year's time, but he hoped he would.

"Where've you gone?"

"Gone?"

"You completely drifted off just then. You alright?" Sirius asked, only now sitting up to face Remus.

"Yeah." Remus nodded, smiling ever so slightly. "Yeah, I think I am."

"Well, that's good. Because Christmas isn't over yet, and we're going to have an amazingly brilliant day."

"Are we?"

"Of course!"

"Well then, we'd better get started?"

"Absolutely. But be warned, Nymphadora wakes up almost as early as you, but she's far more energetic."

"Nymphadora?"  
"Dora's full name. She hates it," Sirius replied, smiling fondly.

"I don't blame her."

"I mean, you got stuck with Remus, I got stuck with Sirius and she got Nymphadora. We could start a club."  
"That should absolutely be a thing." Remus grinned, there were few things he loved more than watching people get excited over random ideas. "Let's wait 'til she's older and actually knows how a club works."

"That's a good idea. We'll start a club when she's eleven, maybe."

"Eleven…" Remus drifted off. Five years away that was. And here they were, sitting in bed, planning five years in advance. Something Remus desperately wanted to do, but he wouldn't dare. Couldn't dare. That was just planning for failure. Wasn't it?

"Five years away, I know. I'll be twenty-five then, Rem! We'll be old!"

"I'm not sure that is exactly what old means," Remus replied, but he could help the laughter that escaped him.

"It's exactly what it means, love. We'll be old. And do you think we'll still be celebrating in Andromeda's guest bedroom?"  
"I sure hope not. Hopefully you'll have your own apartment and we'll be celebrating there," Remus commented without actually stopping to think about what he was saying. When he _did _realise, a bright blush spread across his face and he buried his face in his hands. Not under any false assumptions of any other reason as to why Sirius had stayed quiet.

When he finally looked up out of his hands, he saw that Sirius was also blushing, though to a much lesser extent. And of course, he managed to look attractive even when blushing.

"Me too, actually," Sirius whispered, not quite looking at Remus.

—

"Good morning boys," Andromeda greeted them as they walked into the kitchen, both showered and dressed. Neither of them had spoken about either of their comments, instead jumping onto their plans for the day.

"Morning Andy," they said in unison, sharing a quick smile before Sirius walked over to hug his cousin.

"What've the two of you got planned for the day?"

"So many things that I think we won't get anything done. Though Sirius seems to think we've got about eighty hours in a day," Remus answered, grinning over at the boy who was busy making toast.

"Ah, that'd be Sirius. It's great fun seeing just how many things you can do in a day, no matter how ridiculous. Give it a shot, it'll be worth it," Andromeda suggested, shaking her head slightly. Remus didn't miss the look that she gave Ted though, even if she thought he did. It was a look significant enough to have him wondering about it for days afterwards. "Though, I suggest that the two of you leave as soon as you've finished eating. If Sirius has got a list as large as I'm imagining, it's best to get started straight away.

"Oh, it's definitely a larger list than you were imagining."

—

"Are you making me breakfast too?"  
"I swear, I've made more food for you than you have me and you're the baker!"

"Considering the great amount of pastries you eat, I doubt that very much," Remus replied, walking over to where Sirius was arranging plates as fancily as if he were serving some royal family. There were flowers and everything. "You should know that you're keeping us in business single handedly."

"That's not true at all. You refuse to let me pay half the time."  
"That's what friends are for, right?" Both of them pretended not to notice Andromeda's scoff as Remus said "friends".

"Thank you," Remus said gratefully as Sirius handed him the most fancily arranged plate of toast and mushrooms he had seen in his life.

"Don't mention it."  
"Idiot."  
The two ate silently. Or at least they did until Dora came bouncing into the room, a book in hand, absolutely thrilled to see that everyone was still there.

"Hi Sirius!" she called out, positivity bouncing into her seat.

"Morning Explorer," Sirius replied, grinning brightly at the girl. "Are you hungry?"

"I've already eaten," she said before turning to Remus, "Hullo Remus!"

"Hello enaid bach. How are you this lovely morning?"  
"I'm very good!"

"That's good to hear," Remus replied, smiling at the girl. Maybe he was the type of person to just melt in front of children, but he couldn't pretend that this kid wasn't amazing.

The rest of breakfast continued in much of the same stream. Ted came downstairs and Andromeda finally sat down. There was a lot of laughter. Everyone got involved in the conversation of whether or not Boxing Day was part of Christmas. Sirius, Andromeda and Dora said yes. Ted and Remus said that Christmas was just Christmas. They were proven completely wrong, though privately they agreed to just let the others win.

Remus found himself wondering what living a life like Ted and Andromeda would be like. Living with the people you loved most in the world, waking up with someone you love, but not being scared of them. Mornings filled with laughter instead of sleepy eyes. Breakfasts all together. It was a strange thought. An impossible one too, because Remus couldn't ever imagine giving up the bakery. Though at one point, Sirius' hand found its way to Remus' knee and for a second Remus found himself thinking that he'd do anything for another moment like this.

—

"So, why are we in a park, in the freezing cold?" Remus asked, looking over at Sirius who was just beaming. "I really can't find the fascination in it."

"Because it's Boxing Day so no one else will be here! And there's a tree I want to climb."

"A tree?" Remus would admit, one of his weaknesses was trees. He loved them far more than was healthy, he supposed Sirius would tell him, but there was just something about them.

"Yes! A tree! Come on."

"Alright, alright," Remus complied, allowing Sirius to pull him along across the grass.

"Here's the tree."

"That's a massive tree."

"Indeed it is. Now, are you going to climb it or not?"  
"What sort of question is that?" Remus asked incredulously. "Shit! Of course I'm going to climb it."

And in a minute Remus was three branches up and calling for Sirius to join him. "Are you going to climb it, or not?"

"Shit! Of course I'm going to climb it," Sirius mocked, sticking his tongue out at Remus.

"Come on then!"

And so he did.

Ten minutes later they were both as high up as they could get and they were both laughing so hard that it was very possible one of them was going to fall out of the tree sooner or later. It was freezing cold and Remus probably would have been shivering if it were any other day, or in any other circumstances, but today was different. He was happy and he was excited and just amazed by the world. But most of all, he was amazed by Sirius.

—

Still up in the tree, both boys were startled when Remus' phone rang.

"Odd, I thought you'd be the person to always keep your phone on silent."

"Usually I am."

"Well, who is it? If it's Gilderoy, I'll murder him."

"Calm down," Remus said, shaking his head, though he would be more than happy for Sirius to murder Gilderoy if it was him. Luckily, it wasn't. "It's James."

"Hey James, you're on speaker because Sirius and I are in a tree."

"Hold on tight then," James replied and his breaths were coming faster than Remus had heard in a long time.

"Are you alright, James?"  
"I, I think so."

There was a pause and Remus and Sirius exchanged a nervous glance.

"James, mate. Are you alright?" Remus asked, chewing on his lip nervously.

"Lily's pregnant!"


	15. You're Biting Your Lip Again

"WHAT!?" Remus and Sirius shouted at the same time. Both looking at each other incredulously.

"I found out fucking yesterday! End of November, she says. July, we'll have a baby! A fucking baby. I need fucking help, Remus. I can't. Dad? Can't. I'm nineteen. What the hell?"

"Breathe James, breathe. Are you still at your parents?"

"Well, kind of."  
"Kind of?" Remus asked, exchanging a nervous glance with Sirius who hadn't even tried to say a word since _WHAT_.

"Well, I kind of ran out. After hugging Lily of course. Gently, of course. I just, I just can't be a dad, Remus. I don't know how. My dad was great, I can't be that great. What if I end up like yours?"  
"James, you're not a bigot. So that's fine. Really though, you'll be a great dad. I know you will. You're amazing at all that stuff. You really are. Kids love you. And more importantly, you love everyone enough to try. I know you'll try."

"But what if it's not good enough?"  
"It will be, trust me. But for now, you've got to go back to Lily. Okay? You've got to make sure she knows you're okay with everything.

"But what if she hates me? I just ran out on her. I shouldn't, shouldn't have done that. If I can't even handle that, how can I handle being a dad?"

"James, listen to me. Lily's not going to hate you. She knows you're just shocked. You're not going to be a bad dad, not at all. It'll be okay, it'll be okay," Remus promised, hoping desperately that he'd be able to calm James down. It wasn't often James freaked out, it was only Remus with the anxiety issues, but when James freaked out, he went all in.

"Are you sure?"  
"I am sure. Now, you go to her. Do you want me to come down to meet you there?"

"Could you? I'll pay for it and everything. I promise. But, could you?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I couldn't manage it. I'll be on my way by 11:00, okay?"

"Okay. Okay. Thank you. I'll pay for it. Okay."

"James, enough. Go back to Lily. See you in a little while."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye."

And Remus hung up the phone with a sigh. Leaning back against the tree branch, he closed his eyes, not even caring that Sirius was there. It was 10:36 now. He needed to be on the bus by 11:00, most likely. He needed to book a ticket for the train to Brighton. He needed to pack, probably. He needed a lot. But most of all, he was so thankful that he was doing alright with money at the moment.

This wasn't quite how he'd planned to spend the "last day of Christmas", but plans changed all the time. James was arguably more important that having a fun Boxing Day. Hopefully Sirius could see that too, because otherwise that would mean awful things for their friendship (or whatever it was).

"Sorry, Sirius."  
"No problem at all. Don't stress. I've already looked up how long it'll take to get there," Sirius replied, holding up his phone. "Need to be on the bus at 11:05. Arrival at 1:07."

"Thanks. Really, thank you. I suppose, I'd better be going then. Should probably book the ticket and pack and everything."

Sirius bit his lip, "Remus, do you need a lift? Or, I don't know, I guess I could come?"

"Sirius." Remus paused, running a hand through his hair. "Surely you don't want to."

"If it'll help, then yes. Yes, I do."

Remus hesitated, it wasn't that he _didn't_ want Sirius to come. Rather the contrary actually. He'd love it if Sirius came. But he wasn't going to ask him, and would it be weird?

"It's alright if you don't want me to come," Sirius promised, smiling ever so slightly. "I promise."

"No, no, not at all," Remus replied, pausing once again. "I mean, I can ask James. He'd probably like that. He really likes you, you know."  
"Well, I should hope so." Sirius grinned. "I mean, he's let me into his apartment several times. Generally, it's good to like someone before you do that."

"Oh you think you're so funny."

"Aren't I?"

"Not at all."

"Wounded! Wounded, I tell you!"

"Nothing much I can do about that now, is there?"

"Take back your hurtful words?"

"That would just be too easy."

"Far too many people think you're kind. They don't know that it's all a carefully constructed mask," Sirius joked, grinning all the while.

"I can't imagine why you'd want to travel all the way to Brighton with me then," Remus stated, eyebrow raised.

A huff and then Sirius was laughing, throwing his hands up in exasperation, "oh fine then! If you _must_ be so logical about it all!"

"I certainly must."

"Have you asked James yet?"

Remus couldn't help but smile at that. Here they were, still sitting in a tree, teasing each other like it was nothing. And that was the thing, it _was_ nothing. It felt free, easy. Easy. How many things felt easy? How many things stayed easy? Not many. That was the answer to all of the above. Not much felt easy, certainly not for Remus. If he'd been in his right state of mind when he met this madman that called himself Sirius, he would have told him to get the hell out of his shop. But he didn't. No, of course he didn't. He asked him to stay. Because that was the logical thing to do, right?

"Yes, I've asked James." A quick look down at his phone let him know that James had replied too. "He says that would be very kind of you."

Sirius did nothing short of what Remus would call a scoff, "he did not say that. What did he actually say?"

Rolling his eyes, "He said; What a bloody fine chap Sirius is! That would be great. We can have a party!" Remus imitated James in a scarily realistic way. A way that almost had Sirius falling out of the tree.  
"Goodness, his kid really is going to be insane."

"You couldn't be more right."

—

It had been the most interesting bus ride Remus had ever experienced, he'd never really thought of bus rides as _interesting_. Nice, calming, yes. But interesting? Not really. Apparently being with Sirius changed all of that though. Sirius really was like a dog, pointing out every little thing that he thought was cool. It was a bus ride filled with;

"Remus! Look, there's a dog!"

"That looks like a cool bookstore, I bet you'd love it."

"Have you been to that park?"

"So many nice buildings...I hate them."

"Haven't been on a bus for ages."

"If Gilderoy walks onto this bus, I'm going to attack him."

"Ooh, there's a bird!"

And so on and so forth. Remus couldn't help but laugh, though he really did want to just tell Sirius to be quiet. It was the loudest he'd ever heard anyone be on a bus, and he wasn't sure if it was entirely polite, but he couldn't tell Sirius to be quiet without making even more of a scene. So he sat, and he grinned and every so often, he laughed as Sirius made a particularly amusing comment. It was strange, he supposed, laughing on a bus, normally he caught them on the way to and from the bakery and there wasn't a whole lot of laughing going on then. Mostly just exhaustion. Also, he disliked people knowing how he felt, so he made sure to limit his expressions as much as he could.

But, now they were on the first train the needed to catch. It had been a close call though. Sirius, once again excited by a dog, had made sure that they had to walk at very, very fast pace. Remus was grateful for his long legs, and couldn't help but wonder how Sirius kept up while being so much shorter. Safely sitting down on the train — catching a train outside of peak hours was lovely — he glanced across at Sirius and began to speak, "Than—"

"Hush! You've thanked me about twenty times already. You're welcome. It's fine. All perfectly fine, I promise!"

"Don't you _hush_ me," Remus replied, raising an eyebrow at Sirius.

A scoffed, "I'll hush you if you're going to keep insisting on thanking me unnecessarily. I've said it's okay. I've even said it'll be fun."

Rolling his eyes, Remus stared determinedly out the window, willing himself not to satisfy Sirius with a grin. Perhaps it was true that he'd said "thank you" almost twenty times. It wasn't though, he'd counted. He'd only said it fourteen. But whether or not that counted as "almost twenty" in Sirius' mind or not, he would always rather be polite than not, too many thank yous were better than not enough.

Neither of them really spoke for the rest of the 13 minute train trip, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Not at all. It was just like any other train trip, with just a bit of extra company. It was nice, it felt like they had known each other for years and years and could just be comfortable with even the most boring of silences. It was a bit like being with James, except not at all, not even close.

Another jog and they were at the right platform for the train to Brighton. Tickets in hand, from scanning them as they passed the gates, they shuffled through the carriage, attempting to find their designated seats with as little trouble as possible. Sirius only had a small bag — though Remus was sure it was enchanted when Sirius told him just how much he had packed — and Remus had just packed what he needed into a backpack. So it was fairly easy for them to get past people, or have people get past them. Remus had travelled with suitcases before, and that was an experience he never, ever wanted to experience again. Far too much of a hassle.

"So, have you been to Brighton before?" Remus asked Sirius. He was relieved that they were both sitting down and didn't appear to have anyone sitting next to them. It was about an hour trip to Brighton, nothing too long, but it was still nice to be comfortable. And he didn't think he could handle Sirius bouncing around and pacing the carriages as he was bound to do if they didn't have a proper seat. So, that was a relief too.

"Of course I've been to Brighton! Who hasn't?"

"I've met plenty of people who haven't been to Brighton. I hadn't, until the Potters invited me over," Remus retorted, rolling his eyes.

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus before asking, "And when was that?"

"Well, I suppose I would have been seventeen or eighteen?"

"So you were an adult?"  
"Yes, I suppose so."

"No seaside holidays as a kid?"

"Absolutely not. I was in Wales as a kid! Then I went to a school in Scotland on a scholarship," Remus replied, shaking his head at Sirius. How could he think that Remus had just been able to have a holiday to Brighton?

"Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose that does make sense," Sirius hesitated, as if he wasn't sure if he should say something. "I —"

"Just say it. We've got an entire train trip. May as well talk."

"Well, I was just going to say that I went to Wales and it's not that far to travel."

Remus took a deep breath before responding, "But the question is, did you holiday to France? Italy? Spain?"

"I mean, that's not really the question, is it? Certainly, if it is, then the answer is yes, but why?"

Another deep breath and Remus brushed his overly curly hair away from his face. One more breath, because he couldn't burst out either laughing or crying on a train. A shake of his head and he was ready. As long as he didn't look into Sirius' quizzical gaze.

"Siri, you see, the thing is," he hesitated, mostly to remind himself that this was emSirius/em, who he could trust. "James, and you, I believe, both grew up with money around, right? And not just enough money, your families could both have piles of gold if they wanted to. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's my family and now me. I didn't grow up with money around. We struggled to make ends meet half the time. I was prone to all sorts of illnesses and that certainly didn't help, but still I was finding ways to earn money when I was ten. We didn't holiday anywhere, let alone Brighton."

"Oh, okay." And now Sirius really did look like a puppy, albeit a kicked one.

"It's okay, it really is. But, no, there were no holidays for me as a kid. It's okay though. It's done now," Remus promised, he didn't want Sirius feeling bad for something he couldn't control. At the same time though, he felt the need to educate, just a little bit. It had taken James almost until they were done with school until he finally grasped that not everyone lived similar to him. Not because he wasn't trying, it was just that every holiday, he went back to the same place, where money was never a problem. And it's easy to forget. Remus forgot that James could live like that, and James forgot that Remus lived how he did. It wasn't bad, everyone was just misinformed.

"What do you want to say? You're biting your lip again, which means you're either nervous or want to say something—"

"It does not!" Remus protested, lying, though he knew very well that it did.

"Idiot. It definitely does. So, what do you want to say?" Sirius asked, rolling his eyes, "Also, you lied to me. You didn't wear your lip ring at all!"

"Ah, sorry about that. I forgot."

"It won't matter, if you tell me what you want to say. You were the one who said we may as well talk."

"Oh fine, then!" Remus whisper exclaimed, suddenly remembering that they were on a train. A thankfully mostly empty train, but a train nonetheless.

"Thank you!" Sirius threw his hands up and sat back in his seat, a smirk settling on his lips.

"It's not something I necessarily wa—"

"Come on then."

"If you'd let me finish, I would."

"Fine."

"As I was em_saying/em_. It's not something I necessarily want to tell you, but you sort of need to know. I know that you don't have your own place, and you're probably living out of savings, and it seems like the best and least luxurious life you've lived, which it is. But I also know that it's likely the only reason you worked as a teenager was out of rebellion, I know that if you really wanted to, you could probably buy a em_house/em_ in the middle of London, I know that unless your parents were being maniacal, you always had enough to eat, if you need something, you can go buy it.

I can't. My family can't. We couldn't. Things are a bit better now. Now that we know I've got fibro, now that I've got my own business, now that my mum and dad are by themselves. But you saw my apartment, you saw it. You were shocked, yeah? But so many people live like that Sirius, so many people are worse off than I am. So many people grew up like that, me included. You're never going to understand that fully, and I don't want you to, I don't want you to suffer through that. I don't want you to come to accept it as how it is. But you need to know that em_is_/em how it is for a lot of people."

"Rem, I—"

"Don't apologise. Please don't."

"Okay, I won't."  
"Thank you." He leant back into the seat, closing his eyes for a second. Re-grounding himself. "And thank you for your concern, but it's okay. I'm working on it."

"If you need help, you know I'm here."

"I do, thank you."


	16. Chapter 16

They didn't end up sleeping much that night, though Remus knew it meant he'd be tired the next day, he couldn't really bring himself to care. It wasn't like he hadn't spend days exhausted before, and if any reason was a good one, then this was it. Sirius had promised that he wouldn't mind if Remus slept, but Remus had only scoffed at the thought. There was no chance he would have left Sirius sitting up alone in a house that reminded him of his parents, what sort of a em_friend_/em would he be then? So, despite the fact that there were five bedrooms in the massive, massive house, Sirius and Remus spent the majority of the night together in the attic bedroom that Remus had fallen in love with the first time he'd come over. Silent laughter took over as they both became more and more tired, cigarettes were lit and the window flung open, nonsense conversations, crude jokes on Sirius' part, and they were happy. They were sleep deprived and no matter what happened, Remus knew Sirius was anxious, but that was okay, they were fighting it. And they were doing a damn good job at it too.

—

Remus woke to an arm that wasn't his own slung across his chest, up against another body. With a start, he remembered who it was that was lying next to him...on the floor? Why were they on the floor? He couldn't possibly have answered that, but there were more pressing matters to figure out. The first being, how did he get out of this position without disturbing Sirius? The second being, surely Sirius was uncomfortable with his head turned away at such an odd angle? This was the second time he'd found himself pressed close to Sirius, surely it was going to get awkward at some point. He almost wished it em_was_/em, then at least he could force himself away, but it wasn't. It was comfortable and right and familiar and all the things that Remus longed for.

Preparing himself to spend some time in this position, Remus shuffled a little, it was cold on the floor. But he needn't have worried, because as soon as Remus shifted, Sirius' head turned towards him, eyes wide open, very much awake. Startled, Remus snapped into an upright position, not even caring about Sirius' arm that had been across his chest. Heart pounding, he looked incredulously at the other boy. After a failed attempt at words, he simply sighed and made a hopeless sort of hand gesture. em_Why on earth were they so close if Sirius was awake?_/em

"You alright there?" Sirius asked, languidly moving from his back to a sitting position, looking somewhat concerned for Remus. And once again, Remus had to wonder how it was possible for someone to look so ridiculously good after sleeping in such a terrible place.

"I, er, yeah. Good. Right," came Remus' reply.

"That doesn't sound too good Rem," Sirius stated, smiling a little.

"Yeah, well, you know me," Remus offered, not quite looking Sirius in the eye.

"That em_really_/em doesn't sound good." Sirius moved a little so he was now facing Remus, his hand hovered for a moment, before he put it to rest in his lap. "What's up?" His voice full of concern.

"Nothing's up. I'm fine, really." Remus knew he wasn't convincing, but in all honesty, he didn't really care at the moment. There was pain coursing through his body, probably more to do with the stress of getting here yesterday than sleeping on the floor. He was completely freaked out by the whole situation. So no, he didn't care, and if that made him awful then he didn't know what to do about that either.

"Remus." Sirius' voice was low and concerned.

"Sirius?"

"I'm not stupid you know."

em_It would be much easier if you were._/em

"Yeah, I know," came the clipped reply, and for a moment he felt bad. Just because he was uncomfortable didn't give him the right to force the same upon Sirius.

"Can I help with anything?"

"No." Remus hesitated before continuing, there was no way he could make this sound better, "but, it'd be best if we stopped ending up quite so wrapped up in each other."

Sirius looked taken aback, and what Remus could only assume was hurt crossed the other boy's face. Quickly though, Sirius brushed it away, replaced it with a much harder expression and stood up. "Sure, whatever you say Remus."

There was no appropriate response — something he had caused himself — so Remus just nodded and slowly eased himself up off the floor. Hoping it wasn't going to be a painkiller day, they were the worst by far. And he couldn't make it obvious, not here. Not with everyone here, except Peter of course. People would be worried, and that was the last thing he wanted. So, stifling a groan, he bundled up some clothes and went to have a shower, hoping Sirius was able to put two and two together and get the idea that everyone was allowed to do practically whatever they wanted here.

"Wai—" Sirius began, but the closing of the door made sure that Remus couldn't hear the rest. He couldn't be this attatched to Sirius. He couldn't let them keep waking up like that. He em_definitely_/em couldn't let Sirius that close while awake. Fuck comfort. Comfort didn't end well. It never had.

—

Mid-day and Remus had spent the entire morning sitting as far away from Sirius as possible, while making sure that nothing looked amiss between the two of them. Something that had proved more difficult than he thought, he hadn't known just how often they sat next to each other, how automatic a soft touch to the other's shoulder was. But, he was managing, and no one had said anything yet. His voice was no longer shaking, he wasn't stuttering as much, as a whole, he was convincing to everyone but Sirius. James had noticed the pain as he was bound to. They had spent far too many days together doing whatever they could to ease Remus' pain for James em_not_/em to notice it by now. But the rest of them were peacefully oblivious to Remus' pain, both physical and mental.

So, the day continued, playing board games to the sound of the storm outside. Sitting by a fire and drinking hot chocolate. Perfectly homely.

Remus could almost ignore the pain as he looked over everyone, all seated on the floor, smiling, grinning, laughing. They em_had_/em been about to play a weird New Zealand trivia/board game — Effie and Monty had picked it up on their travels — but they'd been distracted by something or the other. And if James' laughter coupled with Lily's wasn't infectious, then not even gastro was. After some amusing story about James as a kid had Remus on his back, laughing, he thought maybe, maybe things weren't so bad after all.

Sure, he couldn't let himself get anymore attatched to Sirius, and sure, he could feel the beginnings of a nasty headache, but he was here, with family. Because this em_was_/em family, no matter what other people might think. Stories were being exchanged, mostly for Sirius' benefit, Remus assumed. And if he could paint, Remus would want to paint this.

The curtains being open was useless, there was practically no light coming in. So everyone was lit up by the warm glow of the fireplace and the lamps places carefully around the room. Everyone was in a circle of sorts. James and Lily pressed close, a brilliant example of the perfect couple if there ever was one. On the other side of James was Monty who looked as he always did, a balanced combination of amused, fatherly, and somehow professional. Next to Monty was Effie. Remus sat between Effie and Sirius, both of whom looked picturesque. Effie sitting wrapped in a blanket looking like the perfect picture of a stereotypical mother. Sirius looked radiant as always, though Remus hated to admit it, Sirius' sharp edges somewhat softened by the light. It was perfectly lovely.

Except it wasn't, not after that moment of bliss. No, it wasn't perfectly lovely. It wasn't perfectly anything, because it was after that moment that Sirius turned to look at Remus, a question in his eyes and a hand coming to rest on Remus' knee, and though he tried, Remus couldn't help the flinch that came as Sirius touched him. The shocked expression on Sirius' face was all Remus needed to excuse himself and walk out of the room, dropping a kiss on the top of James' head along with a whispered, "everything's alright, I promise." It was easier to get questions out of the way earlier rather than later, though he knew his promise wouldn't answer even one of James' questions.

As quickly as he could, he was packing his bag, stuffing clothes and a book inside. Shrugging on a jumper and a coat, slipping his phone in his pocket, swallowing two painkillers and he was on his way back down the stairs. A scrawled note was placed on the kitchen counter, and he found himself grateful for the house being so large because it meant that while everyone else was in the em_second_/em living room, Remus could quietly slip out the front door.

Walking the minute's trip to the bus stop, he checked his phone and was relieved to see that the bus was only a few minutes away. He wasn't so relieved when he finally processed what exactly it was that he was doing. Running away? Could he call it that? He guessed that's what James would call it when he called Remus, angry and frightened. He guessed that's what Lily would call it when she suggested he go see someone about it all. He guessed that's what Effie would call it when she promised him that it was okay to make a mistake. He guessed that's what Monty would call it when he scolded Remus in his deep voice full of disappointment and more caring than Remus deserved. It was em_definitely_/em what Sirius would call it when he yelled. But surely running away was a better option than burdening them all with him? It was perfect in there, it was lovely, and Sirius needed that, James and Lily were happy. No one needed his anxieties fucking that up. So onto the bus he stepped, and then after that onto a train, then another train, and then a bus.

—

He was home at five, and no one had called, texted, or anything else. Most likely, they thought that he was wandering around Brighton somewhere, it wasn't like he hadn't done that before. He'd spent hours wandering places, even if he didn't quite know where he was, it was peaceful. But they would call soon, when he'd been gone for more than three hours, he knew they started panicking. Hopefully, hopefully one of them had seen the note, but of course, there was always the chance that they wouldn't have.

He turned the heater on, he'd not been home for the past few days pretty much, and it was freezing. He'd deal with the bill when it came, right now he needed to be warm. Setting down his backpack in the corner it seemed to fit in best, he was making his way to the kettle when his phone rang. A sigh, a flick of the kettle and his phone was in his hand, already answering it, not even knowing if he was prepared.

"What the fuck, Remus?" James' voice came through, angry and loud, not quite yelling, but Remus wouldn't be surprised if it got there.

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Is that it? What the hell? What's going on, mate? Talk to me, please? Come back here, I'll pay for your tickets. I did actually want you here you know."

"I know, I know."

"Why did you leave then?"

"I just couldn't stay there, Jamie."  
"Jamie?" James' tone was incredulous, "you haven't called me that in probably years. What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just, I just couldn't stay there. Everything was so perfect and lovely."  
"Well now it's not, because you left, you understand that?"  
"It would've been worse if I had stayed."

"No, it wouldn't have been. You can talk to me, to any of us, actually."  
"I kn—"

"Don't you dare say that you know, because you clearly don't. Otherwise you would."  
"I know you wouldn't mind me talking to you."

"Well why don't you then?"  
"I can't."

"Alright, alright, Remus. Are you going to come back?"

"No, no, I don't think I am," Remus replied, biting his lip. There was no point in even saying he would think about it.

"Expect Sirius then, because he looks ready to break down your door. If I didn't know you as well as I did now, I would be doing the same." James paused before filling the silence. "It would be best if you just came back."  
"I'm sorry James, I really am. If you need me, you can call or text or something. I'm so, so sorry. I do care about you, I do, I do care about you. I promise, James. Rwy'n addo."

"I know you care, I know you're sorry. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about em_you_/em."

"I'll be fine, I promise. Try convince Sirius out of coming here, okay? I'll see you when you get back. I love you, really."  
"I love you too, Rem. Be safe."  
"Okay."

James was the one who hung up, leaving Remus sitting on the floor, not quite sure what to do with himself. Most of all, hoping that Sirius wasn't going to come and break down his door, he didn't want to have to get his door fixed, and more importantly, he didn't want to have to discuss things with Sirius. He em_couldn't_/em. He just couldn't. Maybe this was him making excuses — it definitely was — but he didn't have the energy at the moment. Not for that. Not for Sirius, really. Not because of Sirius, necessarily, just because, well because of him, he supposed. If he tried to explain things, he'd just end up sounding crazy.

So he pushed aside that thought, made himself a cup of tea, grabbed his textbooks and settled down in front of the heater. Figuring he may as well get some studying done if he was going to be a coward about the rest of it.

—

It was nearly four hours later, 8:47, when Sirius called, and Remus had half a mind not to pick up the phone, but he always felt awful after ignoring a call, so he seldom did.

"Hello," he offered, wincing at the sound of his voice, cringing at the reply he knew would come.

"I'm coming over. James is right, if you don't open the door, I will force it open."  
"Please don't."  
"Then talk."  
"No."  
"I'm coming then."

"No."

"I'm coming. I'll be there in fifteen. End of discussion."

"Don't."

"Then talk to me. Or James. Or Lily. Talk to Peter, Marlene, Dorcas. Just fucking talk. Remus, I don't want to do anything that will hurt you, and I know that Gilderoy probably came over unwanted too, but I also don't want em_you_/em doing anything to hurt you."

"I will talk, I will. Just not yet."

"I'm coming over." And just the way Sirius said it, Remus knew that there wasn't going to be any room for argument.

"Sirius."

"No," Sirius' voice was sharp and Remus almost flinched. "I'll see you in fifteen. Be there."

"Okay," came Remus' hushed reply before he quickly hung up.

What had he gotten himself into? He should've just stayed, pushed through. He should have done better. And now he'd messed up. He'd fucked all of it up. He'd abandoned James, he'd hurt Sirius. It was a mess. All because of him and his fucking anxiety. Now Sirius was coming over and Remus wasn't in any state to talk. Especially not to Sirius. He'd pulled Sirius away from what could've been a lovely few days. He'd gone to help James and now he'd done the opposite. Leaving them all thinking he was the one that needed help. But what could he do now? Sirius was on his way over, and Remus had no doubt that Sirius em_would_/em kick down the door if he needed to. So, tea in hand, Remus sat himself down on the couch, front door unlocked, phone next to him. Hoping, hoping that somehow, Sirius would decide not to come.

Unfortunately, his hope didn't work so well. Fifteen minutes later found Sirius on Remus' front step, knocking urgently.

"It's unlocked."

That was all it took for Sirius to be standing on the inside of Remus' apartment.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered, not meeting Sirius' eyes, and not standing up from his spot on the couch.

"Oh Rem," Sirius' voice was quiet, "can I come over?"

"It wasn't a question before."

"It is now."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

Sirius walked over quickly, but hesitantly, eventually perching on the opposite end of the couch. There was silence for a few minutes, neither boy really sure what they should be saying. Neither of them wanting to hurt the other, though that seemed inevitable, to Remus at least. Sirius looked exhausted and a little defeated, an expression he never thought he'd see on Sirius, though he knew that if their friendship continued, he was bound to. Sirius looked like it would only take a few sentences to send him crumbling, and Remus knew that he looked similar. What a pair they made the two of them.

"We've got to talk, Remus," Sirius began. Remus' only reply was a small noise of assent. "No, we really do have to talk. Which means you have to talk too. What happened?"

"Nothing important. I can come back to Brighton if that's what it takes for you all to stop worrying."

"Oh yes, if you come back after running out on us all, after having ignored me all day, yeah, coming back will fix it! That doesn't even make sense."

"It doesn't have to," Remus replied, nervously playing with an elastic band.

"Yeah, yeah it does. What happened?"  
"With what? Running out? I don't know. So leave it alone." Remus' jaw was clenched, and despite the pain he was in, he was ready to run if he needed to.

"Yes you do. You definitely know, you just don't want to talk about it," Sirius paused, sitting up straighter as if he were steeling himself for whatever was coming next, "You flinched when I touched you. You haven't done that in weeks."

"We've barely known each other for weeks," Remus snapped.

"Is that what this is? You think we're too close for people who've not known each other long?"  
"I think we're too close point blank."

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked, now clenching his fists.

"Hit me if that's what you want. I don't care," Remus paused, he did care, very much, but if Sirius wanted to hit him like his fists suggested it would make all of this so much easier, "I just don't think whatever it is we're doing is a good idea."

"Why the hell would I hit you?"

"I don't know."  
"Then stop it. And the only thing we've been doing is being friends. If you don't want that, fine."  
"I just can't."

"You can. You just won't." And this time Sirius' voice was cold and harsher than he'd heard it before. "I don't know what's going on, but running away—" there is was, there was the phrase, " —won't help."

"It might."  
"Talking will help!" Sirius was practically yelling now. "Running won't. I've tried it! You've tried it! Enough is enough, just talk." And now Sirius was yelling, and Remus wanted to do nothing more than stand up and leave, but he couldn't do that either, because as much as he didn't want to admit it, Sirius was right.

"I don't need to talk. And I definitely don't need another Gilderoy in my life."

"How am I like Gilderoy? We're not even dating." Sirius wasn't yelling now, but Remus knew it would take half a moment for it to rise back up again.

"You figure that out. But as of right now, get out."

"Fine."

Within seconds, Sirius was gone and Remus was shaking. An angry groan and Remus' mug was in pieces on the floor. He knew he'd regret it when he next went to grab a mug and saw that there was an uneven amount, but that didn't matter now. None of it mattered now. Holding the jumper Sirius brought close, he sighed; how had things gone so very wrong? He hadn't a clue, though he wished he did. He'd been trying, trying to make this all work. What was this exactly? He wasn't sure.

All he knew was, he cared for Sirius an awful lot. More so than he had cared for anyone new in a long time. The last time he'd been so close to someone so quickly, it had been Gilderoy. Sure, he'd made friends since then, but nothing — no one — had taken over quite so quickly. Maybe he should've turned him away at the bakery when they first met, but not even Remus could deny that whatever had been going on between him and Sirius had been nice. More than nice, in fact. But was it James nice? Or was it something else?


	17. It Wasn't A Question Before

They didn't end up sleeping much that night, though Remus knew it meant he'd be tired the next day, he couldn't really bring himself to care. It wasn't like he hadn't spend days exhausted before, and if any reason was a good one, then this was it. Sirius had promised that he wouldn't mind if Remus slept, but Remus had only scoffed at the thought. There was no chance he would have left Sirius sitting up alone in a house that reminded him of his parents, what sort of a em_friend_/em would he be then? So, despite the fact that there were five bedrooms in the massive, massive house, Sirius and Remus spent the majority of the night together in the attic bedroom that Remus had fallen in love with the first time he'd come over. Silent laughter took over as they both became more and more tired, cigarettes were lit and the window flung open, nonsense conversations, crude jokes on Sirius' part, and they were happy. They were sleep deprived and no matter what happened, Remus knew Sirius was anxious, but that was okay, they were fighting it. And they were doing a damn good job at it too.

—

Remus woke to an arm that wasn't his own slung across his chest, up against another body. With a start, he remembered who it was that was lying next to him...on the floor? Why were they on the floor? He couldn't possibly have answered that, but there were more pressing matters to figure out. The first being, how did he get out of this position without disturbing Sirius? The second being, surely Sirius was uncomfortable with his head turned away at such an odd angle? This was the second time he'd found himself pressed close to Sirius, surely it was going to get awkward at some point. He almost wished it em_was_/em, then at least he could force himself away, but it wasn't. It was comfortable and right and familiar and all the things that Remus longed for.

Preparing himself to spend some time in this position, Remus shuffled a little, it was cold on the floor. But he needn't have worried, because as soon as Remus shifted, Sirius' head turned towards him, eyes wide open, very much awake. Startled, Remus snapped into an upright position, not even caring about Sirius' arm that had been across his chest. Heart pounding, he looked incredulously at the other boy. After a failed attempt at words, he simply sighed and made a hopeless sort of hand gesture. em_Why on earth were they so close if Sirius was awake?_/em

"You alright there?" Sirius asked, languidly moving from his back to a sitting position, looking somewhat concerned for Remus. And once again, Remus had to wonder how it was possible for someone to look so ridiculously good after sleeping in such a terrible place.

"I, er, yeah. Good. Right," came Remus' reply.

"That doesn't sound too good Rem," Sirius stated, smiling a little.

"Yeah, well, you know me," Remus offered, not quite looking Sirius in the eye.

"That em_really_/em doesn't sound good." Sirius moved a little so he was now facing Remus, his hand hovered for a moment, before he put it to rest in his lap. "What's up?" His voice full of concern.

"Nothing's up. I'm fine, really." Remus knew he wasn't convincing, but in all honesty, he didn't really care at the moment. There was pain coursing through his body, probably more to do with the stress of getting here yesterday than sleeping on the floor. He was completely freaked out by the whole situation. So no, he didn't care, and if that made him awful then he didn't know what to do about that either.

"Remus." Sirius' voice was low and concerned.

"Sirius?"

"I'm not stupid you know."

em_It would be much easier if you were._/em

"Yeah, I know," came the clipped reply, and for a moment he felt bad. Just because he was uncomfortable didn't give him the right to force the same upon Sirius.

"Can I help with anything?"

"No." Remus hesitated before continuing, there was no way he could make this sound better, "but, it'd be best if we stopped ending up quite so wrapped up in each other."

Sirius looked taken aback, and what Remus could only assume was hurt crossed the other boy's face. Quickly though, Sirius brushed it away, replaced it with a much harder expression and stood up. "Sure, whatever you say Remus."

There was no appropriate response — something he had caused himself — so Remus just nodded and slowly eased himself up off the floor. Hoping it wasn't going to be a painkiller day, they were the worst by far. And he couldn't make it obvious, not here. Not with everyone here, except Peter of course. People would be worried, and that was the last thing he wanted. So, stifling a groan, he bundled up some clothes and went to have a shower, hoping Sirius was able to put two and two together and get the idea that everyone was allowed to do practically whatever they wanted here.

"Wai—" Sirius began, but the closing of the door made sure that Remus couldn't hear the rest. He couldn't be this attatched to Sirius. He couldn't let them keep waking up like that. He em_definitely_/em couldn't let Sirius that close while awake. Fuck comfort. Comfort didn't end well. It never had.

—

Mid-day and Remus had spent the entire morning sitting as far away from Sirius as possible, while making sure that nothing looked amiss between the two of them. Something that had proved more difficult than he thought, he hadn't known just how often they sat next to each other, how automatic a soft touch to the other's shoulder was. But, he was managing, and no one had said anything yet. His voice was no longer shaking, he wasn't stuttering as much, as a whole, he was convincing to everyone but Sirius. James had noticed the pain as he was bound to. They had spent far too many days together doing whatever they could to ease Remus' pain for James em_not_/em to notice it by now. But the rest of them were peacefully oblivious to Remus' pain, both physical and mental.

So, the day continued, playing board games to the sound of the storm outside. Sitting by a fire and drinking hot chocolate. Perfectly homely.

Remus could almost ignore the pain as he looked over everyone, all seated on the floor, smiling, grinning, laughing. They em_had_/em been about to play a weird New Zealand trivia/board game — Effie and Monty had picked it up on their travels — but they'd been distracted by something or the other. And if James' laughter coupled with Lily's wasn't infectious, then not even gastro was. After some amusing story about James as a kid had Remus on his back, laughing, he thought maybe, maybe things weren't so bad after all.

Sure, he couldn't let himself get anymore attatched to Sirius, and sure, he could feel the beginnings of a nasty headache, but he was here, with family. Because this em_was_/em family, no matter what other people might think. Stories were being exchanged, mostly for Sirius' benefit, Remus assumed. And if he could paint, Remus would want to paint this.

The curtains being open was useless, there was practically no light coming in. So everyone was lit up by the warm glow of the fireplace and the lamps places carefully around the room. Everyone was in a circle of sorts. James and Lily pressed close, a brilliant example of the perfect couple if there ever was one. On the other side of James was Monty who looked as he always did, a balanced combination of amused, fatherly, and somehow professional. Next to Monty was Effie. Remus sat between Effie and Sirius, both of whom looked picturesque. Effie sitting wrapped in a blanket looking like the perfect picture of a stereotypical mother. Sirius looked radiant as always, though Remus hated to admit it, Sirius' sharp edges somewhat softened by the light. It was perfectly lovely.

Except it wasn't, not after that moment of bliss. No, it wasn't perfectly lovely. It wasn't perfectly anything, because it was after that moment that Sirius turned to look at Remus, a question in his eyes and a hand coming to rest on Remus' knee, and though he tried, Remus couldn't help the flinch that came as Sirius touched him. The shocked expression on Sirius' face was all Remus needed to excuse himself and walk out of the room, dropping a kiss on the top of James' head along with a whispered, "everything's alright, I promise." It was easier to get questions out of the way earlier rather than later, though he knew his promise wouldn't answer even one of James' questions.

As quickly as he could, he was packing his bag, stuffing clothes and a book inside. Shrugging on a jumper and a coat, slipping his phone in his pocket, swallowing two painkillers and he was on his way back down the stairs. A scrawled note was placed on the kitchen counter, and he found himself grateful for the house being so large because it meant that while everyone else was in the em_second_/em living room, Remus could quietly slip out the front door.

Walking the minute's trip to the bus stop, he checked his phone and was relieved to see that the bus was only a few minutes away. He wasn't so relieved when he finally processed what exactly it was that he was doing. Running away? Could he call it that? He guessed that's what James would call it when he called Remus, angry and frightened. He guessed that's what Lily would call it when she suggested he go see someone about it all. He guessed that's what Effie would call it when she promised him that it was okay to make a mistake. He guessed that's what Monty would call it when he scolded Remus in his deep voice full of disappointment and more caring than Remus deserved. It was em_definitely_/em what Sirius would call it when he yelled. But surely running away was a better option than burdening them all with him? It was perfect in there, it was lovely, and Sirius needed that, James and Lily were happy. No one needed his anxieties fucking that up. So onto the bus he stepped, and then after that onto a train, then another train, and then a bus.

—

He was home at five, and no one had called, texted, or anything else. Most likely, they thought that he was wandering around Brighton somewhere, it wasn't like he hadn't done that before. He'd spent hours wandering places, even if he didn't quite know where he was, it was peaceful. But they would call soon, when he'd been gone for more than three hours, he knew they started panicking. Hopefully, hopefully one of them had seen the note, but of course, there was always the chance that they wouldn't have.

He turned the heater on, he'd not been home for the past few days pretty much, and it was freezing. He'd deal with the bill when it came, right now he needed to be warm. Setting down his backpack in the corner it seemed to fit in best, he was making his way to the kettle when his phone rang. A sigh, a flick of the kettle and his phone was in his hand, already answering it, not even knowing if he was prepared.

"What the fuck, Remus?" James' voice came through, angry and loud, not quite yelling, but Remus wouldn't be surprised if it got there.

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Is that it? What the hell? What's going on, mate? Talk to me, please? Come back here, I'll pay for your tickets. I did actually want you here you know."

"I know, I know."

"Why did you leave then?"

"I just couldn't stay there, Jamie."  
"Jamie?" James' tone was incredulous, "you haven't called me that in probably years. What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just, I just couldn't stay there. Everything was so perfect and lovely."  
"Well now it's not, because you left, you understand that?"  
"It would've been worse if I had stayed."

"No, it wouldn't have been. You can talk to me, to any of us, actually."  
"I kn—"

"Don't you dare say that you know, because you clearly don't. Otherwise you would."  
"I know you wouldn't mind me talking to you."

"Well why don't you then?"  
"I can't."

"Alright, alright, Remus. Are you going to come back?"

"No, no, I don't think I am," Remus replied, biting his lip. There was no point in even saying he would think about it.

"Expect Sirius then, because he looks ready to break down your door. If I didn't know you as well as I did now, I would be doing the same." James paused before filling the silence. "It would be best if you just came back."  
"I'm sorry James, I really am. If you need me, you can call or text or something. I'm so, so sorry. I do care about you, I do, I do care about you. I promise, James. Rwy'n addo."

"I know you care, I know you're sorry. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about em_you_/em."

"I'll be fine, I promise. Try convince Sirius out of coming here, okay? I'll see you when you get back. I love you, really."  
"I love you too, Rem. Be safe."  
"Okay."

James was the one who hung up, leaving Remus sitting on the floor, not quite sure what to do with himself. Most of all, hoping that Sirius wasn't going to come and break down his door, he didn't want to have to get his door fixed, and more importantly, he didn't want to have to discuss things with Sirius. He em_couldn't_/em. He just couldn't. Maybe this was him making excuses — it definitely was — but he didn't have the energy at the moment. Not for that. Not for Sirius, really. Not because of Sirius, necessarily, just because, well because of him, he supposed. If he tried to explain things, he'd just end up sounding crazy.

So he pushed aside that thought, made himself a cup of tea, grabbed his textbooks and settled down in front of the heater. Figuring he may as well get some studying done if he was going to be a coward about the rest of it.

—

It was nearly four hours later, 8:47, when Sirius called, and Remus had half a mind not to pick up the phone, but he always felt awful after ignoring a call, so he seldom did.

"Hello," he offered, wincing at the sound of his voice, cringing at the reply he knew would come.

"I'm coming over. James is right, if you don't open the door, I will force it open."  
"Please don't."  
"Then talk."  
"No."  
"I'm coming then."

"No."

"I'm coming. I'll be there in fifteen. End of discussion."

"Don't."

"Then talk to me. Or James. Or Lily. Talk to Peter, Marlene, Dorcas. Just fucking talk. Remus, I don't want to do anything that will hurt you, and I know that Gilderoy probably came over unwanted too, but I also don't want em_you_/em doing anything to hurt you."

"I will talk, I will. Just not yet."

"I'm coming over." And just the way Sirius said it, Remus knew that there wasn't going to be any room for argument.

"Sirius."

"No," Sirius' voice was sharp and Remus almost flinched. "I'll see you in fifteen. Be there."

"Okay," came Remus' hushed reply before he quickly hung up.

What had he gotten himself into? He should've just stayed, pushed through. He should have done better. And now he'd messed up. He'd fucked all of it up. He'd abandoned James, he'd hurt Sirius. It was a mess. All because of him and his fucking anxiety. Now Sirius was coming over and Remus wasn't in any state to talk. Especially not to Sirius. He'd pulled Sirius away from what could've been a lovely few days. He'd gone to help James and now he'd done the opposite. Leaving them all thinking he was the one that needed help. But what could he do now? Sirius was on his way over, and Remus had no doubt that Sirius em_would_/em kick down the door if he needed to. So, tea in hand, Remus sat himself down on the couch, front door unlocked, phone next to him. Hoping, hoping that somehow, Sirius would decide not to come.

Unfortunately, his hope didn't work so well. Fifteen minutes later found Sirius on Remus' front step, knocking urgently.

"It's unlocked."

That was all it took for Sirius to be standing on the inside of Remus' apartment.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered, not meeting Sirius' eyes, and not standing up from his spot on the couch.

"Oh Rem," Sirius' voice was quiet, "can I come over?"

"It wasn't a question before."

"It is now."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

Sirius walked over quickly, but hesitantly, eventually perching on the opposite end of the couch. There was silence for a few minutes, neither boy really sure what they should be saying. Neither of them wanting to hurt the other, though that seemed inevitable, to Remus at least. Sirius looked exhausted and a little defeated, an expression he never thought he'd see on Sirius, though he knew that if their friendship continued, he was bound to. Sirius looked like it would only take a few sentences to send him crumbling, and Remus knew that he looked similar. What a pair they made the two of them.

"We've got to talk, Remus," Sirius began. Remus' only reply was a small noise of assent. "No, we really do have to talk. Which means you have to talk too. What happened?"

"Nothing important. I can come back to Brighton if that's what it takes for you all to stop worrying."

"Oh yes, if you come back after running out on us all, after having ignored me all day, yeah, coming back will fix it! That doesn't even make sense."

"It doesn't have to," Remus replied, nervously playing with an elastic band.

"Yeah, yeah it does. What happened?"  
"With what? Running out? I don't know. So leave it alone." Remus' jaw was clenched, and despite the pain he was in, he was ready to run if he needed to.

"Yes you do. You definitely know, you just don't want to talk about it," Sirius paused, sitting up straighter as if he were steeling himself for whatever was coming next, "You flinched when I touched you. You haven't done that in weeks."

"We've barely known each other for weeks," Remus snapped.

"Is that what this is? You think we're too close for people who've not known each other long?"  
"I think we're too close point blank."

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked, now clenching his fists.

"Hit me if that's what you want. I don't care," Remus paused, he did care, very much, but if Sirius wanted to hit him like his fists suggested it would make all of this so much easier, "I just don't think whatever it is we're doing is a good idea."

"Why the hell would I hit you?"

"I don't know."  
"Then stop it. And the only thing we've been doing is being friends. If you don't want that, fine."  
"I just can't."

"You can. You just won't." And this time Sirius' voice was cold and harsher than he'd heard it before. "I don't know what's going on, but running away—" there is was, there was the phrase, " —won't help."

"It might."  
"Talking will help!" Sirius was practically yelling now. "Running won't. I've tried it! You've tried it! Enough is enough, just talk." And now Sirius was yelling, and Remus wanted to do nothing more than stand up and leave, but he couldn't do that either, because as much as he didn't want to admit it, Sirius was right.

"I don't need to talk. And I definitely don't need another Gilderoy in my life."

"How am I like Gilderoy? We're not even dating." Sirius wasn't yelling now, but Remus knew it would take half a moment for it to rise back up again.

"You figure that out. But as of right now, get out."

"Fine."

Within seconds, Sirius was gone and Remus was shaking. An angry groan and Remus' mug was in pieces on the floor. He knew he'd regret it when he next went to grab a mug and saw that there was an uneven amount, but that didn't matter now. None of it mattered now. Holding the jumper Sirius brought close, he sighed; how had things gone so very wrong? He hadn't a clue, though he wished he did. He'd been trying, trying to make this all work. What was this exactly? He wasn't sure.

All he knew was, he cared for Sirius an awful lot. More so than he had cared for anyone new in a long time. The last time he'd been so close to someone so quickly, it had been Gilderoy. Sure, he'd made friends since then, but nothing — no one — had taken over quite so quickly. Maybe he should've turned him away at the bakery when they first met, but not even Remus could deny that whatever had been going on between him and Sirius had been nice. More than nice, in fact. But was it James nice? Or was it something else?


	18. Some Of The Pranks Had Been Glorious

Author's Notes: Once again, thank you to mrsspock for letting me know about the formatting of the chapter. And also, for taking the time to read it!

* * *

Sunday now, and Remus had barely left his apartment. Three nights since he'd left James' parents, and he'd only left to buy some groceries. Just in case anyone did coming over without letting him know. He'd learnt from that mistake, he didn't particularly want anyone else coming over and discovering empty pantries. Not that the turn of events with Sirius had been unpleasant. Andromeda and Ted had been great, and of course, Dora had been just amazing. Nothing had been unpleasant until he'd fucked it up. So there was that too. 

He'd spoken to James every day since he had left. After all, he still wanted to make sure James was okay. It was a big Remus insisted on not being a complete monster. As he expected, Lily had sent a text with a fairly lengthy list of places he could go get some help. She was probably right — she usually was — but if he was going to sort out whatever the hell was going on with him, he'd need more than a once off ranting session. He didn't have the time or the money for that. Or the energy, come to think of it.

These past few days, he'd been in incredible amounts of pain. So ingrained into his body, he almost didn't think he'd ever be rid of it. Painkillers, he'd taken painkillers. He did his very best not to take anything. He hated being dependent on something to function, and plus, they couldn't be good for him anyway. So he avoided them like the plague, but the plague had caught up to him now, and he had to choose. Functional on medication? Or nonfunctional, off medication? So he chose the former, however reluctantly. He couldn't spend days just sitting around doing nothing. He'd drive himself insane. Maybe he was already insane. Confused, conflicted, and hopeless. That seemed more accurate.

Most of all though, he was frustrated. Frustrated with his illness. Frustrated with his inability to function without painkillers. Frustrated with his own running away. Frustrated with himself for not being able to deal with the whole Sirius thing properly. He didn't know how to fix the things he broke. Was it too late? He didn't want that. He didn't want that at all.

James had told him to just send a message and see what happens, but Remus hadn't quite worked up the courage yet. Hoping, hoping that Sirius would come bursting in, as he so often had. But Sirius didn't, and Remus was running out of options.

He would end up caving in. He almost always did. He was good at giving in. Gilderoy could attest to that, Remus thought bitterly. Bitter at Gilderoy, bitter at himself. At Gilderoy for being an abusive arsehole. At himself for being so fucking stupid about it all. A tosser if there ever was one.

But not yet, not yet. Coffee next to him this morning. Recipe files to the right, coursework to the left. Accompanied by an overwhelming sense of exhaustion — hence the coffee — smack dab in the middle of it all.

Pushing that aside, he got to work. Things needed to be organised. It wasn't long before the bakery would be open again and he needed to make sure everything would be okay for that.

—

After hours spent reviewing recipes, prices, wages, and much, much more, Remus was exhausted. Even more exhausted that was. And that was with the four cups of coffee he'd had. Healthy? Maybe not so much. But, productive? Absolutely.

He could only hope that he didn't look back over it all and find out that he had completely looked over the things he was meant to keep an eye out for. He'd get Lily, and possibly Marlene to check it out before applying it all. They were the most likely to know what he was doing right and wrong. James was hopeless with noticing details. Lily in particular, would be very helpful, and quietly too. Not that he really minded, but it did seem to be that she was the only one who'd learnt even a little silence. She wasn't quiet as a person rather the opposite in fact, but knew when to keep her voice down. And he appreciated her tremendously for that.

Of course, it had always been Remus who took the place as the quiet one. Quietly mischievous, sure. But definitely quiet. Most likely, that's how it would always be. He didn't know a time when it hadn't been like that. A strong moral compass put to waste because of his quietness. He was the quiet coward. A simple enough title, right?

—

That evening and he'd not spoken to anyone. He'd not left the apartment. He'd eaten an apple and some soup, along with a shit load of coffee. A weird day, that was for sure. Most likely it was enhanced by the coffee. He rarely drank coffee, it tended to make him even more anxious, and that wasn't something he needed. But today he had decided — for some strange reason — that he needed to kickstart the day. Clearly, he'd kept with the theme. The last time he remembered drinking so much coffee was when he was fifteen and had practically decided it would be a good idea to run purely on coffee and repressed emotions. A bad decision, that was a definite. Truly though, it would've been sad if his best ideas came at fifteen, though he couldn't deny, some of the pranks had been glorious.

Pranks… that brought him back to James. James who hadn't called, hadn't texted. Meaning that Remus had to. Not that he minded, it just seemed to be a thing that had fallen into place over the years. If they didn't see each other in a day, they'd message. Funny, being friends for so many years and none of them had gotten tired of each other yet.

Of course, Peter, James and Remus had promised "forever" all those years ago, but how often was that true? It seemed James and Lily would vow their "forever" soon enough. And Remus didn't know what would happen with Dorcas and Marlene, as friends they'd been around for a long time, but together? A year? But they were all nineteen and twenty, things would change. Things were allowed to change. Why would they all settle now? Hopefully not even a quarter into their lives, they didn't need to have everything sorted out now.


	19. Basically Broke Into My Apartment

Monday night saw everyone at James and Lily's. Well, everyone except Sirius, though he'd been invited. Remus didn't know whether to be grateful or disappointed about that. He seemed to have trouble with those things when it came to Sirius. Though he supposed he wasn't particularly good at understanding his thoughts when it came to most things. But with Sirius...well, somehow it seemed even more complicated. How? He didn't know, but it definitely was.

But enough of that. Peter was back. Dorcas and Marls were there. Obviously James and Lily were, it was their place after all. Apparently they'd also invited Frank, Mary, and Alice, but they'd not been able to come. A little sad really, Remus hadn't seen any of them in so long now. But in a way it was good. Quiet was nice. Though, six 19/20 year old's, weren't generally quiet, so maybe that wasn't the right word. But it would be nice. Remus had had to convince himself that it was actually a good idea. He'd been rather inclined to stay home with a whole lot of tea and chocolate. But no. Socialising was good. At least, that's what he told himself.

So here they were, sitting in the living room. Plates on laps. Music playing from someone's phone. Remus didn't even know whose phone it was. There had been some discussion of watching a movie, but Marlene needed to get home at eight, and she despised leaving in the middle of movies. So they made do with music and chat. Everyone discovering what everyone else had been up to over the holidays. Marlene and Dorcas had a good time at Dorcas' parents, though Christmas was always a touchy time for Marlene ever since the Christmas she'd introduced Dorcas to her parents, and it… well it hadn't ended well. Peter's mum was feeling much better, but it was quite the scare. So everyone had been glad Peter could make it. He also warned them that he might have to go back sometime in the next few months, she was much better, but still at a dangerous tipping point. They'd all assured him he should do whatever he needed to. Lily and James had shared their story of their time with James' parents, including the fact that Lily was pregnant — met with cheers, hugs, and a whole lot of disbelief. They'd carefully left out the reason why Remus left earlier than planned — something Remus would be forever grateful for. And with all the stories, particularly Dorcas' — Remus had never heard of someone struggle to put up a Christmas tree so much — the time passed quickly and eight came around all too soon.

Somehow it had been decided that they may as well all leave at the same time, especially since Lily, James, and Peter had all gotten home this morning. They were tired, and Remus was kind of glad to home. It was lovely spending time with them all, and he was glad he did, but still exhausted from the past few days home sounded really good right now. So with fifteen minute long goodbyes, a whole heap of hugs, some extra Christmas presents and promises to see everyone soon, they were all out the door.

—

Home. Quiet. Peaceful. Safe.

At least, that's what Remus thought when he _first_ walked inside. About a second later, he noticed that there was someone sitting in a corner with a lamp and a book. If it had been a dream, Remus would have assumed that it was him sitting in the corner. He couldn't count the amount of times he'd done that before. But it wasn't a dream, or at least, he didn't think it was. And he didn't have hallucinations, so it wasn't him, and it was a very real person. A very real person who, once finishing their page, laid the book face down on the floor, stood up and took a step closer to Remus with an apologetic smile.

"So, I know this probably seems _very_ odd," Sirius began, somewhat sheepishly.

Remus raised his eyebrows, "You're not wrong."

"You weren't reaching out or anything, so I a—"

"Let me guess, you asked Lily what to do? And she gave you the key?"

"You're not wrong."

"Look at us go, so good at working out each other's minds." Remus couldn't help but grin a little. What else was there to do?

"Look at us, indeed," Sirius hesitated, tugging at his hair, "I probably should have called first."

"Yeah, I mean, that would've been a good idea." Remus shook his head, turning to flick the light switch on. As lovely as the lamp was, he preferred to be able to see Sirius properly. Not in a dimly lit room.

"Yeah, it would have. But I didn't. So, can we talk?"

"I suppose so. I'm not going to send you away after you've made all this effort, am I?"

_And really, I was going to message you anyway. _

"You can if you want. I don't want to pressure you into anything,"

"That's very kind coming from the person who basically broke into my apartment."

"I had a key!"

Remus could only shake his head at that. He didn't quite know how Sirius was managing to make this feel normal. He didn't quite know why he was grinning. It was only a few hours before that he'd been obsessing over how he would handle things when he finally did message Sirius. Clearly, all that obsessing was for nothing, because all his plans had been thrown out the window, albeit gloriously.

"So, how's this going to go?" Remus found himself asking, as he moved over to sit on the couch, motioning for Sirius to join him.

"I honestly have no idea, but we do have to talk."

"Yeah, I'd worked that bit out myself. Funnily enough."

"I'm glad I didn't terrify you so much that you forgot your sarcasm," Sirius noted, leaning back on the couch.

"Nothing could terrify me that much. Not even you."

"Am I really that horrifying?"

"The problem is that you're _not_." Remus paused, squinting at Sirius. "I know what you're doing. You can't trick me into talking."

"It was a question, not a trick," Sirius retorted, holding up his hands in surrender.

"Hm."

"You said yourself, we have to talk."

"I know."

And he did know, he did know. He almost wanted to talk. But his stupid anxiety, and stupid Gilderoy wouldn't let him. There was too much fear. He didn't know how to talk. He could barely talk to James about things like this, let alone Sirius. But Sirius was here, and looking at him so patiently that he could cry. How long though, how long until Remus finally frustrated him enough that he left? How long? Because he couldn't open up. He couldn't talk. If it was all for a relationship of a month.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. I don't really like talking about personal stuff either. But you know we have to." Sirius' voice was painfully gentle, and Remus could feel himself wanting to give in to it all. Sirius' eyes were soft, and for the first time tonight, Remus noticed just how tired Sirius looked. He supposed he looked the same. And he wondered if Sirius' sleepless nights had been spent thinking about him, or if there was something else going on too.

"We do, don't we?" Remus stopped, closing his eyes for a moment before starting to talk again. "I'm scared, Sirius. Really, really scared. I don't think I've ever been as close to someone as I am with you, so quickly. It took awhile with James, it took awhile with Lily. Peter doesn't even know I'm pan, I'm not telling him anything until things calm down with his family, because we all still call him out on his casual homophobia. Gilderoy, well, he was quicker, but he also ended a lot worse. And I know you're not like him, you're not an awful person. But I can't help but wonder if we're making a mistake here. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to be hurt."

"Oh cheri." Sirius ran his hand through his hair, eyes wide, letting out a sigh. "I'm sincerely hoping this isn't a mistake, because you're the first person I've properly liked in a long, long time. Sure, there's been friends, but they're never like this. Hell, they're never even like any of the rest of the people I've met through you. I've had my brother, and not even him, really. So yeah, I get attatched quickly, and that's my fault." He paused and took in a breath before meeting Remus' eyes, and diving back in, "I dive headfirst into things, ridiculous things, and it's taking all of my self control not to go completely over the top in this conversation. But I'm refusing to scare you off, because I've missed you these past few days."

Remus couldn't help but be amazed at this boy, this strange, strange boy who'd basically broken into his apartment, who had walked into a bakery at three in the morning, who was now opening himself up almost completely after Remus had ignored him for days. How had this strange, strange boy missed him? Compared to Sirius, Remus knew he was nothing. He wasn't particularly intelligent, he wasn't funny, he wasn't even really attractive, and _clearly_ he wasn't too good at being a friend. But still, Sirius was here, smiling a little, patiently waiting for Remus' reply.

"I don't think you could scare me off. It's never you that scares me, it's me that scares me. Everything's so easy with you Sirius. And I don't understand why it's so easy, but it is. I mean, it's not easy, clearly because we're having this conversation. But I have fun with you, Sirius. And I trust you. Why is that?"

"How am I supposed to know? Because I certainly don't. But I feel the same. It's not easy because there's so much to it, but at the same time, I think it could be."

"If only I was a little less of a mess," Remus said with a sheepish sort of smile.

"Listen up, cheri, you're a mess, yeah—"

"Not going for comforting?"  
"Hush. Just wait. Before I was _rudely_ interrupted, I was going to say you're a hell of a mess, but so am I. So you don't get to blame this on yourself, alright?"

"I gu—"  
"Alright?" Sirius' voice was stern, but there was a gleeful glint in his eyes.

"Alright," Remus gave in much less reluctantly than his tone implied.

Easy. So easy.

"Come here," Sirius demanded, grinning, opening his arms wide and beckoning for Remus.

"Why?"

"Hugs."

"You're an idiot," Remus muttered, but still shuffled across the couch to lean against Sirius, who put an arm around Remus.

"I am an idiot. But you're the man who said I could call you _whatever the fuck I want to _so, I'm going to say you're just as much of an idiot as I am."  
"Well, you're not wrong."

"I'm rarely wrong."

"Pfft."


	20. Ready?

"Aren't you doing anything for New Year's?" Sirius asked, voice soft, arm still wrapped firmly around Remus.

"New Year's?"

"New Year's Eve. That's why you were at James and Lily's? Right?"

Remus was supremely confused now. Was it New Year's? He honestly wasn't sure. The past few days had been a bit of a mess. Trying to keep everything in order, but the stress had gotten to him much more than he would ever admit. And his fibro didn't react well to normal amounts of stress, let alone this whole conflict thing with Sirius that had been going on. He was glad that it had calmed down a bit today, or else he just wouldn't be able to be pressed so close to Sirius. Which would've been terrible, as much as he hated to think it. He was aching, but that was normal, so it was okay. It would be okay. He'd rather be in a little extra pain close to Sirius, than almost the same amount of pain, away.

"Hey, earth to Remus." Sirius was waving his left hand in front of Remus' face, probably for a lot longer than should've been necessary. But it didn't seem like Sirius minded much.

"Ah, sorry," Remus replied, batting Sirius' hand away. "No, not doing anything for New Year's. Didn't even realise it was."

"Fair enough." Sirius paused, tugging at his hair — and _shit_ Remus wanted to run his hands through that boy's hair — "Do, do you want me to leave? You could make plans if you wanted to."

"No, no I've really got no plans. Do I seem like the type of person to go out partying? If James and Lil haven't organised anything then I don't generally go anywhere." Remus gave a nervous laugh, and he realised just how much he didn't want Sirius to leave.

"You might be. You could. If you wanted to."

"Yeah, no thanks. How about you? You're definitely the right type of person for that." Remus hoped that didn't sound rude, but it was true. Sirius with his leather, his jewelry, his motorbike. Sirius and glitter and lights and dancing. Yeah, Sirius was that kind of person.

"No, not tonight. Sure, I've done it before. And sure, it's great. But not tonight."

"Wanna stay?" Remus asked softly, barely more than a murmur, but the question clear. "I mean, you don't have to of course. It's not like it's the nicest place, it's not like it's particularly exciting," he quickly added on, realising just how intimate things had become. Sitting basically pressed into each other, talking softly. Intimate.

"I know I don't have to. I want to. Yes, I want to." Sirius was smiling now, and he pulled away from Remus a little, sitting so they could look at each other properly. Remus had noticed that Sirius had never really been one for eye contact, though his eyes were so expressive. He'd meet anyone's gaze, but was quick to look away. Remus wondered why it was, he wondered if it was something that had always been like that. But right now, he wondered why Sirius was holding this moment for so long. Looking directly into each other's eyes. Sirius' steel grey soft and kind, smiling. Remus' amber warm and glowing, nervous.

"Well, we can't set off any fireworks here, but I'm sure we'll be able to see them." It was Remus who broke the moment, much to his surprise. He was curious as to why Sirius had held the eye contact for so long, but he wasn't going to ask. Not after their recent fight. He would just accept that something had happened, and honestly, it wasn't like that was going to be that hard.

"Fireworks are good, but I don't mind if we can't see them. We've got awhile to wait 'til then anyway."

"Yeah, yeah I guess we do. Three hours? Something like that?" Remus asked, he didn't actually know what time he had gotten home. He certainly didn't know how long they had talked for, and he didn't know how long they'd just sat there together, breathing in the regained peace.

"Two and a half," Sirius replied, checking his phone. "I have to say, I was surprised that Lily said I should come round tonight. I thought all of you would do something."

"We generally do. I mean, we all went to school together, so there's that. But yeah. Normally I would say that it was because Jamie and Lil wanted to fuck, but I think James is a bit overprotective at the moment." Remus paused for a moment, thinking. "Though thinking about it now, that's probably why we're not doing anything."

Sirius' eyes widened before he replied with, "Ah, I see."

"Why the shock?"  
I've just never heard you talk about sex freely?" Sirius shook his head and grinned a little. "It's not a bad thing, just new, I guess."

"Ah, I see."

It was the only response Remus could think of without telling Sirius that he was asexual. Normally, he'd just have told him, but they'd already done the intense part of the evening. Neither of them needed anything more to it. And he knew that Sirius wouldn't react badly, most likely, but he also knew that it generally took a lot of explaining. Explaining things like how he _did_ still feel romantic attraction, and how he _did_ still like kissing people. He'd kissed enough people in his life to know that he definitely did. And it also added a whole other level to his relationship with Gilderoy. He definitely didn't want to end up talking about Gilderoy. Not tonight. Not on New Year's Eve. Not when he was spending New Year's Eve with Sirius.

"What's up, amour?" Sirius asked, looking somewhat worried at Remus' expression. Remus must have been thinking longer than he'd realised.

"Nothing important, annwyl," came Remus' response, accompanied with a soft smile. It was easy to call Sirius _annwyl_ and he didn't mind that so much. He had accepted it by now. And he didn't think it was easy because he loved Sirius like he loved James. No, that didn't seem quite right. He didn't really want to think about the other option, but it seemed like that was it. Of course, because things couldn't just be simple, could they?

"How stupid do you think I am!" Sirius exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

"Well… Now that you ask," Remus teased, "I'm sure I could tell you."

"That's just plain rude." Sirius poked Remus' arm. "I knew you liked insulting people."

"I never said I didn't."

"Evil. Good thing you and Andy don't see each other more often."

"I quite enjoyed my time with Andy."

"You spent most of your time with Dora," Sirius pointed out, eyebrows raised.

He was right, Remus couldn't disagree. "True."

"So, what's up?"

"Do we have to go through this again? Nothing important? Will it work this time?" Remus tried, wincing a little.

"You don't have to talk about it, but it's definitely something important. Tu peux me faire confiance."

"I've got no idea what you just said, and I _know_ you speak English fluently."

"I do. But I also speak French, and you can't really tell me you don't like hearing French."

Remus sighed at that. He did like hearing Sirius speak French, and as much as that was because French was a beautiful language, he had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the fact that it was because it was _Sirius_ speaking French.

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"Dim sylw," Remus muttered, shaking his head.

"Are you going to tell me what's got you so worked up, cheri?"

"I'm asexual." It was blunt. It was the best way to come out, Remus had found. It was easier to be blunt about it than to stutter over it and make it soft for the other person. He'd tried that before. It hadn't worked. So, why would he try it again?

"Garçon stupide!" Sirius shook his head and leaned forward to hug Remus, before gripping his shoulders and pulling away a little. "I wouldn't care about that! Not at all. Thank you for trusting me, chéri. It's all okay. Comment vous sentiriez-vous si je vous embrassais? You don't mind hugs though?"

"I understood the first part, you made that pretty clear," Remus said, laughing.

_It was okay, it was okay, Sirius didn't mind._

"But I have no idea what the second part was. Comma what-now?" Remus was grinning, and he was simultaneously excited and calm.

"If you could understand that I would've been surprised to say the least." Sirius grinned back at Remus, brushing his hair away from his face. "Basically it means: you don't mind hugs though?"

"No, no I would've told you before now if I had a problem with that. No, no I do genuinely like hugs and all the physical affection — that sounds weird — it's just sex that's a no. Literally, kissing, hugging, anything else is all good, just no sex. And I mean, I don't feel sexual attraction, but I can obviously tell when someone's attractive and all that."

"Cool, cool. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't making you feel uncomfortable or anything."

Remus could feel the relief flooding through him, as cliché as that was. Everything was calmer now. He could feel his shoulders relax, he could feel his heart slowing down a little. He never thought that Sirius would be upset about it or anything, but still, there was always that fear. That unconscious fear. Maybe not for everyone, but definitely for him. And he was glad that his didn't have to have that conversation with Sirius ever again. And really, after he'd mentioned his fibro when talking about Gilderoy, that was all the major things that Sirius — that anyone, not _just_ Sirius — needed to know. Pan. Ace. Fibro.

"No, no you've definitely not made me uncomfortable. But thank you for checking, that's, it's really nice of you."

"I'm a very nice person," Sirius replied, putting on his poshest sounding voice. A very realistic sounding one, Remus would've said.

"Mhm, sure you are."

"Hey!"

"Well, is that really how you want to be known? Nice?" Remus asked, partly curious, partly sarcastic. Wondering which part Sirius would play along with.

"Well, it would be rather cool to be _Nice_," Sirius replied, smirking as he said the name of the city.

"Hurtyn." Because of course, the only good reply to Sirius was a Welsh insult.

"And you say French is weird."

"It is!"

"Welsh is worse."  
"Debatable."

"Not at all. It's definitely worse."  
"Ddim yn hollol."

"Définitivement pire."

"Rydym yn wallgof."

"Pourrais-je avouer en français?"

"A fyddech chi'n dweud na pe bawn i'n gofyn i chi cusanu?"

"C'est bizarre!"

"I can guess what that one means!" Remus exclaimed, before they both dissolved into laughter.

Both shaking with mirth, eyes sparkling with excitement. The only sound in the room was laughter and gasping breaths. Neither of them really knew why they were laughing. Neither of them knew what the other was saying after all. But they were ridiculous. This was ridiculous. In the best possible way. Remus was laughing so much that he was almost falling off the couch, and Sirius had to grab his arm and pull him back up. It was the most Remus had laughed in a long time. It was definitely the freest he'd ever seen Sirius. Sirius, looking stunning as usual, hair brushed behind his ears, eyes lit up with tears from laughing so much, looking like something magical. It was the perfect scene, Remus realised, the English lit student coming out in him. It was different perfect to the perfect at James' parents. This was more personal, this was more intense. This was everything he could want right now. This was home.

—

Time had passed with more laughter, more conversation, more comfort. Remus had taken Sirius to see his piles of books in his room after Sirius had made a comment about just how many books Remus had. Remus had replied with a, "oh come with me". The look on Sirius' face had sent Remus into more laughter. After that they'd sat down on Remus' bed, and he realised he couldn't remember the last time he had someone sit on his bed. It must've been at school. James didn't often come over, not for lack of trying though. And of course, it had been more Gilderoy's bed than Remus'.

So this was nice. Really nice. More than nice. It felt right. Sirius and he on his bed, laughing, talking. Remus explaining why he liked particular books, Sirius pointing out which ones he'd read and why he liked them. Sirius mentioning that he liked the stories Remus had written in his Christmas present. Remus had blushed bright red and had pointed out that the picture Sirius had painting was hanging on his bedroom wall. Clearly, they were both good at choosing presents. Or rather, creating them. And that time, it was Sirius who, well he didn't blush, but he certainly looked away very… embarrassed. An expression Remus had never though he'd see on Sirius.

Confident, proud, brilliant, beautiful Sirius. Embarrassed? No, no Remus could never have guessed that an embarrassed Sirius even existed. Apparently though, Embarrassed Sirius did exist, and it was extraordinarily adorable. Another thing Remus wouldn't have guessed. Gorgeous, funny, beautiful, attractive, yes. He imagined that other people would see Sirius as sexy. But adorable? Well, it wasn't something he'd imagined, but yes, yes Sirius could be and definitely was adorable. Becoming more and more like a dog it seemed.

Remus had pointed this out, which had only led them to more laughter.

—

Now it was five minutes to midnight, and standing by the window, Remus wondered if the two of them should stop smoking before the New Year began. It probably wasn't the healthiest thing to bring into the New Year, but then again, it wasn't really likely that either of them were going to quit anyway. So what was the point of pretending? Really?

"Do you think we should stop the smoking?" Sirius asked, just as Remus opened his mouth to mention it.

"Are you a mind reader?" Remus exclaimed incredulously, throwing up his hands. Thy had always had good timing, the two of them, even if they didn't know it.

"No, I don't think so. Not the last time I checked anyway." Sirius grinned, brushing his hair away from his face — Remus couldn't count the times Sirius had done that tonight, clearly he needed a haircut, but god, it was attractive. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing," Remus explained, "But clearly, you beat me to it. I was wondering though, if either of us are actually planning on quitting?"  
"I was thinking about it, my brother told me he was concerned about it the other day."

"That's sweet that he's concerned," Remus replied, smiling a little. The last time Sirius had mentioned his brother, it hadn't been a pleasant conversation. It wasn't really all that long ago, now that he thought about it.

Sirius took a long drag of his cigarette before exhaling and replied, "Yeah, it is sweet. I wish he would get out of there though. Be more concerned about himself for once."  
"Fair enough." Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius. He didn't quite know why he did it, he thought he might need the contact as much as Sirius.

Sirius grinned and turned to face Remus more, half faced to the window, half to Remus. "Almost midnight."

"Almost midnight," Remus echoed, looking out the window. Unaware of Sirius' eyes watching him gently.

He thought maybe it best _not_ to look at Sirius. Sirius in the moonlight, in the haze of midnight, of being in his room, of this _closeness_. But really, how could anyone help it? He most certainly didn't know, and he wasn't about to find out either. So he turned, surprised when he found Sirius' eyes ready to meet his own. It was the most eye contact they'd ever had, and right now, Sirius' eyes were more beautiful than ever. Long eyelashes, grey irises, and catching the moonlight, if Remus could paint, this is what he would paint. He could hear people counting down the seconds to midnight. Clearly they were over-excited because they were starting at sixty. To the new year. To a new beginning. But it was all half lost in the haze of excitement and happiness, of moonlight and almost-midnight.

Neither of them spoke until the people counting got to fifteen. It was Sirius who spoke first, eyes bright, breaking the eye contact, "I suppose we should count too." Running a hand through his hair.

"I suppose so," Remus agreed, half nodding. Delighted when their eyes met again, unable to stop his grin.

"Ready?" Sirius asked, smiling slightly, genuinely.

Remus smiled back, leaning against the window frame. "Yeah, I am. Are you?"  
"Of course." Sirius tugged at his hair, shifting his eyes around again.

"Stupid question, isn't it?"

"Absolument."

"Let's talk English for now, yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah, let's do that."

"Thanks for being here."

"Thanks for letting me stay."

There was silence then. Rain starting to fall, people still counting outside. _Seven._ They were back to eye contact again, and Remus couldn't believe it. He also couldn't believe that Sirius was thanking him for letting him stay. There was no one Remus would've liked to be here more. There's no one else he would have wanted to stand in front of an open window, ignoring the people counting down below, with. No one.

The rain started falling faster, louder. Remus could hear it on the roof, feel it blowing through the window. He didn't care. It was almost midnight. Sirius was here. That was all he cared about at the moment. Standing with their arms just brushing against each other, cigarettes stubbed out, watching each other. Listening to the counts, to the rain, to the record Remus had put on earlier. Another scene Remus would paint. Another photograph he'd take. But he'd much rather be standing here, experiencing it. So he did. Standing there with Sirius. That's all he did.

"Happy new year, Remus. Mon amour."

"Happy new year, Sirius. Fy nghariad."

Their words were gentle whispers. Barely more than a breath. But still, they heard each other perfectly, as people do in moments when things are perfectly timed, perfectly coordinated, perfectly unplanned. Their smiles were as soft as their words. A contrast against the cheering from downstairs, a peace against the fireworks from the city. Both caught in a silver-blue haze of relief. Neither quite sure where to go from here. Not that either of them really minded. Neither minded about very much. Just keeping this calmness. Just keeping each other. Just being okay. And they were. Caught in their silver-blue haze, Remus felt okay, and Sirius looked more at peace than Remus had ever seen him. They were okay.

* * *

Some translations!

Tu peux me faire confiance - You can trust me

Dim sylw - No comment

Chéri - Darling

Garçon stupide! - Stupid boy!

Comment vous sentiriez-vous si je vous embrassais bien? - How would you feel if I kissed you though?

Hurtyn - Stupid

Ddim yn hollol - Absolutely not

Définitivement pire - Definitely worse

Rydym yn wallgof - We are insane

Pourrais-je avouer en français - Can I confess in French?

A fyddech chi'n dweud na pe bawn i'n gofyn i chi cusanu - Would you say no if I asked to kiss you?

C'est bizarre - This is crazy

Absolument - Absolutely

Mon amour - My love

Fy nghariad - My love


	21. Everyone, Close Your Eyes

Remus found himself smiling the next morning as he made tea for Sirius and himself, thinking about everything he and Sirius had shared the night before. It was a little easier to breathe now. It was a little easier to cope now. He didn't know if it was all sorted, but he knew that a friendship with Sirius was definitely something he had. And clearly, if he hadn't messed it up completely by now, there was something going right. He must have been doing something right. Perhaps he should start singing that song from the Sound of Music?

Perhaps not. 

Singing or no, he was almost happy. Stupid really, for such a total mood switch to happen, but it wasn't like his brain functioned great at the best of times. Let alone when he was worried about something. Let alone when there was someone who he cared for involved in it all. But he wasn't going to spend the day debating about whether or not he should be happy. And he couldn't say that last night with Sirius hadn't been lovely. He couldn't think of anything more perfect, if he was being honest. There was very little he could imagine going so well as that. So he wasn't going to overanalyse what this happiness meant, he wasn't going to overthink whether or not he had the right to be. He was going to grasp it and hold onto it as tightly as he possibly could.

Something that should be fairly easy, considering he and Lily were set for lunch in a couple of hours. He'd messaged her when Sirius had gone to change into more comfortable clothes, at something like half one, part of the message scolding her and half thanking her for her plan. She'd responded with at least four laughing gifs, and then suggested they meet so he could tell her what happened properly. With some reluctance, and a smile, Remus agreed and he was glad that he did. Mornings when he woke up happy were rare, and he was prepared to take full advantage of it.

Realistically it could be because he was overtired. It had been New Year's Eve last night, and he'd insisted that Sirius stay the night. He absolutely did not want Sirius riding on that motorbike in the middle of the night. So Sirius had stayed, and they'd both stayed awake for hours. Remus was sure that it has been at least a quarter to four by the time that they'd finally collapsed into Remus' bed. It was a wonder they both fit, really. Remus' bed was only a double, and he was quite tall. Thankfully, Sirius was shorter, and had no fear of being close to other people. Remus had suggested that he sleep on the couch and give Sirius the bed, but Sirius had told him not to be stupid. So Remus went along with it, not unhappily.

Tea made, he carefully carried the mugs back to his room. Passing one to Sirius, before setting his own on the bedside table and slipping back under the covers. Nevermind that it was a little weird to just be sitting in bed with Sirius, it was cold, and he was willing to be awkward for the sake of warmth. It was barely awkward though, the two of them chatting happily, sleepily.

—

Sirius had left not long after. Some breakfast, more tea, and some laughter had sent him on his way. Leaving Remus with a sense of peace, as he tidied his apartment before he left to meet Lily. What a lovely start to the New Year, he thought. How could things go better? First with Sirius, now with Lily. He'd send everyone else messages later. How much better could it get? Not much, was his guess. Not that he really wanted to think about what could go differently. So turning away from that subject and towards last night, he smiled to himself. Lily would be pleased her plan worked so well.

—

Twelve o'clock and Lily had just arrived at the cafe they were meeting at. Her hair tied back into a low ponytail, a beanie crammed on her head. And still she looked just as lovely as always. That was always something Remus wondered about, how on earth Lily always managed to look so put together. He suspected it was the universe's plot to make sure there was someone to counterbalance James' perpetual nest of hair. He didn't blame the universe for that. That's how he would've planned it too. So she came in, grinning, shrugging off her coat and hanging it on the back of her chair. Sitting down opposite Remus with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Remus, on the other hand just rolled his with a, "I've ordered your coffee."

"You're brilliant, as always."  
"Just good at knowing things I've done for years now."

"No need to be a smart arse just yet, is there?"

"There's always need for that, Lils. You know this."

"True, I do," she said, laughing. Her eyes lighting up even more, and she almost knocked over a glass.

"No breaking things, alright?"

"Do you think I can use being pregnant as an excuse?" Lily asked, eyebrow arched.

"No, I don't. I think your lifetime of clumsiness proves otherwise."

"True. But surely, surely I could say that I stayed up late last night for New Years, right?"  
"I mean, you could, if you looked even close to someone who had stayed up super late last night."  
"Yeah, fair enough."

She grinned, taking a sip of her coffee. "So, Sirius?"

Remus blushed, though he wasn't really sure why. Or rather, he was exactly sure why, but didn't particularly want to discuss it.

"Come on, Rem. It was my idea, after all," Lily coaxed, biting her lip in an attempt to hide her smile.

"It's all sorted now, I think. He knows I'm ace. We had fun, actually. It was really lovely." He sighed, shaking his head at Lily's eager expression. "Will that do?"

"You told him?"

"Yeah, I did."  
"I'm proud of you, Rem."

"Thanks?"

"So, how did he go with it?"  
Remus grinned, thinking of Sirius' reaction last night. "Well, I think he called me an idiot in French."

Lily's reply came in the form of a scoff, rolling her eyes.

"What?"

"He's not wrong, you know that, don't you?" she asked, draining the rest of her coffee.

"Hey! Why am I an idiot?" Eyebrows scrunched together, he looked at Lily's curiously.

"Oh goodness gracious, it's worse than I thought." She paused. "Unless," a hesitation, "It's not? Did you two end up getting together last night?"

"What!" Remus exclaimed, furiously choking on water. "Why would you think that?"

"Good lord."

"Don't good lord me. Tell me what you mean."

And he can feel something, something he'd not quite sure of, rise up in his chest. Something threatening to explode, and he's not entirely certain why. But it's been edging on this since Lily started talking about Sirius. And of bloody course it's about Sirius. It's always about Sirius. It's been happening quickly. Too quickly. But it's always about Sirius. Things have calmed down with his friends, that wasn't this hard. But Sirius, Sirius is harder than he could have ever expected.

"Rem, love. I asked you before if you really thought what Sirius was, was just platonic—"  
"It was that first Friday night, right?"

"Right." Lily nodded. "And you answered yes. Very defensively, I might add."  
"It wasn't that defensive," Remus mumbled, frowning.  
"Yeah, it was. Anyway, what do you think about that now?" Lily asked, her fingers tapping gently along the table — she'd always done that, ever since Remus had known her.

"Nothing, I don't think about it anymore."

"That's a lie."  
Remus sighed. She was right, as usual. Fear curled inside him, she always was good at knowing when people were lying, and it wasn't like that was a particularly convincing lie anyway. There was no hope now. "Alright, fine. Maybe I do think about it."  
"You think about everything, there's no way you wouldn't think about something, someone, like Sirius. Anyway, what do you think about it now?"  
"I think I'm going to take whatever it is I can get. Honestly Lily, it barely matters what I think about it all."

He was exhausted of thinking about Sirius, he really was. There wasn't a day that had gone past since he had met the boy, that Remus hadn't thought of him. It was getting ridiculous, it really was. He didn't need his life taken over by another man. Platonically or romantically. He just couldn't let it happen. He was going to take whatever he could get, and if it did end up being romantic, great. But, he wasn't going to obsess over Sirius.

"It definitely matters what you think about it all. You're part of it, after all. You can't have a relationship with only one person."

"That's how imaginary friends work."

"Well, neither of you are imaginary. You're both very much real, and very much oblivious to each other," Lily replied, leaning back and resting her hands on top of her head.

"Yes, yes, I know that. Can we just leave this be though? It'll be fine. Last night really _was_ lovely, and I really don't want to stuff that up. Not again, okay?"

"I'm not happy about it, but okay," Lily said, her voice stern, but kind.

She'd always been like this. She'd always been this caring, this strong. He knew why James had fallen for her, even if he didn't. She was an amazing woman, and most certainly the most responsible of them all. She looked solemn now, just as she did whenever any of them did something stupid. Maybe what he was doing was stupid, but he had to make sure he didn't wreck anything now. He couldn't do that to himself or to Sirius, so filled with indescribable love and gratitude for this flaming woman seated opposite him, he smiled softly, whispering, "thank you."

"I'll always be here for you. Even if you drive me insane. If I couldn't understand insanity I wouldn't be married to Prongs, would I?"

"You definitely would not," Remus laughed, and just like that, they were back to laughter and smiles.

"I wouldn't have survived a day."

"That is also true. But more importantly than that, he never would've fallen for you. He knows just how insane he is. If anything, other people underestimate him, not the other way round."

"That, is the truest thing I've heard."

—

After lunch with Lily, Remus had gone by the supermarket, wincing slightly at his lack of money, but buying the necessities anyway. There was no chance he was going to let Sirius — or anyone — catch him unaware again. Now with the certainty he'd always be prepared for guests, he began the walk home. It wasn't far, and as far as January days in London went, it certainly wasn't that cold. Sure, he probably looked like he was going to the North Pole, with the amount of layers he had on, but at least he wasn't freezing to death.

He had nothing planned for that afternoon, so turning on the heater and the kettle, he sent messages to everyone. Thanking them for a lovely 2018, telling them all how glad he was to have them to go into 2019 with. Sure, it was a bit sappy, and sure, it wasn't like anyone else really sent messages like this for New Year's — occasionally James — but he felt that it was important for people to know how much he appreciated them all. They were all so important to him, they needed to know that. Plus, it had been a tradition ever since he started going to school with James and Peter. Although he'd written letters then.

But now, with that done, and the kettle boiled he settled in front of the heater with a cup of tea and a book, and spent the next hour and a half wrapped up in the story, wrapped up in other people's thoughts, wrapped up in something that wasn't his own. It was one of his favourite things to do, become just another character in someone else's writing. He wondered how an author would write him, if he really was a character. Plain, he guessed. Boring, but hardworking, he supposed. But he wasn't going to think about that now. He was going to revel in the happiness, in the time, in the fact that maybe, maybe things could get sorted out after all.

—

Evening came quickly. After roughly an hour and a half, he'd gotten up and done some planning for the bakery. They'd all be back to work next Monday. But that was done quickly, and so he'd once again gotten lost in a book. Everyone replying with their own replies to the Happy New Year message soon after he'd sent it. Everyone but Sirius, and Peter. Peter, well, Remus wasn't expecting a reply from him, he got awkward when he didn't know how to reply, and Remus didn't blame him, so that was all good. He'd call later and they'd have a good chat. Sirius though, Remus was a little concerned about that.

However, an hour later, or thereabouts, sometime near 6:00. Remus was startled out of his reading by his phone ringing far, far too loudly. When had he ever set it up to be that loud? Such a bad idea on all accounts. On the other hand, in this very moment he was glad it was so loud, because if Sirius was calling, then surely something was wrong?

"Hello? Are you okay?"

"Hey, yeah, everything's good. Just wanted to say thank you for your lovely message."

"Oh, oh, no problem. Yeah, you're welcome."

"Wow, no need to be so enthusiastic, Remy."

"Remy? Really?"

"Absolutely."

"You and your need for nicknames and pet names, I swear."

"What do you swear, Remus Johnathan Lupin?"

"You're an idiot."

"Well, I do believe that Lily thinks so too, if her message this afternoon is anything to go by."

"A message? From Lily? What else did she say?"

"Happy New Year."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Should there have been more?"

"No, no, not at all."

"It sounds like you're avoiding something, Remus Johnathan Lupin."

"Alright, alright. Enough with my name. It's not even my name, you know."  
"Well, John's short for Jonathan, isn't it?"

"I mean, yes."

"So therefore your name should be Remus Johnathan Lupin."  
"Oh my goodness."

"ANYWAY. Andy has prompted me to get to the point so—"

"There's a point to this?"

"Was that a tinge of disappointment?"  
"No, it was a shit ton of surprise."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. So funny. So, to the point."  
"Because there is one."  
"Shut it. And, would you like to come over for dinner?"

"It's 6:00."

"So?"

"Won't you guys want dinner before I can get there?"

"You need a bike."

"I certainly do not."

"I'll come pick you up?"

"Nah, don't worry, I just checked, it'll only take half an hour."

"You'll let me take you home?"  
"We'll see."

"Sure."

"Okay, see you soon. Thanks for the invite."

"Bye!"

And with that, Sirius hung up and Remus sank into his pile of pillows and a blanket. A sigh and a tired hand through his hand had him closing his eyes for a second. Pushing up off the ground, he resolved to introduce Andromeda to the rest of his friends soon, they'd all like each other a lot. Really, it couldn't be only him that Sirius talked about, so surely Andy would want to meet the rest of them too. It was weird, it just being him. He was always so much a part of a group, it was odd being singled out like this. And not in a bad way too. Strange.

Walking to his room, rubbing his hands over his face, he groaned a little as his legs readjusted to standing. He must've been sitting for three hours at least. That was the issue of getting into a good book, he supposed. The only negative, really. Or maybe not the only negative, but pretty close. He tugged off the long sleeved t-shirt he was wearing and replaced it with a grey shirt. He wasn't going to go to someone's house for dinner in something he'd probably spilt tea on. Pulling a jumper over the shirt, and shrugging another jacket on over that, he wondered if he could possibly wear any more layers without being incredibly uncomfortable. In the end he decided that no, he could not. So it was a scarf, a beanie, his finally remembered lip ring and some gloves. Along with his phone and wallet, he made his way out of the apartment and to the bus stop.

It was bitterly cold, and rather windy as well. According to his weather app, it was 5 degrees. Growing up in Wales, he'd been surprised that London had very similar temperatures to his little town, though significantly less rain. Funny that, if you took into account just how often people complained about rain in London. They should all take a trip to Wales, then they'd know just how rainy it could get. However, right at the moment, he was thankful that it wasn't raining. He had absolutely no desire to come into Andromeda's house soaking wet.

The bus came on time — thankfully — and with a quick "thanks", he'd taken a seat. Careful to avoid anyone's gaze, he noticed just how dark the clouds were tonight. It was late, or at least, the sun had gone down long ago, but it was clear that there'd be a heavy downpour soon. Hopefully he could borrow an umbrella from Sirius for his trip home. He didn't fancy being on the bike in the rain. Much safer to be on a bus. Buses had a weird sort of atmosphere, Remus had always thought. There was something about them. That collective togetherness of everyone being on the way to somewhere, whether it be going home, going out, work, school, anything. Of course, you never talk to a stranger, or very rarely. But there's still something about it. Or maybe he was just overthinking it all, and it was really just another way to get from A to B. Which, to be fair, it was.

—

Even if he'd grown up with a lot more rain than London, that didn't mean he wasn't rather annoyed when he did in fact turn up to Andromeda's fairly rained on. Not as bad as he had dreaded, but he had been hoping that the rain could hold up for just a few more minutes as he walked from the bus stop to the house. But no, no apparently not. Hopefully it was only his jacket that got properly wet. He'd really prefer not to be sitting around in a wet shirt as well.

He grinned as Sirius opened the door with an eager Dora running after him. "Hello Sirius, and hello to you too enaid bach."

Stepping aside and waving Remus in, Sirius grinned back. "Hiya Rem." Two seconds later and Remus was being tugged down to Sirius' height for a hug. "How are you?"

"Good. Wet. But good. You?"

"Well, I was dry, but good." Sirius stepped back and smiled, before looking...well, shocked. "You wore it!"

Raising his eyebrows, aware of the confused onlooker — Dora — Remus asked, "What?"  
"Don't you pretend now, Remy. You finally remembered the lip ring. It's amazing."

"Yeah, it took long enough, didn't it? So you like it then?"

"Like it?" Sirius practically shouted. "I love it!"

"So I guess it was Remus then?" Andy's voice came, from down the hall.

"Yeah!" Sirius called back, grabbing Dora's hand and setting off to the dining room.

Grinning, Remus followed the two. He could barely believe they'd invited _him_ here, into this home, where everyone seemed to fit together so well. It was like the Potters. It was family. And sure, maybe Andy and Ted weren't liked Lily and James, and that scared him when he was here last, but walking in, standing here, maybe it didn't need to be the same. Because he could feel that even if things weren't okay for everyone here, they all still knew it was home.

"Come on Remus. We'll hang your coat and everything else upstairs. It's not a massive place," Sirius said, already bounding up the stairs.

"Alright, alright." Remus walked after him, not quite running, but far too casual for it to be considered _speed walking_. "You do know that most places in London aren't massive."

"Yes, yes, I know that. I just wanted to make sure you knew why we were going upstairs. We can't have you feeling awkward."

"So glad you're trying to make me not feel awkward. Unfortunately for you, that's near impossible." Remus grinned, knowing full well that he didn't, in fact, feel awkward.

"Always trying to help you, Remy darling."

"Okay, enough with the Remy."

"You love it."

"Don't you tell me what I love." But he was laughing. They both were. Two nights of laughing in a row? How was he going to cope with that?

They were downstairs and sitting around the table quickly enough. Remus helping Andy take everyone's plates out to the dining room, while Ted, Sirius, and Dora all set the table. More getting in the way of each other than helping, but they were doing their best. Or at least, that was their version of the story. Andromeda had just scoffed and rolled her eyes, shaking her head before telling everyone to just eat. Which they all did, more than happily.

After they'd all finished dinner, Sirius and Dora had — rather suspiciously — offered to pack everything into the dishwasher. Or at least, it became suspicious when Remus stood up to help them and they'd protested somewhat violently. Dora with a shrill "No, no, no!" and Sirius with a "Remus JOHNATHAN, sit back down."

Which Remus did, hands raised in surrender, eyebrows raised. "Should we trust you in the kitchen unsupervised?"

"You've seen me cook!" Sirius exclaimed, mock offended.

"True, but I was supervising then."

A scoff from Sirius and a burst of laughter from Dora had them both walking slowly into the kitchen, adorned with plates and dishes.

"So, how are you Remus?" Andy asked, smiling as they heard a crash from the kitchen.

"Not too bad. Sorry to keep Sirius from you on New Year's." He hadn't actually thought of the impact last night — that sounded strange — might have had on everyone else, until he'd gotten here tonight. "What about you two? How have you been?"

"Yeah, good," both Ted and Andromeda said in unison. Both grinning.

"And don't worry about last night, Remus. Did you both have a nice time?" Ted asked, smiling kindly.

"Yeah, it was really lovely of him to come over. I was certain that he'd want to do more exciting things on New Year's Eve, but definitely glad that he didn't," Remus laughed slightly, it was a whole lot more than lovely.

A few more moments of conversation followed. Andromeda telling Remus how they took Dora to see her first fireworks properly, and about just how busy it had been.

With a surprisingly small amount of yelps from the kitchen, Dora came out, grinning wider than Remus thought he'd even seen anyone grin.

"Everyone, close your eyes," came the order, "Don't open them!"

Nodding in assent, "everyone", closed their eyes. Remus wondered what the surprise could be, and whether or not he should be worried. How much of a mess were they all going to end up in? He had absolutely no idea, and he didn't really care. Though catching the bus in a mess would be uncomfortable.

Music began to play from a speaker somewhere and Remus could hear who he supposed were Sirius and Dora walking out from the kitchen. There were muffled whispers as something was set down on the table, someone walking around the table. Which was all followed by a shouted, "open your eyes!", handfuls of glitter thrown and two very excited grins. Previously, Remus hadn't thought that Dora and Sirius looked much alike, but in this very moment, they were practically siblings. Their grins reaching the end of the world, eyes lit up in excitement, waiting in anticipation for everyone's reaction.

And even while being distracted by their matching grins, Remus was very much impressed with the MASSIVE chocolate cake that now sat in the middle of the table, covered in what Remus hoped was edible glitter. How they had managed to hide it from Andy and Ted, Remus had no idea, but looking at Sirius and Dora now, he had absolutely no doubt that they could achieve absolutely anything they wanted to.

"That's incredible," Remus said, truly taken aback by the sheer size of it. "I knew you could bake, Sirius, but goodness it's usually hard to keep cakes that large straight."

"Holy shit!" Andy gasped at the same time as Remus, quickly covering her mouth with a muffled, "Sorry. Don't say that word Dora."

Ted just sat there, looking amazed and somewhat disconcerted by it all, but grinning nonetheless.

"It was incredibly hard to keep straight," Sirius replied in unison with Dora's, "It was kinda hard, but do you like it?"

Amd as was expected, everyone ignored Sirius' comment and went immediately to assuring Dora that they absolutely loved it.

Remus was amazed with everything about it all. The cake, yes. But also the fact that Sirius had invited him over for this. The fact that everything was so exciting to everyone. And it was. It was all exciting and amazing, and really, even as a bakery, Remus was surprised and impressed that Dora and Sirius had managed to create such a brilliant cake. Let it never be said that either of them were underachievers.

With cake and excitement, it quickly reached 9:00. Long past Dora's bedtime, and they could all tell. Remus couldn't remember how it felt to be tired at six, but he certainly knew how it felt to be tired, and he didn't want to contribute to a messed up sleep schedule for the poor girl. He knew enough about those already. You didn't want one. Six years old, or nineteen. Funny wasn't it? He was only thirteen years older than Dora. He could've almost been her brother. Sirius practically was her brother. Though of course, Sirius had his own brother too.

But if he wasn't going to mess up Dora's sleep anymore, then it was probably best for him to go.

"I suppose I should be on my way home now then. Thanks for inviting me." Remus grinned and added, "and for the cake of course. You two should absolutely come and work at my bakery."

"I appreciate the offer of a job, but you said you'd let me take you home."

"I said that we would see."

"And I said sure, which you knew meant absolutely."

Shaking his head, he wondered why Sirius was like this. "Anyway, thanks Andy, Ted. It was really lovely of you."

"Anytime, dear," Andromeda replied, smiling widely.

"Yeah, it was not a problem. You get home safely, alright?" Ted added, standing to walk Dora — who gave a little wave — upstairs to bed.

"Do you want me to grab your stuff?" Sirius asked, watching Remus curiously.

"No, it's alright. I can get it. You don't have to."

"Okay, cool. You really won't let me take you home on the bike?"

"Not tonight, Siri. Okay?"  
"Okay."

"Be down in a minute," Remus said, softly smiling. He didn't quite know why he didn't want Sirius taking him home, but it just wasn't for tonight, and luckily it seemed as if Sirius understood that. So quietly, as to not disturb Dora and Ted, he crept up the stairs, pausing before pushing open the door to Sirius' room. Remus found it amusing that Sirius was the one taking over someone's spare room, rather than himself, but in a way, it was comforting. He wasn't so much of a mess that he was alone.

It didn't take long for him to put all his layers back on, probably looking like a half squashed marshmallow, but if he was going to be warm, then he couldn't afford to care. Heading downstairs, he paused on the landing. It sounded as if Sirius and Andromeda were deep in conversation and he very much didn't want to disturb that, but then again, he did need to go. But what did keep him on the landing, was hearing his name in Sirius' voice. There was something about the way he said it that had Remus frozen still. He couldn't possibly walk into that conversation. Not when Sirius' tone was like...that. Not when Andromeda sounded so achingly patient. He couldn't hear anything but a word here and there, but he didn't want to. Or rather, he did very much want to, but there was no way he was going to go interrupt when they were talking like that.

So he waited. He waited until the murmuring was raised to normal volumes of speaking, and it was only then that he slowly made his way down the rest of the stairs. "So, I guess I should be on my way home then," he began, walking into the room, eyes flicking between Andy and Sirius.

"I suppose you'd say no if I offered to drive you again?"  
"Yes, the answer's still the same. I do know how to make my own way home, you know?"  
"Yeah, I know."

"Well, thank you again. Goodnight? Don't mess up your sleeping anymore, Sirius. See you soon?"  
"Definitely," came from Sirius, accompanied with a grin and a nod from Andromeda.

He didn't know how he could possibly have ended up with such amazing people in his life, but he was endlessly grateful for it .

—

The night had ended with a phone call to Peter, and then one to James and Lily. Both calls lovely. Both calls lifting the darkness that had settled around his apartment after he'd been out. It was always quick to settle. Like it was just waiting, waiting until he went to visit someone. Hanging just outside the door, quick to rush in once he was gone. It was like someone had left plastic wrap over everything, except it wasn't plastic and it certainly wasn't clear. It was dark and it was heavy. It weighed down the rooms, and made Remus shudder every so often.

The rain had picked up again, this time it was fiercer, and he was glad he left Andromeda's when he did. Quickly, he'd shut the windows he'd forgotten to close, and he'd wrapped himself up in a duvet. The heater had been turned on again, and while he winced, he assured himself that he could make it work. He would make it work. He was working hard. Everything for the bakery was planned, and he was supplementing his income with a transcripting online service, any extra pound was helpful. He could make it work, and he would, he would.


	22. Struggling To Remember How To Make A Pie

It was good to be back at the bakery. As much as he had enjoyed the holiday and as much as he was thankful for a bit of rest, Remus couldn't deny that he was relieved to be back at the bakery. Early mornings and flour everywhere. Everyone coming back together. Kingsley and his danishes. All the regulars. New people coming in everyday. Really, it wasn't _that_ many people. They weren't that well known, but it was more than enough. And it was nice, and comforting. It felt normal again.

He'd been speaking to Sirius everyday, and seeing him almost as often. It wasn't unusual for Remus to finally turn around from his bench to see Sirius leaning against the wall, on his phone, waiting. Or sometimes just watching. Apparently it was interesting, though Remus couldn't imagine that watching him do anything was particularly interesting. There were some people that sure, were beautiful creating pastry, but Remus certainly didn't think he was one of them. But it wasn't like he was going to force Sirius out, on the contrary, he rather liked having the company, when he knew he had it.

The bakery had been open again for two weeks now, they were halfway through January and it felt good. Of course, there were days when nothing felt good. The days when he'd had to rely on his routine and habits so much that it was scary. The days when he'd had to tell James just how much pain he was in, that it felt like his entire body was on fire. The days when he'd flinched as Sirius reached out to touch him. But that was maybe four days in two weeks, and that was alright. It was really, really alright. Maybe it was the hope that came with the New Year, but Remus found himself more hopeful than he'd been for awhile. It was tempting to shut it down, it was so tempting. But every time, he couldn't help but hear Lily's voice in his head.

—

"Afternoon," Sirius said flatly, coming to stand next to Remus.

"Don't you dare knock me, if I mess up these tarts I will stab you." Remus grinned, but didn't look up. "Also, what happened?"  
"I'll just step back then, shall I?"  
"Unless you want to be stabbed. But please, tell me what's up."  
"Nothing much," Sirius replied.

Remus looked up at that, he couldn't resist. And there was Sirius in all his splendour, leather jacket and what looked like a rainbow top underneath that. Hair tied back and messy. But despite his unfair attractiveness, something seemed off. "You're lying Sir Black. Hold on two minutes and I'll shower you with affection," _shit_, _he shouldn't have said that_, "But until then, tell me what's going on."

There was silence for a few minutes. It was brimming with emotion, and Remus knew better than to talk at times like this. They'd not known each other for a spectacularly long time, but clearly they both jumped into friendships far too intensely. So Remus worked in the silence, assembling his tarts, and hoping Sirius would talk sooner rather than later.

It happened as Remus was putting the tarts on a tray, ready for Dorcas to bring them out to the front cabinet. Sirius interrupted the silence, voice hesitant, almost as if he was apologising.

"Remus?"  
"Sirius?" Remus replied, turning to look at Sirius, eyes soft and his tone gentle.

"I think," he paused, tilting his head to the sky, as if he was praying. Though Remus knew for a fact that Sirius wasn't religious. "Nevermind."  
"Oh no, no, Siri. You can't start and finish like that, nghariad," Remus protested, stepping toward Sirius. Close enough that if Sirius did want physical comfort, he was there.

"Comment vous sentiriez-vous si je vous embrassais bien?"

"Annwyl, I can tell you without a doubt, I don't know any more French than I have the entire time I've known you. Though perhaps I should learn."  
"Well, I know more Welsh, so you're behind," Sirius replied, sounding as if it were a struggle to actually voice anything.

"This just won't do. Talk to me. In English. What's going on?"  
Sirius stepped closer, and now they were only a few paces apart. They'd been much closer, of course, but right now, everything was charged with Sirius' emotions, with Remus' confusion. Everything was just a little off.

"Afternoon lads!"

Both Sirius and Remus snapped around to the door as James walked in. The grin sliding off James' face when he saw both boys' expressions. Awkward silence reigned for about six seconds before James walked further in, put an apron on and declared, "I'm very sorry that I interrupted whatever I did, and if you'd like me to leave I can, but until you ask, I'm going to return to baking. Dorcas is coming in a minute, to grab those tarts."  
"You don't have to leave, I'll just be going. Good to see you, mate," Sirius replied, half smiling for a second, before shrugging at Remus. "I guess I'll see you soon?"  
"You don't need to leave Sirius. We close in an hour and a half anyway," Remus paused, wondering when it had got to that point that Sirius didn't mind hanging around a bakery for over an hour, "We can talk then?"  
"Nah, I'll be fine. Text you later? I'll come round tomorrow. You'll be here, I assume?"

"Always am," Remus bit his lip ring, wanting to insist that Sirius stay. He didn't know what was going on, and while, they didn't tell each other _everything _they'd both been fairly open with each other about the vast majority of things.

"You're always welcome," Remus offered. He didn't quite know where he was telling Sirius he was always welcome, but in a sense, that meant more anyway. Sirius was welcome anywhere that Remus felt at home. His apartment, the bakery, James' parents'.

Sirius grinned at that, "yeah, alright. See you."  
"Bye."

Sirius stepped out of the kitchen quietly, nodding once more to James before walking away.

"What was that?" James asked, as soon as the door had closed.

"What was what?"  
"That!"

"I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean."  
"The whole thing with Sirius. What's going on with the both of you, anyway? Something seems different."  
"Different? Different from what?"  
"From normal friendships, I guess."  
"Well it's not like you and I are exactly _normal_ are we?" Remus was deflecting desperately now. Lily had probably told James about his... _feelings_ for Sirius, but hopefully they could avoid that topic. He was very focused on making pie now. Pie seemed to be popular in the late afternoons, he'd never really known why, but today there was an order for three. Apparently they'd come pick them up at ten to four.

"We're normal-er than you and Sirius, that's for sure."

"Come on, mate. Really?"  
"Really. You're my best friend, Moony. I actually do care about you."

"God, James," Remus had to laugh at that. There was no one who Remus knew cared about him more. Of course, there was his amazing group of friends, but James, James would always be there, Remus knew. "I know that. And I care for you too. I just, I don't really know what to do with Sirius," he admitted.

"So I'm right?"  
"As much as I hate to give in to you, yes, you're right."  
"Brilliant!" James exclaimed. "So, what do you mean you don't know what to do with Sirius?"  
"I'm pretty sure this conversation is very unprofessional."  
"Bonuses of having our own bakery," James replied, grinning.

"Oh fine."  
"Go on then."  
"I think I might like Sirius in a much more romantic way than a platonic one," Remus admitted in a very low voice, turning away from James.

The only response that came from James was a loud choking sound.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Oh Moony."  
"What?"  
"Nothing, nothing. Just keep talking," James answered, and Remus could feel his smile.

"I mean, that's really all there is to it, Prongs. I'm certainly not going to tell him." Remus gave a halfhearted shrug, carefully placing the pastry on top of the pies.

"You should talk to him," James insisted, "You'll feel better."  
"Not if I lose him. He's been a really good friend. I mean, you know that, you've kept inviting him to our Friday nights."

"I know that Rem, I really do. But I think you've still got to tell him about it."

Remus paused his pie-making at that, stopping to take a sharp breath in. This wasn't going to end well. And it was only not going to end well, because James was right. Of course James was right. "I don't know. Let's just keep baking."

"We're both good enough at this that we can do both."  
"Suddenly, I'm struggling to remember how to make a pie."  
"Idiot."

—

Needless to say, Remus didn't end up talking to James, but he did end up on his couch, reading a book, doing his best to ignore the significant amount of pain coursing through his body. Ah, the joys of fibromyalgia and it's surprises. But it was a good book, and he was good at ignoring things. So there was that at the very least. Slowly though, it seemed that he would be adding more and more things to his pile of "to be ignored". But that was okay, as long as he could work at the bakery, carry a conversation, and make tea, he'd be fine. That was almost everything he did, anyway.

Thoughts eventually began to distract him from his book, and at the same time from his pain, so he was mildly okay with it. He found himself thinking that maybe, maybe he could confess his romantic affections to Sirius over the phone, and then apologise tomorrow saying he was under the influence of alcohol? Maybe that could work. But really, Sirius wasn't an idiot, and he wasn't that good at pretending to be drunk. Or at least, he didn't think he would be. He'd pretended to be a lot of things — a girl, studying, innocent, sporty, _straight_ — but not drunk. And trying things for the first time while confessing love probably wasn't the best idea.

Unfortunate really, the extents he'd have to go to if he was to take James' advice and talk to Sirius. It'd either have to be under some pretence, or he'd have to do it properly. That was almost the more frightening of the two options.

Thoughts were interrupted by the sharp ring of his phone, Remus quite literally jumped. It would be Sirius, most likely. He'd never met someone who would ring so often, so unexpectedly. Though, he supposed it wasn't really unexpected anymore. Wondering what Sirius could be ringing for, he picked up the phone.

"Hey," Remus said, smiling a little, even as he wished for better timing.

"I think we should date."

"What?"

"I'm pretty sure you heard me, and I'd _really _like to never have to repeat that sentence again. Especially if you're going to laugh. I'll just be goin—"

"No!"

"No?"  
"Don't, uh, you don't need to go."

"Really?"  
"Yeah, it's all a joke, isn't it?" Swearing at himself under his breath, Remus had seldom wished he'd said anything less.

"Oh."

"Isn't it?"

"Sure."

And then there was nothing. "Sirius?" Remus asked, but the other boy was already gone. Why had he been so stupid? He wasn't entirely sure. He actually wasn't sure at all. Why would he not just give Sirius a chance? It's not like he thought Sirius was the type of person to joke like that, but then again, surely Sirius wasn't being serious? Surely not? But something clearly happened, because he hung up on a _sure_, and that was never good. Did he call back? Did he leave it? What was the best option from here?

Half of him thought that he could just call Sirius and say "come over, let's talk about this". Half of him thought that he should just let it be, he'd stuffed it up as it was, he didn't need to mess it up anymore than he already had.

But here he was, hand poised to press Sirius' name, and he already knew which decision he was going to make even if he wasn't sure it was the right one. It would always be Sirius. It would always be like that morning in the bakery, when he said he could stay, it would always be like in the tree, when he said he could come, it would always be like on the train, explaining things gently. It was too easy to say yes, not to. Why would he refuse what felt so right?

So there he stood, waiting for Sirius to pick up his phone, waiting and hoping, hoping they could sort things out.

"I'm sorry." They both blurted out at the same time.

"Sirius, were you joking?"  
"No, I wasn't."  
"Really?"  
"Really."

It was horribly blunt, and not at all how he'd hoped this would all go. He'd half wished for something much more like all the books he read, but it wasn't. It was a mistake followed by an apology followed by relief. It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't even slightly pretty, he was shaking with relief. He didn't know why, but he assumed that it had something to do with the fact that he genuinely thought that Sirius was going to shout "sike" any moment now, but he didn't. There was only silence, but he could hear Sirius' breathing.

"Sirius?"

"Mhm?"  
"I agree."  
"You do?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, I think so."


	23. Excuse Me, I Have To Sit Down Now

Author's Notes: Thank you to Dreamonster11 for the favourite! I hope everyone's enjoying it all still.

* * *

Neither of them quite knew what to say after Remus had agreed with Sirius the night before. There had been a long pause, and then, well, Remus wasn't even really sure what had happened after that. It was almost a blur. He was relieved, in part, but he was also really fucking terrified. What was he supposed to do now? He really wasn't sure. And sure, he was nineteen, maybe he didn't need to have the whole relationship thing perfect now, but he definitely didn't want to ruin things with Sirius. But that was okay, he would work something out. He would do his absolute best at the very least.

He couldn't say that his mind was completely focused on baking that day. Of course, Peter — they'd opened together — Dorcas and James, especially James, had noticed that something was strange. It wasn't like he was doing a very good job at hiding it, but he'd promised himself that he would talk to Sirius properly before telling anyone anything. Which included anyone pestering him with questions that they had to repeat a few times for him to actually hear, he was so preoccupied.

He was lucky he hadn't burnt anything. He was lucky he hadn't broken anything. And, he was lucky he was closing by himself today. Sirius had agreed to come pick him up once everyone was gone. Sirius had been ready to come first thing in the morning, but Remus wasn't sure he could handle having Sirius there without being able to talk about it all. Not that he really wanted to talk about it, he was sure there was going to be terribly large amounts of blushing and embarrassment, though he wasn't quite sure why he felt like that. But this was Sirius and he was still in shock with the fact that he'd actually told Remus they should date.

So he carried on through the day, on edge all the way through. Avoiding everyone's questions, but baking with a furious intensity that at some point got everyone to back off and let him do his own thing. He could barely feel the pain today, it was there, oh, it was there, but he was almost floating above it all. Whether it was panic or excitement, he wasn't entirely sure. Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, he knew even less. But it was nice, nice to be separated from the pain. And even if it wasn't, he wasn't in any state of mind to put himself back into his body. He was so far above it all. He felt like pure energy, putting it all into his baking. Trying to distract himself from the thought of Sirius coming that afternoon.

But that afternoon came eventually. Everyone had left maybe twenty minutes ago. James had left with an offer to stay, Remus had had to go through a series of questions and answers to assure James that he really was alright. More than alright, in fact. And at 4:10, he was pacing. The kitchen was clean. Everything was ready for the next day. He had the keys ready. He was ready to go, and for a moment, he wondered if maybe, maybe Sirius wasn't coming.

Apparently though, that wasn't something he had to fear, because in a moment, there was Sirius. Blasting through the door, a panicked expression on his face. "I'm so, so sorry I'm late."

Remus stood frozen, eyes wide. Here was Sirius, here was Sirius, apologising for being late. Here was Sirius looking glorious even as he panted. Here was Sirius, waiting for an answer from him, from Remus. Here was Sirius, who he'd pretty much agreed to date.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fantastic."  
"You look as if you've seen a ghost. And I might not look awesome, but I'm definitely not a ghost," Sirius joked, looking concerned even as he raised his eyebrows in amusement at himself.

"Well, I hope you're not a ghost," Remus paused, biting his lip ring, "I certainly wouldn't want to date one of those."

At that, Sirius' expression broke into a grin and he sprung forward, wrapping Remus up in a — quite shocking — hug. "I'm so glad you agreed," Sirius whispered.

"Alright, alright. I'm glad you suggested it. I never would've gotten around to it," Remus laughed, blushing as Sirius stepped back a little.

"What do you mean?"  
"I mean, I've been thinking of a million different scenarios of this since that first Friday at James and Lily's."

"Excuse me, I have to sit down now."

"What?"  
"We could've sorted this out so fucking long ago."

"What?"

"It doesn't matter now. Let's go?"  
"Yeah, sure. Where are we going, anyway?"  
"No idea."  
"Really?"

"Don't worry, I know where we're going. Relax."  
"I'm relaxed."  
"Liar," Sirius laughed, but he grabbed Remus' hand and dragged him out the door anyway.

—

First, they'd gone to Andy's. Sirius said that he had to get something before they started their adventuring. Remus had been mildly concerned about the word "adventuring", but Sirius had promised there was nothing that Remus wouldn't like involved. Remus had his doubts, but he was expecting those. He couldn't believe that this was happening. Was this a date? Was this them dating? He honestly wasn't sure. They spent so much time together that it didn't really make a difference. It wasn't like they hadn't seen each other often. In fact, there had been multiple times when Sirius had stopped by in the afternoon to go do something together. But today was different, maybe because Remus knew his feelings weren't just one sided. Maybe because there was a different intention behind everything. But whatever it was, Remus found himself not really caring. It was… not nice, exactly, but it was good. Things felt good.

And exhilarated as ever after the motorbike, he stepped inside Andy's with a shrug as she asked them why they were there. She'd only just gotten back from picking up Dora from school, and looked very professional in her business suit. Sirius had answered her question with a, "I just had to pick up something before we have our adventure". She had laughed at that and told them they'd better hurry up then.

"So, what are the plans for this afternoon?" Remus asked, leaning against the door frame, looking away as Sirius rummaged for something in the kitchen.

"Not peeking, are you?" Sirius asked. Remus could feel his grin even while he wasn't looking.

"No, no, I'm not. Just asking what you've planned for today."

"Good. And I thought we could go climb that tree properly, without a James interruption today. And then we could go out for dinner?" They were plans, but there was a question in Sirius' tone. Remus wanted to just step over there and hug him, but he'd been given strict instructions to not look over unless someone was going to die.

"That sounds like a great plan. I'm sure no one will be calling us today," he laughed a little, thinking of James' panic last time. And now, whenever anyone mentioned the fact that Lily was pregnant, James positively lit up with excitement.

"I hope not! We don't need anymore pregnant people."  
"No, we certainly do not."  
"Okay, all ready. Good to go?"  
"I was only waiting for you."  
"Awesome."

—

They walked down the street brushing against each other. Little bits and pieces of conversation as they spotted something interesting. There was a bookstore that Remus hadn't noticed last time, and he'd been half tempted to drag Sirius into it, but that probably wasn't the best idea on the first date — was that what this was?

So they walked, smiling, comfortable. It was comfortable.

They'd raced each other to the tree, with Remus winning by the tiniest amount and scampering up the tree as fast as humanly possible. Yelling in elation when he reached as high as he could possibly go. He was probably not the best example for the young kids in the park, but he didn't need to be. He was on a date, he was in a tree. He absolutely did not intend on making the stupid kids' rhyme come true, but he did intend on having as much fun as possible up there. One day the two of them would have to build a treehouse. Where or how? Remus had no clue, but as soon as he suggested it to Sirius, the idea was met with an excited, "yes!". So both in agreement, with neither of them actually knowing how it would be possible, had decided that they would one day build a treehouse. Possibly under the pretence that it was for Dora, or maybe for James and Lily's kid.

"Do you think they're going to get married?" Sirius asked, after Remus suggested they could build the treehouse for the Potter/Evans kid.

"I honestly don't know. It's not like they have to, but I think James in particular might like to."  
"Yeah, that's fair enough. It's good we live in a world where they don't have to."  
"Yeah, it is." Remus grinned, thinking of how furious Lily would be if someone told her she had to marry James. "Lily wouldn't take any of that."  
"No, she absolutely wouldn't."  
"I do hope they stay together though, even if they don't get married."  
Sirius hummed before nodding, "I think they will. They seem pretty set on each other."  
Remus grinned at that, "That's certainly true. They would have a lovely wedding too."  
"They would. But imagine if Dorcas and Marls got married."  
"That would be the most extravagant thing in the universe, I do believe. And I'm sure Marlene would get everything from a second-hand store just to piss off her parents more."  
"You're absolutely right."  
"I mean, she's pretty predictable."

"That she is."

Their conversation had drifted off into nothingness, before Sirius had spotted a kid with a frisbee and Remus had told Sirius just how many times he'd thrown a frisbee and it had ended up stuck on a roof or in a tree or in any number of other difficult to reach places. He wasn't known for his hand-eye coordination, that was for sure. That had sent Sirius spiralling into laughter and after that they'd both been hopeless. But this was the kind of hopeless Remus could enjoy, and so he did. Giving in. Giving into the comfort, to the laughter, to Sirius.

—

After their "adventure" in the park, Sirius had taken him to a little restaurant that he'd told Remus was his absolute favourite and had been since he was a kid. Remus could see why. It was very Sirius, it was comfortable, and yet, so surprisingly beautiful that Remus couldn't help but grin. There were pictures and posters lining the walls. The food smelled wonderful, and though Remus struggled desperately with choosing anything, he was smiling all the way through. He was sure he'd wake up tomorrow with a sore face, just from all the smiling he'd been doing.

"So," Remus began, in between mouthfuls of food, "I'm still struggling to believe this is happening."  
"Why?" Sirius asked, tilting his head, and once again reminding Remus of a puppy.

"Because you're you. You're Sirius. You're brilliant and beautiful."  
"Remus, cheri, love. I can't believe you said yes. I was sure that I'd have to pretend that I was horribly drunk or something. I was sure that I'd have to urge you to forget it. You're kind and lovely and stunning Remus—"

"You're lying, but I appreciate it."  
"No, I'm not at all Remmy."  
"Oh lord, not Remmy."

Sirius grinned, eyes lighting up, "Yes, Remmy indeed. And my darling Remmy, what do you say about perhaps making this a thing?"  
"Calling me Remmy? Absolutely not," Remus replied, smiling.  
Sirius huffed, sticking his tongue out, "You know what I mean."  
"I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more clear."  
"Remus!"  
"Yes, yes, alright," he grinned, rolling his eyes, "yes, I think perhaps we could make this a thing."  
"Really?"  
"Nah, I'm lying." Sarcasm dripping off his words as he shook his head.

Sirius threw his hands up in the air and sat back heavily, grinning all the while. "Evil man. Perhaps I shouldn't date you."

"You don't mean that."

"You're right, I don't."

—

Remus enjoyed that night more than he had enjoyed almost any other. It had been calm, but so wonderfully exhilarating that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to sleep again. Even after Sirius had left him at the door of his apartment with an awkward hug and a barely heard, "see you tomorrow?", Remus couldn't breathe from the sheer loveliness of it all. And that was the perfect word for it, "lovely". Everything about the afternoon, everything about the night had been just lovely. Of course, Sirius was always lovely. But this was different. This was what dating was like, Remus supposed. He had only ever had Gilderoy, but already, this was so, so different to that.

He had barely worried the entire night. He hadn't worried when he saw the prices at the restaurant. And after some protestation, he wasn't worried when Sirius had insisted on paying the bill. He wasn't worried about how things would turn out tomorrow. He wasn't worried about how he could possibly make Sirius happy. He wasn't worried about Sirius wanting sex. He wasn't worried about how fast his feelings had grown, and were growing for the man. He hadn't been worried when silence had settled over them. And he hadn't been worried when Sirius had asked him if he wanted to do this again.

Of course, the answer was yes.

But he could remember so few times when he'd been so free of worry. It was nice. It was more than nice. It was lovely. And he was going to go with that for now, he decided as he climbed into bed that night. He was going to go with lovely, and with Sirius. He would have to tell Lily and James they'd been right. Maybe he'd even tell Dora that she could predict the future — she'd said he was Sirius' boyfriend not too long ago — but he didn't have to think about that now. He didn't have to know whether or not they were going to end up boyfriends, though he'd like to. He didn't have to know what he was going to tell people, or how he would ask Sirius. All he had to know was if he wanted to do this. And the answer was sitting right in front of him, it would always be a yes. So he would go with lovely, and he would go with Sirius.


End file.
